The Mirrors Of The Divine Matrix

I've been savoring "The Divine Matix" by Gregg Braden, letting all the connections between current science and spirit sink in. I finally finished it. Great book.

The book began with a set up of a number of different physics experiments which, when taken all together, paint a an emerging explanation of how we create our worlds. At the end of the book he talked aboutt how we attract our mirrors and beliefs to us through The Divine Matrix which connects The All.

On page 162, Braden lists Key 19 of his list of The 20 Keys of Conscious Creation.

"Our true beliefs are mirrored in our most intimate relationships."

He then lists Five Ancient Mirrors of Relationship:

Reflections of the Moment...where our outer reality reflects our beliefs in the moment.

Reflections of What We Judge Most...where we get to experience that which we judge.

Reflections of What We've Lost, Given Away, or Had Taken From Us...where those we are attracted to mirror parts of ourselves we want to reclaim and tell us about ourselves

Reflections of Our Dark Night of the Soul...where we are gifted with experiencing our greatest fears so we can move beyond them

Reflections of Our Greatest Act of Compassion...where we finally embrace perfection in imperfection

Good Stuff.

Art: Mind Mirror by Catherine Akastar

Obama And The Mayan Calendar

I haven't talked about the election of a few weeks ago.

I was overjoyed. When Obama got elected, for some reason I flashed on things I've read about the Mayan Calendar and how we were supposed to really start feeling the effects of the 2012 shift during 2008. I thought it so interesting that Obama will be our president during this transition.

I still have no opinions about what the shift means in terms of where we'll end up. I keep getting this hit that it doesn't mean the Earth will be annihilated or that we are doomed as a species. I believe it's a New Age.

The sense I get is that Obama is a reflection and a manifestation of hope. I don't see him as having all the answers, nor do I pretend to think that I will be happy with many or most of his choices as President.

However...

The energy his campaign inspired- hope, action, community, participation, a vision of engagement;

The use of the internet and the example of its potential power to unite us in a common goal spoke to me of a shift in powerbase. A shift in the fundamental way we operate as a country and a world;

The dreams and desires of the masses to remember and live the ideals this country was built on;

All these speak to me. They speak strongly.

Then, while walking the other day...I pondered.

If it's true that this last cycle of the Mayan calendar means that the world as we know it will change....isn't it interesting that this election comes on the heels of one of the darkest political regimes this country has known?

It's like the last administration is a metaphor and the reality of where arrogance and disconncection from Spirit can take us when played out to the extreme. We, as a country, are pretty ruined on just about every level. Our people are troubled, questioning, searching. We're lost, clinging to an old idea of ourselves that needs ReVisioning in a new world.

But just like every spiritual quest, things often have to get beyond horrid before they get better. It's like Bush was our collective darkest night and Obama is the symbol of the dawn.

In Abraham terms, we went through this huge contrast to figure out what we don't want. Bush provided us with our asking. The election of Obama and all he symbolizes...not the man himself, but what was triggered is those of us who voted for him...is our opportunity to allow. Allow ourselves, our country, our world to receive and change in the ways we truly want to be as people of conscience and spirit.

We truly live in exciting times!

Art: It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn by Judy Chicago taken from here

Perspectives

Isn't it amazing how nothing means anything outside the meaning we give it?

I love finding pennies when I walk.

Years ago, I walked regularly along a route that, for whatever reason, had tons of pennies. I would play manifestation games, seeing them as a gift of abundance. Sometimes, I imagined that they were signs I was on a "right path" of thinking if I was pondering. Sometimes they were a reminder that all was well. Every so often, I would come upon a pile of coins in the street, couple of dollars worth. These were big signs to me and would make my day. I'd feel all glowy inside.

One day, I as I walked up to my driveway, I noticed what looked like about a hundred pennies strewn all over. I got really excited, tears came to my eyes at this huge gift from the universe...and right at my front door!!! I imagined them as a gift from a friend who knew about my delight and how I saw them as treasures. I skittered here and there, picking them up, giggling a thank you every time I put one in my pocket. I felt so Blessed!!!

A short while ago, I was watching "Weeds" ( a show on cable TV..now in DVD...very entertaining and recommended).

One day, the main character, played by Mary Louise Parker, walked up to her car. Around it were hundreds of pennies.

The guy she was with called it "getting pennied." It was an active, violent warning to her and she was furious about this act of "vandalism."

I laughed. It NEVER occurred to me in all these years that my pennies had ever been anything but an act of love and signs of blessings. I would think of it from time to time and it always made me smile.

Could it be that someone was so angry with me that I was being intentionally singled out for an act of hate?

Were all those pennies in my driveway a random act of violence?

Or where they Pennies From Heavean...a synchronistic reminder of the Abundance Of The Universe and how connected to it I was?

I'm stickin' with the last one.

Art: For Love Or Money by Ginny Guara

Aha Moment #428.7

I'm reading "The Diving Matrix" by Gregg Braden. I read "The Isaiah Effect" yearsyears ago. Man, his stuff excites me!! It's all about the interface of Spirituality and Physics.

As I was reading, I flashed on how science continues to "prove" the Ancient Teachings of every branch of mysticism.

I flashed on how mainstream religion pits itself against science, like they are at war. I then thought of who were the loudest voices of that, and I flashed on how it's the far right that does so.

And then I got that the energy of it comes from fear...just as mainstam religion rejects mysticism and all traditions/spiritual paths it labels as "other" from fear.

And since mysticism is what physics is slowly proving, no bloody wonder the right rejects science.

It isn't that science is anti-spirituality...no way...it's that science puts into question their flavor of seperatist exclusionist religion.

I understand the fear of being confronted with a paradigm shift. What will happen to their worldview if they are "wrong?"...what will the world look like if there is no god "in charge" with a preordained plan?

No wonder they're afraid and want to silence.

