Day 3-Monkey Mind

Oh my...today's meditation was so scattered. I could NOT focus. Monkey Mind was victorious in all its glory.

Body was twitchy, mind followed suit. Both were all over the place. I think it was a diversionary tactic as even with the mind spludge, legs cramping/spasming, my body went into the deep intense breathing quickly and easily when the music amped up. Partly, perhaps, because I did the first part twice before the build up (as I mentioned in the last post, I like to do more breathing before the pick up and then do the strong music a bit longer....opens me more...so that was my temporary "fix" for that today).

So since I was there in Monkey Mind I just went with pondering Monkey Mind. I'm not sure why we have it. I do know it's here. I know that most meditators fight it. Heck..I do, too. But, in this flow thing I'm doing, I'm wondering why it would be excluded from flow?

It was pretty clear something was starting to come to the surface. I'm wondering if Monkey Mind was there as a protection of some sort?

What came out of the meditation today was that I got really cranky...more indication of movement (or hormones...who knows?..but I prefer to think of it as stuff moving so there it is). It feels like stuff is flushing up. I was going to get my tennis racket and hit my bed with it to get the crankies out of my body (racket was bought solely for that purpose years ago) but life got busy today with out of town visitors and it never happened. I'm wondering if it will flush up again tomorrow.

I'm watching myself internally around situations that have been going on for these last two years. They persist but I have changed.

I've gone the rounds in my internal experience of them. At first, it was a true roller coaster ride. Talk about bi-polar time! Geeeeeeez.

That was so traumatic that I decided I had to detach. And...being an intense Italian Leo, I did things big the other way, too.

So when the roller coaster issues would come up, I could feel my body push them away...almost frantically. Don't get too happy, don't believe them, protect, protect, protect. I could feel myself talk myself out of feeling good about them in case things didn't work out. What was really going on was that I was energetically bracing myself for them to fail.

I would run internally. It was almost like those cartoon characters that will stand there with their hands behind their backs, eyes to the sky and whistle. Like..maybe if I ignore it, the fear will go away. Last year this time when things would happen, not only would I leave internally, but I would often physically leave and go for a walk. In my retreat, I would really really try really hard to force peace and happiness.

And just how silly does that sound? Tricksy mind, smile. We do the best we can.

Today I noticed that I feel nothing around the same issues. Truly nothing. No hope, no excitement, no fear. I watch. I feel no need to run, hide, whistle or walk. It's kind of like: well...OK..if this works out that would be grand, but if not, that will be grand, too. And isn't it a beautiful night here?...and look at the pretty trees dancing.

I wondered if the crankies earlier today were connected to this slow evolution of finding a different internal space around the stuff. I felt like a victim, I felt shame, fear, confusion, despair...all sorts of stuff. I had a few temper tantrums last year when things got like "The Twilight Zone," but don't think I allowed anger to get it out of my body.

Who knows???

...again...for me, the beauty of this work is that I don't know, don't have to know. I just shift.

But it is fun to wonder. Brains are a trip.

Note..although I committed to doing the breathing every day, I'm probably not going to post every day...but probably at least every other day if not more.

Image:

Monkeys from here