Tantra's About More Than Sex

One of the things I like best about Tantra as a path of personal development is that it focuses us like a laser right to our core. It requires us to go to our deepest most secret, tenderist places and use that as the primary tool to find out about ourselves and how we operate in the universe. One of my favorite axioms is: how we do sex is how we do relationship is how we do our families, is how we do our communities, is how we do our countries is how we do the world is how we do God. Or (to shorten it a bit) "we take ourselves wherever we go."

First there's the whole thing about being wanted. Most of the issues and conflicts that came up during my Tantra training workshops were about partnering. Am I attractive to this person? If I am a woman, do I feel insulted or flattered when a man makes his desires known? And as two different women will have different reactions to a proposal, what do my reactions say about me? What if someone I like doesn't want me? If I am "rejected" do I feel "less then" or do I feel OK? Am I able to maintain my flow and self esteem, even when things aren't reciprocated in the ways I thought I wanted? And if not, how does this inform the rest of my life?

We are naked. All comfort in illusions provided by clothing/masks/adopted roles is gone. Is my body good enough both physically and the way I use it? Is my penis big enough, does it get hard enough? Stay hard long enough? Does it perform? Are my breasts to little/big/droopy/uneven? How about my belly, hips and legs? Is there too much cellulite? Am I willing to be seen and stand tall? (Am I "acceptable" and OK in the universe? Or do I have to "make myself better" to be unconditionally love by The All/receive the best in life?)

We want to be a good lover to please our partners. But it also brings ego satisfaction and gives us yet another thing to "hang our hat on." Am I able to let go of my need for recognition and be fully present for another? Do I need another's approval to feel OK about me? Am I good enough?

Does he/she really like what I'm doing? How would he feel if he knew I was faking it? One of the worst things you can tell someone is that they are a lousy lover, yes? How much do we keep hidden about the way we are made love to so as to "not hurt the other person?" Do we really think there is such a thing as a lousy lover? Do we expect others to see/experience the world the same way we do and then label them as "good or bad" when all it takes is a little conversation about differences and finding a common ground? Why would we label instead of teach our differences and desires? What are the ways in which we cut ourselves off from true intimacy by not being honest? Secrets in and out of the bedroom take their toll. Eventually, you will tire of keeping your mask. After awhile, a mask erode your desire. Brick by brick, walls are erected so that eventually the relationship dies sexually. Many couples end up in this place after years in relationship, not knowing why or how it happened. The thing is, though, that if this dynamic of secrets exists in the sexual arena of the relationshp, it most likely exists in other places, too, even though it may not be easy to acknowledge.

Tantra has often been called the Path of the Warrior. I call it the Path of Fire because it requires us to go deep within and transmute the energetic blocks we have that inhibit the kundalini energy from flowing. It is a simple path but not an easy path. The simplicity lies in its focus on being present to all that is, whether good or bad, our dark or our light no matter where it takes us. It's the nature of this simplicity that also makes it a challenge. It isn't easy to stay with all the feelings that sex can bring up, all the little nooks and crannies of the psyche that sex explores, and our reactions to those feelings. Nowhere is there a greater tool that encompasses leather and lace, ecstatic connection with the divine and snuff films, potential for deepest intimacy and a meat market. The question, as always, is whether we are ready to look or not.

Tantra opened and continues to open me to my sexual being. But the effects of the processes and exercises impact every aspect of my life. With new eyes, I truly learn over and over that I do, in fact, take myself wherever I go. And that even though it looks like sex, feels like sex, is sex in all its glory, it's also so much more.

Tantra by Iona Miller

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Nathalie Manser in concert. Image from here

This article was featured in the Meditation, Yoga and Spiritual Growth Carnival