Art from here

Question Of The Week

How do I reconcile

1) Abraham's teachings that struggle can only lead to more struggle...no joy...and if things don't flow, they aren't "meant to be"

with

2)The concept of the hero's journey of being tested and struggling through the challenges to an ultimate joy/victory...Staying The Course, believing and keeping on no matter what it looks like on the oustide....

???????

Pondering....

Image taken from here.

Security

For many years people told me that while they longed to work for themselves, they couldn't because they needed the security of a job.

For many years, the people surrounding me saved, saved, saved to ensure security in their older years.

I wondered how the employed-by-others felt secure when their jobs were at the whim of another. I pondered how it is that the saver can feel secure when markets can disintegrate and values are not absolute. I wondered if perhaps it was because they had never lost it all so couldn't believe it could happen to them. I kept wondering about myself because I saw it as ephemeral, transitory, unstable, unsure...not secure in any way. Rather all this was only an illusion to feel safe.

I do understand the need to feel safe.

The more I know about the world economy I see, first hand (in my astonishment at what few know about it), that it's all a house of cards built upon a pile of ashes and dust, looping back upon itself, built only upon thought. But I think that very cool, cuz thought can change.

In these days of economic upheaval, I keep wondering if we are co-creating to learn (at a very acute and personal level) that our security does not lie where we think it does.

A few years ago, when I had lots more financial security, I went into a panic for a short period. I let go of the panic when I had a deep knowing/flash of trust and realization that all would be well and not to worry. I knew that either I would be dead, the economy as we knew it would be no more or I would be taken care of (in whatever form or job opportunity that meant).

I now have less than I've had in years. Haha...just about nothing...certainly from the perspective of my American culture. I am basically "homeless" (not really...but I live between two daughters' houses). At this point, I have no income that I can know of for another couple of weeks. I pretty much live out of two suitcases and a couple of boxes.

And yet for some reason, all I can think about is how abundantly Blessed I am.

Wonder what that's all about

Art: Abund-Dance from here

ALICE And The Rabbit Hole

Tomorrow ALICE is being tested! I'm so excited...heard about it some time back when I read articles about concern that it will open worm holes. I'm thinking rabbit holes sound more warm and fuzzy, if not nearly as interesting.

What is ALICE? A Large Ion Collider Experiment.

I was led to this:



What's a Hadron? Find out here.
A little more about it in article format is here.
What Steven Hawking has to say about it.

And on another note...on my Yahoo homepage is an article on scientists creating a new form of life.

I've always been puzzled when people say that science is the antithesis of spirituality. I think it the same thing, just another Path. Both explain the universe. It's just that science is taking longer to do so :) and needs empirical evidence so the Logical Mind will accept what the Mystic Mind has always known. But don't get me wrong- I love science. I love that it is supporting, rather than negating, what Mystics have said for centuries.

Spirituality says "In the Beginning was the Word" .....and the Word was the Big Bang...I mean...isn't a Bang a sound?

Spirituality says our Spirits live on after we die.....and didn't Einstein or someone prove something about how energy is never lost, it just changes form?

Spirituality says there is the Dark and the Light. Science says matter and antimatter, or dark holes and our known universe.

I mean...am I the only person who sees this stuff?

Note to Self...get subscription to Scientific American. Seems to be lots going on....there's change in the air. Cool. Wonder what's up.

My Mom

Mom has been popping in lots lately.

No...not over for a chat and tea. In my brain.

Next year it will be 20 years since she died.

She was 55.

I am 52.

At age 52, she was just coming out of a dismal period with my father who had been having multiple heart attacks over a period of ten years. He was unhappy, obese, smoked like a fiend, never exercised, drank way too much, sat his butt in front of a TV when not working at at highly stressful job.

Because he was not taking care of himself, my Mom was pissed that whole time. I can't remember a conversation where she didn't complain about him.

But at age 52, they had turned a corner. They were starting to play again...taking trips together. It almost sounded like they were falling in love again, rather than merely staying married out of a sense of duty and familiarity even though they were miserable.

In February the year she was 53, my dad had his last heart attack and died on the kitchen floor.

She died from cancer two and a half years later.

I pierced my ears. I pierced my nose. I left a marriage that had died for me.

I thought, wow...if there's anything to this genetics thingie, between the two of my parents, I have a little over 20 years to go. I vowed to fully live. I think I've accomplished that.

And now it's been 20 years.

And how does that make me feel?

Blessed.

Appreciative.

At peace.

The flowers on my morning walk make me happy.

Today while I held my grandson, bouncing him on the rebounder, the world stopped. He shimmered. I gasped in awe at the wonder of his pudgy fingers and Life.

I want to dance. And so I do.

I want to sing. Yup, that, too.

I want to look into people's eyes and feel their presence. And it's lovely.

I want to play and smile and laugh and embrace All of It.

I'm simply happy.

Art: Sacred Place by Ed P. Nice stuff.

More On Tantra And The Extreme Dark

I've been pondering controversial topics lately and I've been having a difficult time figuring out how to write about them.

One pondering got triggered during a visit to an old Tantra friend a few months ago.

First- some background on Esoteric Tantra:

Dissolution of the disconnected ego to unite with The All is one of the main goals of Tantra. The Tantrikas of old participated in ceremonies that contained forbidden elements in them: eating meat, drinking alcohol, sex, etc...some of them were necrophiliacs. Many of the greatest Teachers lived in cremation grounds. They abandoned families, and all "good" society to let go of the ego's attachment to attachment.

Tantrikas past and present challenge themselves to conquer their fears. What greater fear do we have than being an outcast, one of "the damned?" We are constantly molded and shaped to conform, some societies more than others. Tantrikas engage in taboo behavior to challenge our vision of the sacred and our place in it.

I believe Tantra to be the first Spiritual Path on this Earth. I say "believe" because I don't know it as a fact (and I have not, to date, read any book that would pass academic muster to prove my belief). I believe that those first humans were closer to Spirit than we, by virtue of the lack of technology and their dependence on the Earth and their intuition. I believe these people took this first Path and traveled around the world, resulting in this basic Path's variations. It became Wicca in Europe, Bonn in China and Tibet, Native American paths have the same symbols- spirals, hand prints, eye, bird, egg, etc.

