Days 11-13

Day 11's meditation was nothing to write about, so I didn't. Just breathed, felt. Nothing big.

Yesterday on Day 12, I did a short session as I spent from 9am - 4:30 doing a daylong Vipassana Meditation retreat with John Travis. The breathing session, again was not huge as it was short. But I figured it would suffice to get me "in the mood" meditatively, anyway.

The day was lovely. I wondered if I could sit that long, as the last time I did that long a meditation was in 1996 when I did a ten day silent meditation retreat at the California Vipassana Center in North Fork as a gift to myself. I did fine. I experienced lots of that vibrating in my sixth chakra area when I would would scan my body for "energetic holdings onto" then clear it so all the energy would flow freely.

We alternated between sitting and walking meditations, which was nice. I felt myself dive deep. It was a good thing.

Then maybe because of yesterday, today's breathwork session was the most powerful since I've started doing this 30 day thing. I'm still in a trance, having a difficult time functioning, haven't had the ability to be coherent enough to write anything. I'm thinking that may be partially due to my deciding to continue to go within and not shut things down fully, going back into my body, feeling, being in meditation like I was yesterday. I opened lots, can feel energy swirling.

I did some Tantric stuff at the beginning and got my body totally open and energized. So when the strong music started I kept breathing it until it started to slow down then reversed (rewound?) the CD to its beginning. I did this three times. I'm a little hazy on what all happened, but I know it was intense.

At one point I remember feeling like there was so much energy my body would blow up, but in a good way. I felt no blocks and felt really good about that, feeling like the Tantra stuff and all that I've been doing had released lots. But somehow, I think I couldn't feel my third chakra.

Then I remember saying an intense prayer to totally open and remove all blocks that were remaining. My heart started to hurt lots. Then I couldn't breathe. I started to feel that old compression I used to feel and said to myself.."yup....here we are, where we left off years ago when you were doing this big time before and decided you didn't want to go here yet....we get to play here again...maybe now it's time." I just kept forcing the air into my lungs past the compression. Hurt. Pain. Intense.

I remember lying on my side again, rubbing sciatica, feeling pelvis open, feeling abdomen open, heart constricted. Hazy... then I remember the music slowing down a bit and going really deeply into bodytrance....then all of a sudden bolting up because I was sure I was going to vomit. It felt like right before the hurl. Got frustrated with myself for pushing the sensation down reflexively. But then I remember lying back down again and going really deep into my body there.

Felt tingling, sparkling, shifting. Energy was moving around, I felt slightly nauseous so just breathed into it and felt it open, move. Kept breathing. Then I felt it moving into my heart, slowly moving like it did here, up my head and out the top, but not freely flowing..kinda like it was oozing out a small opening where in the previous experience it felt like the whole top of my head had blown off and energy was streaming. My arms felt all light and tingly whereas before they had been heavy and hurt.

So I just stayed there, breathing, feeling, opening, staying with all the sensations. I laid there a very long time, in the fetal position, feeling total blissbunnyness.

I have no energy to find art. It was good, I feel wonderful. Blessings abounding. I surrender to all of it.