My Mom
Mom has been popping in lots lately.
No...not over for a chat and tea. In my brain.
Next year it will be 20 years since she died.
She was 55.
I am 52.
At age 52, she was just coming out of a dismal period with my father who had been having multiple heart attacks over a period of ten years. He was unhappy, obese, smoked like a fiend, never exercised, drank way too much, sat his butt in front of a TV when not working at at highly stressful job.
Because he was not taking care of himself, my Mom was pissed that whole time. I can't remember a conversation where she didn't complain about him.
But at age 52, they had turned a corner. They were starting to play again...taking trips together. It almost sounded like they were falling in love again, rather than merely staying married out of a sense of duty and familiarity even though they were miserable.
In February the year she was 53, my dad had his last heart attack and died on the kitchen floor.
She died from cancer two and a half years later.
I pierced my ears. I pierced my nose. I left a marriage that had died for me.
I thought, wow...if there's anything to this genetics thingie, between the two of my parents, I have a little over 20 years to go. I vowed to fully live. I think I've accomplished that.
And now it's been 20 years.
And how does that make me feel?
Blessed.
Appreciative.
At peace.
The flowers on my morning walk make me happy.
Today while I held my grandson, bouncing him on the rebounder, the world stopped. He shimmered. I gasped in awe at the wonder of his pudgy fingers and Life.
I want to dance. And so I do.
I want to sing. Yup, that, too.
I want to look into people's eyes and feel their presence. And it's lovely.
I want to play and smile and laugh and embrace All of It.
I'm simply happy.
12 comments:
You've taken better care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally Pamm, and genetics only go so far. You have many good years left I'm betting.
But it never hurts to dance and sing and play too ;)
Be well.
Thank, Fusion..I am. And we never know, do we, even though we are healthy and hale.
Which is why, yes, it never hurts to dance and sing and play. Have fun today, Fusion!!
Wow....this post just reached out and grabbed me. I just lost my mom a little over one month ago, and naturally, I'm still in various stages of grief on a daily basis. But losing someone, especially when it's a parent, changes a person forever. And you know what? As sad as I am that my mom is gone, I am just starting to realize how important, how valuable, my life *really* is.
This post just reiterated that. Thank you.
Welcome here and love your name, Pagankinktress..gotta go check you out now:)
Please accept my heartfelt energetic connection with you around the loss of your mother. I send you and your family blessings!
My experience is that it's deep...deeper than you can even imagine now, though it sounds like you run deep. Be gentle with yourself....it can hit in the oddest ways at the oddest times.
And then I wish you dancing and singing and cherishing every day- even the ones that suck budgies. Your live is valuable and vital!
I finally really got that for myself when I was walking around in so much grief one day at work...tears streaming...that all of a sudden the pain of the hurt was so intense my body started to dance, going into a mudra of Shiva Nataraj... I "saw" the the yin/yang symbol and found the seed of bliss in the midst of ripping apart pain. My body "felt" The Oneness of It All.
I wish this for you.
Blessings abounding!
Oh YES! :-)
:)...yup. Hugs, Warrior!
Hi Pamm
That's is a lovely way of seeing life. I'm dancing with you here.
I'll be writing a piece about death, titled 'More alive after death' which ties in with what you are saying. It'll be on my blog http://www.spiritualartblog.com/ early next week.
*Ed P
PS. Thanks for using my Sacred Place picture. It goes well with your colouring.
Sure, Ed..and thanks for being a great artist! I'll look for your post next week. Blessings!
Damn you are so cool! Biiig smooches!! *happy smiles* This is exactly what my grouchy, grumpy pms'ing bitchy woman self needed to read today fur sure. ((warm hugs))
When's the last time anyone told you that you are just the most perfect being the world?!
OH goodie..glad yer happier. Life is amazing, yes? And aw, shucks..now you've made mine :)
Great attitude. It reminded me of this quote that I like so much:
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
Og Mandino
Sounds like you've got lots of great years left!
Phil Bolsta
bolstablog.com
Author of "Sixty Seconds: One Moment Changes Everything" (www.sixtysecondsbook.com)
Hi and welcome here, Phil....Og Mandino. I remember reading "The Best Salesmen Ever" or something like that, decades ago. What a great gift he gave us all in his wisdom. Thanks for reminding me of him.
Blessings.
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