Most of the Earth based traditions do not have a concept of the universe as "good" and "evil." Many of the traditions carry that into their code- that there really is no good and bad, just intent and isness. I know of Buddhists who were the most deadly assasins because they believed that when they killed without emotion, they incurred no karmic debt.

_______________________________

I don't think I've met anyone who is as intent on her Spirit Path as my friend...not even me. Her whole life is devoted to spiritual travel to India's ashrams, meditation, self awareness...it's how she makes her living. She writes, talks, breathes Tantra constantly.

I hadn't seen her in a few years. One of the first things out of her mouth was telling me that what she thinks most about as the next step upon her path is to kill someone with her bare hands. Someone has given her permission to do it. She said she had been getting in touch with this primal thing about killing and being the agent for another's transition into spirit. She talked about what an incredibly sexy thing it was.

Do I need to say that this woman is the ultimate button pusher...unflinchingly honest about all of her deepest darkest places as well as her light? (Which, I might add, shines very brightly. All who come in contact with her are mezmerized by her giggly, sparkly, loving life force).

I admit to thinking she was kidding around at first. I admit to feeling a bit discombobulated when I figured out she was serious. All sorts of feelings came up....man that woman is a force!

I told her I would come visit her in jail.

She told me she appreciated that I still liked her even after she had told me she wanted to kill someone.

The weird thing is, after my surprise, I understood her when she got all excited and kind of pantomimed choking someone to death, talking about it being the ultimate act of love. It is...think about it...if we think that being spirit is so wonderful, what a gift it is to assist someone in that journey!

Then I flashed on the dangers of this line of thought because of its capacity for being misinterpreted and used as a tool for unconscious behavior. That in the hands of the unconscious, it could justify lots that would certainly upset me to hear about.

What an odd line. What an odd topic to consider.

But it stays with me.

Why?

Well...when I think of killing someone I go numb. I don't think I could do it, even in self defense. I don't know if I could do it even to protect my children, but if I was to do it, that's the only scenario I can envision. I have this past life memory and it freaked me completely until I integrated it.

Then a weird thing flashed in the other day. It had been nice out so we had the doors open. We weren't paying attention and a species of small flies (bigger than fruit flies, smaller than the usual kind) took over our kitchen. There were tons of the little suckers flying all over the place. I started a campaign to get rid

I was smooshing and thwacking them, spilling their little guts all over the place. It felt really good killing them. Truth is, the act of taking their little annoying lives was exhilarating when I allowed myself to feel it. I flashed on my friend and I wondered...is this the same thing?

Life is life. We humans have conveniently appointed ourselves to be the arbiters of the hierarchy of the value of life here on the planet. While I'm not ready to kill a human walking around (although I have had an abortion so have killed a human), I am more than comfortable continuing my fly genocide (flyocide?).

At the same time, intellectually I don't buy that one form of life is any more important than the other and see my hypocrisy.

Then I flashed on actors, specifically Angelina Jolie. I thought about acting and how to be a truly great actor, you embody what it is what you are doing. You live/be/do this act or archetype. And I thought...wow...she plays all these assasins. Does she (and other great actors like her) get to feel that feeling of exhilaration of killing in a "safe" way? Does this ability to acceptably embody that taboo enhance their psychic integration?

My knowing is that it's all sacred. All of it means all of it- the light, the dark...all of it. Mystic logic does not allow for arbitrary exclusions of "all" just because we humans feel discomfort and judgment around a particular topic. Doesn't it then follow that even killing is sacred and "not evil" if it's all simply a part of the Dance of Life? And that when we acknowledge those feeling impulses instead of demonizing them we become more whole? I wonder how many would be willing to allow themselves to feel this ultimate taboo as spiritual practice?

Yup...I wasn't lying when I said I've been pondering controversial topics.

Art:

Kali by Mary MacGregor-Reid

Gaia Sacrifice from here

Wheel of Life from here

Pronoiac Sucking

Have to have this on the blog...another gift from Rob Brezny and his book PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

"If you choose to become a practitioner of pronoia, your life will suck. It has to suck.

Let me explain. As you cultivate the arts of gathering and bestowing the blessings that the universe is always conspiring to send your way, your life will suck in the best senses of the word.

First, your life will suck in the same way that you use a straw to compel a thick milk shake to disobey gravity and squirt into your mouth. Metaphorical translation: You'll work hard to pull toward you the resources you need, perhaps even exerting yourself with a force that goes against the natural flow.

Your pronoiac life will suck in a second way: like a powerful vacuum cleaner that inhales dirt from the floor and makes it disappear. You will have a sixth sense about getting rid of messes that are contaminating your clarity.

Here's a third interpretation: Once you commit yourself to the art of pronoia, you will most likely develop an unusually dynamic form of receptivity. Whether you're a man or woman, you'll be like a macho male with a willful intention to be like a welcoming female. As a result, you'll be regularly sucked into succulent opportunities you would never have come upon if you had let your pop nihilistic conditioning continue to dominate you. Your openness to uplifting adventures will make it easier for serendipitous miracles to find you and draw you in.

Let's take one more poetic leap of faith as we meditate on the metaphor. As you devote yourself to the art of making yourself available, your life will suck in the way that movements of the mouth and lips and tongue during close encounters with intimate partners stimulate pleasurable feelings."

Order Pronoia... by Rob Brezny from here

Vortex image from here.

Today's Question...

Shall I focus on:

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it?"

or...

Magic and Miracles happen every day.

The latter.

I do believe we are not bound by our past, that we can create anew.

I do believe that even when something has looked the same for years, it can change.

I keep thinking about Tessla, Edison, scientists all over the world who have a vision and keep at it until they get it right. I think of Nelson Mandela, who spent 27ish years in prison, then ended up president of his country. I think of Frodo and every hero.

This is my science and quest, this life of mine.

I believe.

Photo from here.

New Project?

I have decided to start a new movement...may even try and get it started as a nonprofit organization (seriously).

I thought of it on my walk this morning after reading about a program begun in Gambia and Sierra Leone for teen peer education around health (and AIDS...but they don't separate the two issues over there). I found a paper on the complete organization and training online. Man, I love the internet!

They suggested that although this program was primarily targeted at the schools for now, that they were aniticipating taking out into the general public to teach all ages.

And I thought...what a great program!!! I want there to be programs like this all over the world. I envisioned the kids who had great interest in continuing to get further education or get involved in further areas of health, being recognized and receiving scholarships to become doctors and nurses (or whatever their interest), then go back to their communities.

The more I thought about it, the idea grew and I thought....heck...it's kinda like an army that brings life instead of destruction!!!

Then the name "Happy And Healthy Army" popped in...and I said to myself....Perfect!!!: They'll be the HAHA's!!!!

I've been smiling ever since.

Then...

A few minutes ago, my weekly Brezny email came with this quote from Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins (one of my favorite authors):

"The unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwelling on himself and start paying attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. When you're unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. You get to take yourself oh so very seriously."

Lovin' the synchronicity happening these days....

God's Smile uploaded by Worldpassenger from here

The Dark, The Light, Jesus, Osho And Me

I'm always a tad taken aback when people are surprised/shocked or judge that spiritual people get angry, have doubts, worry, whine or aren't always little positive, peaceful, balls of unconditional love and light.

I've met lots of Teachers and a smattering of gurus, read tons about more. I have yet to fully believe that anyone is only light and peace, that they never lose themselves if only for a short while.

Now, I won't totally discount it. I definitely don't know much of anything. I do know I'm a total full on skeptic of the highest order while remaining more than willing to be wrong. Maybe the Dalai Lama is. Eckhart Tolle says he never gets angry or loses his inner sense of peace. I can't know their experience and I suppose anything is possible.

But let us not forget that even Jesus got a bit attituded from time to time. He also got really scared and whiney the night before his ordeal (and I don't blame him one bit....sheesh). We have only a smidge of recountings of his days and nights, but my guess is that he probably raised a bit of hell from time to time. He surely hung out with a rowdy group, yes?

I've always wondered what it would look like if Jesus had the same media that Osho or some of the other controversial gurus have had.

It was easy to just pick out a few strategic stories that feed the Jesus mystique and focus on those. No print, no video, no tape recorders to contradict The Truth of the 99.99% of the remaining hours and days we know nothing about. Wait almost a hundred years and you've got the story intact. Have a synod or four, a council or two at Nicaa and poof, total shoring up of The Truth.

Osho, on the other hand, has everything fully documented. No possibility of hiding from any controversy with him, no opportunity for BC/BCE unrecorded spin and soundbites to become fact.

It took Christianity centuries to stabilize and survive. It went through many permutations until it did. I wonder what the Osho movement will look like in a few hundred years. Will the controversy override the gifts? Does it matter so much the behavior of the founder of the movement if the participants get so much out of it? Will Osho end up being deified in some way? (Jesus did not start out that way, but was later voted divine at Nicea). Will Osho's strong followers keep this tradition alive and will it become codified, with a hierarchy and over 1700 different denominations as Christianity did?

And does much of what we attribute to Jesus have to do with "Truth" or more with the fact that we don't have access to the what really happened so are able to create him in the image we need?

Was he really all light and love? I don't think so.

...just as I don't think any spiritual teacher is totally light and love (possible above disclaimers aside).

I feel in my soul that the most profound teachers are the ones who embrace all of Life. They shock us into looking at our disconnected ego judging them for not being perfect. They give us opportunity to remember our own divinity when we are forced to see that we are all humans here and that they are no "better" than we.

I saw an old acquaintance awhile back. He had taken one of my workshops about 15 years ago. He said that after that workshop he had been talking to someone (couldn't remember who) who said to him that of all the people they had ever come in contact with, I was the one who was most dedicated to doing inner work.

What I flashed was "Um...well...ahem...there was a reason for that...." :)

I have done lots of inner work. Even during this last ripping apart cycle, it wasn't like it used to be before. I'm way happier and at peace on all sorts of levels than I was 20, 30 years ago....wayverymuch. It could simply be age. It could be that I would have arrived here without all the inner work. I haven't a clue and I don't care.

I was messed up, but in hindsight I don't think I was any more or less messed up than anyone else. I've discovered that maybe it isn't so much about hating those parts of ourselves that we find imperfect as finding acceptance of them and allowing them to flow through to the next piece of who we are that is just behind it. Because who we are, what we feel and how respond are fluid, open and ever changing.

Maybe like everything else, inner peace isn't about being all light and love but our response to ourselves when we aren't light and love for whatever reason. Maybe the anxiety, depression or stuckness isn't about itself or what's in front of us but rather our response to it and the story we tell that makes us miserable.

Maybe it's that the enlightened ones get angry, but they fully allow it and go postal in temples. The full on embracing of the essential feeling allows it to flow through so return to peace much more quickly than others who will analyse the politically correct way to respond when they're pissed and keep holding it in their bodies, afraid to let their authentic selves expression.

And maybe it's the ones who are OK with all of that, not judging themselves for their responses that are anything other than light and love that get to be at peace more.

Sure has been a big piece for me.

So, sometimes I'm in ecstatic union. Often these days I'm at peace and I don't know why. Sometimes I wake up in the night anxious and can't get back to sleep. Sometimes I love holding my grandson...sometimes it bores me. Usually I am fully accepting of my arteest daughter's moods...and once I got tired of it. Often you'll find me tremendously patient and compassionate. And sometimes my buttons are pushed and I get snarky.

I want and expect my Spiritual Teachers to have problems, to be assholes from time to time, to smile and laugh lots, to admit their shadows and their doubts. Many of the ones I know smoke (and I loved hearing all the judgmental gasps at workshops around that one!!). Some do drugs. Many have strong libidos and sexual kinks. Some get really pissy at times. Others refuse to talk to their disciples and students. I want all of that.

Why? Why don't I want perfection? Because it doesn't feel real to me. Why? Because I, too, used to think there was some end state of perfection that I could attain...that I wanted to attain and that I fell far short of. Because of who I was, I thought it was defined by some outside set of rules of "the way we should be." Because I wasn't all that, and I was a Type A, I used to feel competitive, "less than," imperfect, unlovable just as I was, in a fight with myself to be everything I clearly wasn't. I lived in a constant state of self judgment.

I don't always respond happily when I fuck up, but in the end I like that I'm a messed up ball of imperfection. I like that I fall off the path....and since I'm OK with all that, I tend to get back on it pretty darn quickly. I like remembering and living the knowing that the lighter the light, the darker the shadow, that it's all connected everywhere and that I'm a reflection of that, too.

And the best part of all this? Because I'm OK with all this inside me, I'm also mostlyusuallypretty OK with the imperfections inside you...and the world...and all of it....

And the best part of all that? I get to be pretty darn happy and in integrity in relation to the world.

Art

Photo of Jesus by Kevissimo from his series "TRIBUTES FOR KINGS, THE STATIONS OF THE CROSS" This guy has some amazing photographs and does shows. Yum.

Nature And Nurture

I was watching a baby the other day. His thighs were the fattest I'd ever seen, truly one of the stars of what I call "Deprived Child Syndrome" or "Michelin Man Syndrome" that healthy breastfed babies get. He was happy, bubbling bubbles, totally fascinated by his toes.

And I thought how cool it is that we come into life expecting to be taken care of, expecting to be loved and for the world to revolve around us.

Every mother I've ever talked to confirms that each child is born with an established personality. I have yet to hear a parent say "oh my....this baby is exactly like my first one." Usually it's the complete opposite- we think we have it down but the new one comes to confound us, reminding us,once again, that we have absolutely nothing to hold onto in terms of ego in parenting.

And every time I remember new second time parents marveling, I wonder how it is that we can think we are simply some Skinnerean experiment. How is it that we think that we are solely a result of our conditioning and environment? No way.

With the gabillions of chemical responses, hormonal influences, thousands of neurons firing, personalities that are clear before labor, individual responses of newborns to the exact same environment...how could we possibly think that we are born blank slates with nothing inherent about who we are?

I'm not saying who or what it is that we are when born or what we bring in. I'm not vying for some specific story of the model of the universe or creation. You won't hear me saying that some god on high has given us a task here to complete, our fates set in place the moment we are conceived. I don't care how anyone else explains all this to themselves. I simply notice what mothers have known for centuries.

I'm not arguing that nurture plays no role in our development. I am suggesting that we come in with our own unique makeup to respond to what's in our environment. One person might shrivel and die in an abuse situation. The other in the same family, may end up using that experience as a tool to create amazing, positive things in their lives. How each responds has nothing to do with the outer world. It's their inner world that creates a particular outcome.

I love the mystery of this. It makes for total lack of control and, for me, wondrous opportunity for creation because of the wild cards of our own unique nature's response to our nurture.

Art from here

A Note To The Artists Whose Work I Share Here

I love art!

I would love to be an actual patron of the arts, buying pieces to enjoy and support you. It's one of my intentions and I envision being in that position some day.

In the meantime, I share the art I find that I like and would buy (hope to buy in the future.)

I am someone who feels art should be shared. I know many artists and they struggle financially. I'm also a networker, and like to share stuff I'm excited about. My word of mouth adverstising has brought business to many in many fields- restaurants, products, foods, bodyworkers, artists, doctors, therapists, workshops, etc. I find it the best way for us to share what we have and be able so support ourselves doing what we love. I find it a win/win situation.

I also see the internet as an amazing vehicle to have our energy out there as little beacons of light, providing us with incredible opportunity to spread the word about what we want to offer the world and get ourselves out there. I assume that is why you are on the internet to begin with.

I am aware that there are copywright laws. It is not my intent to violate them. I do my very best to give credit to the artists out there and provide a way to spread the word about your talent so that it can come back to you and bring you increased income. I don't contact you beforehand because this is a blog, I put these posts up quickly, I find the art as quickly as I can and I don't have the time to write you and ask for your approval.

If you want me to take your art, down, I will remove it within ten minutes of opening your email. I hope you understand the intent with which I used it, which was not to rip you off, but rather to celebrate you, your vision and talent and to advertise for you, too. If you do not want these gifts, then just tell me and I will find other art and artists who do.

Many Blessings and thanks to you!!

Father Issues

I'm not one to try and dig up all sorts of history to focus on in my healing. Being an actional person, I tend to think that rehashing old stories is counter-productive in the long run, serving only to keep me stuck in Victim Mode.

I do, however, think it useful in the short term to identify areas in which I may be unconsciously operating from.

Over the years I've tended to identify my main issues/woundings as stemming from my relationship with my mother. Occasionally my intuition might flit on the concept of "hm...gee...this is interesting that I don't feel anything around my father." But he remained a blank.

Years ago, in one journey/meditation I did around healing with my parents, I felt/saw/experienced us on a beach. We held hands, dancing in a circle. We started to fly. My dad kind of faded out of the picture behind my mother and I "got" (in that way that we get things while in trance: fwoomfwoomfwoom) that most of the issues were with my father and that we had all agreed on a soul level that she would put herself between the two of us. It was a true ah-ha moment.

However this vision was not enough for me to focus there or do any of the real work that I devoted to my mother (and other) issues. I find that quite cute...running from the what, Pamm?

He calls me now. I'm not sure what that looks like just yet, but I feel the call of healing my personal relationship with male energy. I have chosen, these last fourteen years, to learn what it means to be devoted to being with and serving male energy as it redefines and re-creates itself. But the years have come full circle (or what looks like full circle to me right now, anyway) and I'm learning the things I "need" that I've put on the back burner in my crusade of being "of service."

Years ago I did a stint around healing The Father when I did an adventure with Christianity and disconnected angry Radical Feminism. I'm not there any more and I don't know what any of this looks like today.

I do know it's deeper. And I do know that when I put the intention out there, things appear. It's already begun as I kindasorta began this a few weeks ago. It's scary, but completely freeing. This time of year is historically one where I experience stagnated, stifling, stuck energy. My birthday is soon and I've had intuitive flashes that it's about pre-birth body memories of waiting...sitting...or that since mother was a smoker I'm reliving feeling terrified and paralyzed with no oxygen, not being able to get the "life force" I needed. Stay small...stay quiet...maybe I'll survive. Whatever....

But this year I feel more energized than I have in years. It grows daily. I've been taking concrete steps toward doing life differently, learning trust in Life and Love...learning to listen as best I can then act according only to my heart...no shoulds...following the illogical...not doing what I think others need, not taking on projections. I'm both excited and scared shitless. Yum.

Time for a Quest.

Art: The Love Between A Father and a Daughter by Keith Burns from here

Pronoia

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT from Rob Brezny:

"Evil is boring. The universe is friendly. Life is on your side. Joy is your birthright. Cynicism is idiotic. Fear is a bad habit. Despair is lazy. In fact, all of creation wants you to succeed. Act as if the universe is a prodigious miracle created for your amusement and illumination. Assume that secret helpers are working behind the scenes to assist you in turning into the gorgeous masterpiece you were born to be. Retrain your senses and intellect so you’re able to perceive the fact that life always gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it."

* The preceding oracle comes from his book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings. It's available at Amazon or Powells.

Here's a review of the book.

Art: Waterfall from here

Lava from here

Icebergs from here

Trust

I'm asking again (and it feels really wonderful to be here).

If it's manifested, clear, no question as to what is or is to be created...then is is Trust?

Isn't Trust when we have nothing to back up our perceptions on the outer world?

When it looks like all is lost and we are "not safe?" or "not getting?" or "not loved?"

Isn't Trust the essence of peace, right here, right now?...not needing to ponder, plan, worry, anticipate, grasp?

Isn't it the knowing that this moment is perfect, no matter what our stories define it as?

And that maybe all this is soul practice for Trusting the perfection and Love offered in Death? (as the Tibetans teach)

That Trust has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside myself?

Isn't trust the core of Unconditional Love, inner peace...all of it?

I'm asking about trust as I continue to learn it.

Lovin' the journey.

Art: Open Heart by Leonard Morales, Jr.

The World Is Happy

I found this article today on Yahoo news and it made me smile. Basically, it's about a study that has found that even with "all the negativity" going on in the world, that we are, as a planet, happier people than we used to be.

I like this....and it makes me happier knowing that even scientists and now Yahoo News, are talking about it. It's like a secret is finally out of the bag or something. Hey, world...we CAN be happy, right here, right now. We ARE happy. All we have to do is remember we came here to be happy and not have the ickies take over in our minds.

I was listening to an Abraham tape the other day and they were talking about how if the world, as it really is, was on TV, there would be happy, happy, fun, sweet, happy, then a two second fuzzy noise, then it would go back to happy for hours. Those two seconds would have been the totality of the "bad" that is on the Earth, amidst the joy and abundance that is the overwhelming energy on the planet. Why do we continue to choose to see the bad?

Although I haven't reached the place yet where I am there 24/7...and especially not in times of intense stress... I do like knowing that, in the end, I have a choice whether I want to focus on what makes me sad or unhappy...or...I can go watch a You Tube video like this:



Matt gets around...and you can find his other videos on YouTube and here. He even has a blog.

Matt inspires me. I can't help but be in awe of someone who's touched so much of the Earth and the hearts of the humans living on it. Not only did I joy-cry when I first watched this video, it's happened every time I've watched it again. (I've also had word from a couple of diehard non-goobers that it makes them cry, too.) I can't explain fully why in words just yet, but he jolts my core.

I'm thinkin' he's one helluva angel.

"What If God Was One Of Us?"

That song by Joan Osborne often runs through my mind when I walk through the streets of Los Angeles.

Today I saw a woman, probably in her 70's, with a wizened face pulling a small cart filled with junk. She was getting up from a bus stop bench. I happened to glance down and noticed that her pants were stained with dark splotches at the crotch, a fresh trail of liquid darkened her pants. As I passed the smell of urine permeated the air.

My heart opened. I remembered reading somewhere, sometime long ago that some Native Americans look at the disabled, the crazy, the shunned as Teachers and Holy.

I wondered if she was in pain. I thought of the vastness of human suffering. I thought of the impossiblity of any one person "fixing" it. I wished we honored our elders, the outcast, the one closer to the other worlds than we.

I'm so in awe of souls that choose to come and experience life in this way. Seeing her touched me and reminded me, one again, at the power, the majesty and the mystery of creation.

Yes, It's Really The Breath

It's been a very long time since I've posted. Thanks and Many Blessings to those of you who continue to visit.

In my absence, my whole life has changed. Much of it has been a tumultuous shifting. I've moved 400 miles away from the beautiful Northern California town I called home for thirty years. I sold my home, sold lots of my stuff, packed most the remaining stuff in storage.

I left family, friends and a way of life that was laid back, comfy and connected, while being close enough to a large city to be able to enjoy that life when I wanted to. My old hometown has a strong sense of family and community.

I loaded only what could fit in my Camry and I moved right smack dab in the middle of Hollywood. I now hear helicopters flying overhead much of the time. Asphalt and cement have replaced trees and grass. I know very few people when I used to see tons of acquaintances every time I went out.

The move down here was not under the best of circumstances. I had to let go of a dream I've had, a passion I've held onto for four years, the vision I had of what the rest of my life would look like. I've let go of that dream and have relocated down here to rebuild my life, as a 51 year old woman with no job, an odd sort of work history and no dream or clear direction as of yet.

Initially, I felt lots of resistence. I cried rivers of tears in the grieving and letting go. I've been grieving loss of so much on so many levels. I left two daughters...one in emotional and relationship trouble. I left the opportunity to be a daily part of my two grandchildren's lives. I left a strong circle of women friends who are family to me.

In the middle of all of it, I re-discovered Eckhart Tolle's book A New Awakening. I've read so many books on this stuff, I have to admit to a certain degree of resistence the first readthrough. But Life was so Big, I wanted a guide, a friend to hold my hand. I found it. Thank you, Echkhart.

Nothing new, but what a gift...and so eloquently said. I've heard the same thing over and over and over, but each time I hear it anew. And, once again, I'm struck by the beauty of Life.

It's about the Breath. It's about being present to all of Life. It's about being right here, right now and melting into Existence and Consciousness. It's about resisting nothing, continuing to remember to let it all flow through us, holding onto nothing, allowing everything, breathing, breathing, breathing with all our awareness both inner and outer.

Books, Tapes, Teachers keep us on track. These Wisdom, Self Help, Awakening blogs echo the same message they teach us over and over and over. We really don't need any of the books, the blogs, the teachers. I don't, you don't, we don't. But they help us. We are little angels for each other in times of need when we forget who we are, lose ourselves in our fear. When we're in the middle of crisis, they help...all of them do.

In the end, though, it's not the words that bring peace. The words remind us, help us focus, keep us on track...but it's us that does the play of finding our peace. It's the experiencing of peace, of Life without labelling, of holding ourselves in that space of merging with The All that eventually brings us back to ourselves. We have to do this stuff. Just do it. It's pretty cool.

We may only be able to access it for a few seconds at first. But if we keep revisiting throughout the day, eventually those little seconds expand into minutes, then increasing blocks of minutes. Soon we're connectiong to our Essence in longer and longer intervals. Trust returns, we feel the embrace of love and all is well.

I'm happy. It was a good idea to move here.

Image taken from here.

Enlightenment Intensive

My Dear Best Friend, Adrienne is leading a workshop May 1-4 called an "Enlightenment Intensive."

It's a system of meditation/process called Dyad Communication that cuts through to the core of Spirit. Find out more about the process here. Then, once you've visited there and found out what it's about, you can go here and get more writings by Adrienne on the topic and find out the particulars of this intensive.

I love what this process has done for and with her and her husband. I encourage you to go visit the site and check it out...and maybe you'll go...and maybe I'll see you there!!!

Art- Men in Dyad Communication position from here

Today I'm thinking of....

...a dearly loved friend who is undergoing open heart surgery as I write. We trust all will be well, that this is a good thing and that he will come out the other side healthier than before he went in. We know will soon be playing in our grand style.

I know it's brought up all sorts of stuff for him. I can see it in his face, primarily his eyes. His face has changed. Although I am totally projecting here, I don't know if it's as much a fear of how surgery will turn out. I think it's more that the world is shifting for him. He's never been this sick before. He has to redefine how he sees and feels his body, can no longer claim "no major surgeries" on medical forms. His wife has had a degenerative disease and both thought she would be the one "to go" first. And although that's probably still the case, it opens eyes to the reality that nothing is permanent, nothing is assured to be as we plan in life.

I'm thinking of another friend who woke up this morning with pains and achies in her heart. She "doesn't do" anxiety attacks, heart attacks or heart burn so has never experienced this feeling before. I can tell she's discombobulated, as she called to get support at about 5am...not her usual MO.

And I'm thinking of another friend who used to be a runner, then he tweaked his knee. And now his hip is toast. He's going through a painful divorce "that's slowly killing him." Although I know he's on his way back, this whole two/three year period of his life has been intense, pretty much ripping him to his core. I know he'll re-emerge an even more amazing person than when he entered this soul cycle. But in the meantime, I know he's not himself because he says he doesn't even know who the new "him" is.

I'm thinking of three in my community, all in their late 40's early 50's...who died this past year.

And I'm thinking of the Tantra and yoga teacher, in the prime of his 40's health, a loving soul, who died a few years ago after slipping in the shower, passing out from the impact, lying in the shower for three days (under cold water because the hot water had run out within an hour), then dying of pneumonia.

I don't write about this to be morose or be down. I don't feel down at all. In fact, the realization of all this brings home the preciousness of each and every moment...once again. I give thanks for all I have right here, right now in this moment. I want to remember this when I forget that nothing can get in the way of inner peace when I shift my perspective just an oontz. I am Blessed to be right here, right now....as are each of those who I'm thinking of today.

My prayers are with you.

Art is The Dance Of Shiva And Kali and can be purchased here.

Today

While the rest of the country seems as if it's in the middle of a block of ice, here in the Northern California Valley, Spring has arrived full on.

On my walk today, I noticed the almond trees blooming. Prettypretty pink and white flowers are everywhere. Bees (thankfully) will still be humming later today. The morning air is crisp-perfect for a walk/jog, while listening to Abraham on tape. Daffodils are smiling, grass shoots are tender green. Everything feels new.

When I got home, I made myself some Yogi Detox tea and put it in one of my favorite tea cups.

Then I cooked up some steel cut oats sauteed with kale and onions, topped it off with two eggs over medium, then put all in my pretty bowl. Pretty bowls make me happy... as does my beautiful cutlery which has a spiral on the end of it.

Life is perfect.

Orchard image from here

Tea image from here. My favorite line of teas, readily available in most health stores. These days I'm hooked on a number of them. For a desert drink, try the "Thai Sweet Delight" (it's coconutty) with foamed soy milk, a dash of vanilla and some Blue Agave Sweetener. Yum.
My bowl from here at Dinnerware Depot.

Today's Note From The Universe

"Do you know what today is, Pamm?

Besides Friday. It's February 29, 2008. Ah-ha!

Do you know what today means, in spiritual, numerical terms? Me neither.

But I know this, your thoughts become things every single day, no matter what the occasion, no matter where the energy vortices lie, no matter when the equinox starts, no matter what the economy is doing, no matter who is in office, no matter what you want, no matter when you want it, no matter what, no matter what, no matter what. Any other thinking just gives your power away.

Love you by leaps and bounds, The Universe"

You can get these notes to start your day feeling happy here.

The Cheezy Chronicles: Family

I haven't been writing here much because family and processing family are taking lots of time and psychic energy. In a good way. My daughter, Starla, is due on Feb. 3 to have her second child at home (mine). She and her son have been living with me since last week. It's been many a year since the pitter patter of little feet has graced my home for this long a period of time.

February is a month that brings up lots of family feelings for me. My mother's birthday was Feb. 1st. My father died on February 12, 1987. My mom died two years later. With my daughter being here, and the new baby here soon, my thoughts turn to family more and more as the days roll by. My parents are with me.

Both of them were in their mid 50's when they died. My mother was only 55. I am 51. It's weird to be approaching the ages they were when they passed. I'm thinking and feeling these days about the families we create.

I feel so blessed with my children, as I've said before. I feel blessed that they have chosen to have me in their lives in such an ongoing and active way. I wonder, in these pondering times, why it was that I felt such a need to get so far away and as quickly as I could from my family of origin. At age 18 I moved three hours away to go to school. At age, 20 I ran across the country to escape....what? I don't really know now, but it sure seemed important at the time.

But in leaving, I isolated myself from that support system that "family" is. My mother and I talked on the phone once a week or so. If I was lucky, I saw her once a year. But my father? We probably talked once every other month with visits being every three years or so (if that). I haven't talked to my brother in over 10 years (he's angry with me) ...and that was only at our grandmother's funeral. Although we are close, I hardly ever speak to my sister. My family of origin was not tight knit.

So I know both ends of the tribal thing. I give thanks for all that families are. We are messed up all in our own unique and lovely ways. We get hurt, angry, frustrated with each other to the point that sometimes we don't want to have anything to do with one another for awhile. We take our stuff out on each other more than anywhere else. And we have laughter, that place of safety and solace, where people know all of us in ways that are difficult to replicate outside that bond. I LOOVEEEE the drama, the rebuilding the opportunity to learn from each other (when we least expect it....often when we least want it.). Love is a powerful bond. Although not every case, blood creates a something "more" that runs deep.

I used to envy other cultures with their strong bonds of family. When I would hear people complain about having to attend family gatherings or whine about their parents, I would look at them and think they were so lucky to have something to whine about. I love that movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," for all its dysfunctional glory. These are gifts and part of what I call "the suchness of life" that's so sweet. We are Blessed!

Art:

Family Reunion In A Vase, by Kazuya Akimoto from here.

"Show Me"

A couple of days ago, I turned on the TV which was set to VH1 (I have a 20 year old living here so it's on lots when the TV is first turned on). The music video to this song was playing.



I couldn't embed the actual music video as it was barred on YouTube. You can see that here, if you like.

My 20 year old thinks it's a love song to another human. If you decide to go there, what you'll see is that the song is intended as a prayer. It's dedicated to two children who died trying to stow away on a plane to escape life in the streets in Guinea. I'm continually struck by how we use the same words and pleas in our Prayers that we use for Romantic Love.

The lyrics:

"Show Me"

I realized as I lay down to sleep

We haven't spoke in weeks

So many things that I'd like to know

Come have a talk with me

I need a sign, something I can see

Why all the mystery?

I try not to fall for make believe

But what is reality?

Where do we go?

What do we know?

Life has to have a meaning

Show me the light

Show me the way

Show that you're listening

Show me that you love me

Show me that you walk with me

Hopefully, just above me

Heaven's watching over me

Guess it's funny how I say thanks to you

For all you've given me

Sometimes the price of what you gave to me

I can't stop questioning

O God of love, peace, and mercy

Why so much suffering?

I pray for the world, it gets worse to me

Wonder if you're listening

When people go

Why do they go?

Why don't you choose me?

But someday I know

I'm gonna go

I hope you're waiting for me

Show me that you love me

Show me that you walk with me

Hopefully, just above me

Heaven's watching over me

Maybe we'll talk

Some other night

Right now

I'll take it easy

Won't spent my time

Waiting to die

Enjoy the life I'm living

Show me that you love me

Show me that you walk with me

Hopefully, just above me

Heaven's watching over me

To find out more about John Legend's "Show Me" Campaign, please visit here.

The Cheezy Chronicles- Our Brains

I live in Northern California, which just experienced a storm that left about 80% of my town without electricity for at least 24 hours. For about 40% of the town it was 72 hours before they were back in business.

As I sat at one of only two public places in town that had power and Wifi, watching people come in with their cell phones and chargers, I was reminded how much we depend on electricity for our lives.

Some argue way too much dependence. Perhaps...but I'm not going to argue that here. Rather, I'm just interested here in giving thanks for electricity, and the Human Brain that thought to harvest this energy then create things to use it.

I have a couple of friends who are scientists and have known a number of engineers. They blow me away.

How do their brains work that way? How is it that they take information about how molecules work, then sift and sort, put it together in new ways and create a cell phone? My heavens...a phone that requires only waves to work...and that can be used all over the world. We have planes that fly us across oceans, to Europe in less than a day. Computers...I am totally blow away by email. I write something out, I click...the words/sentences go, in pieces and parts, along cables which end up in another person's computer..sometimes on the other side of the world. Their computer puts all that information back together from it's send mode of pieces and parts, so they receive the note exactly as I sent it. Often in seconds. I truly see this as a miracle, yet so common we don't even think about it.

Or TV....how is it that an image in Chicago can be taped on a camera, go across wires in the form of a bunch of dots, then end up in the same confiruration on a small screen on my TV in California..and it happens almost instantaneously.

We can look inside bodies, giving doctors an opportunity to see our organs in 3D. We have microscopes that can see cells, for heavens' sake! I just read an article yesterday that they've now discovered that small neurons can and do heal themselves when injured, making recovery after paralysis something that seems much more doable now.

How do we do all that stuff? The human mind fascinates me, astounds me, puts me in awe.

We are Blessed!

image from here