My Ego Is My Friend

Long ago and far away, I somehow got the message that my ego was a bad thing. It was what made me sad. It was always wanting, was this thing that gave me desires, therefore the opening to pain. It hid things inside, gave me "masks," kept me separate from others and God. It wasn't real. It was my main obstacle to enlightenment and my job here was to get past Ego, anhillate it, rip it apart, tune into my Authentic Self, meditate it away and then everything would be Blissbunny Land.

Although I never consciously interpreted it this way, I realized over time that I was pissed at my ego. How could I not be, with all that I perceived it was "doing" to me? Shoot...because of it I wasn't happy. If I could just change it, heal it, fix its pathologies, its negativity and its ...yes....evil ways, then all would be well.

It came as quite a shock to me one day when I flashed on an internal whisper of a totally different perspective. If I knew that since The All (of which I was part) unconditionally loved us then why would we create something that I perceived as so "bad." Could it be that I had been believing a misperception of the nature of Ego? I stayed with it and had a flash of knowing:

I came here to this planet with this body, this mind, these emotions, these life tools as perfectly imperfect as I may want to label them. I came here knowing I would have an ego.

I didn't come here to be totally spirit, disconnected from this plane of existence. If I wanted that, why bother coming? I was already disembodied. Why leave when I was already there? I knew I came here to experience and create here, that this life is not a punishment for past lives, not a place to work out whatever I misguidedly think I may need punishment for. This Earth is Sacred. It's a part of God...why would I not want to come here? And since everything is One, then that means Ego is a part of that whole, too...it's not the only exception to the rule. If it is sacred, why am I demonizing it? To constantly want to escape it and Earth seemed kind of counter productive. Could believing that the Ego was anything but Sacred be keeping me separate from that union with the Self I sought?

I came here to dive in, to find out what it's all about, to discover how things feel, smell, taste and to create anew in this aspect of the Dance of Life. I came here to express all of my Sacred self here in this plane and in this way. I came to experience passion, joy, ecstasy. And I came here to experience discomfort, pain, frustration. We co-created this world. We knew all of it would be here before we came here...we knew that joy, bliss, Ego, pain, suffering were part of the picture....we knew that. We agree to it, heck... if we didn't want it, none of it would exist.

I no longer see Ego as a problem to be overcome, pushed aside, denied, transmuted, ignored. My ego informs me. It's a vital piece of this existence or it wouldn't be here. It's just one of the Little Voices Inside My Head which wants equal consideration, wants me to hear and pay attention. And just like all the other Voices inside me, it's when I ignore it, demonize it, don't heed it's gifts and messages, that it starts to get weird on me. It has the ability, just like any of the other Voices, to be out of balance. But if I listen to it, if I have a sense of humor about it, love it, accept it, appreciate it, Ego becomes my friend instead of my battering ram.

I went in and asked Ego to come forth and speak. At first I asked Ego to introduce itself and talk about itself. I closed my eyes and just typed. What you see below has not been edited except for typos.

I am the light of creation. I give you ideas about things to create in this world. Without me, you would still be in caves,lighting fires and have no opportunity for a nice meal at the The French Laundry.* Because of me, you have buildings, bridges, roads, furniture. Because of me, you have art. Because of me you have plentiful food and the ability to ultimately feed the whole planet. Because of me this world is as you know it.

I am the park that ignites any project. Without me there would be nothing done.
Without me, there would be no internet. Or science, or medicine. I am what tells you how to get from point a to point b.

When I ask it what happens when it is not listened to:

I want to destroy you. Don't you undersand you have very little time on
this planet. I want you to do lots, see lots, be lots. If you don't listen to me, I will do anything in my power to make you go there. Even if I have to push, yell, beat you up an make you miserable to get there. My objective is creation. Here and now. To do this you have to have discipline. I and the Judge work well together to get you there. I may give you incentives, such as watching what others have then setting up a competition to force you. Sometimes it's the only way to get you moving. I want you to want. From your wants you decide to create. It's just that simple. My job it so ensure you create. And if you don't work with me I will do everything I can to get you there, even if it causes the others pain.

When I really tune into Ego, what I get is that it's my linear, finite mind. What an incredible Gift it is to have Ego here on this planet of substance, this place of linear time! Ego sees its Birth and Death and notices that its time here is limited. It wants to grab all it can to make the ride an incredible one. It doesn't see eternal life so from it's perspective, it will die. If its purpose is Creation and adding to Life and it knows it will die, I can see a dissonance there for Ego. I can imagine that Death angers it as then it will no longer be able to do what is its nature to do. It will be gone.

And what is anger? Anger protects, puts up impermeable walls, shields us against whatever it is out there that we feel we need protection from. Anger often looks ugly to ward off the perceived threat. When I am able to step outside myself and see Ego, I can find compassion for it, not feel the need to quiet it. It's just like anyone outside me. If we listen to an angry person rant, let them know we hear them, that we understand, what happens? If they no longer have a wall to butt up against, they calm down after awhile. If they can get all their anger out, it no longer rules them. I love it if I am able to hold onto myself enough when someone is angry with me to be able to see deeper and reach out, rather than get caught in my anger and become the other wall. It's in becoming a sweet gooey puff of love that healing can occur.

And since I have as my intention to offer this to others, why wouldn't I offer it to a part of me? The power of loving acceptance of all the different parts of me, makes miracles. Even with the ego.

So now, how do I deal with Ego? I hardly ever get jealous. But if I do, I thank Ego for giving me a clue that this thing must be important to me. I then get to investigate why that is. The easiest example would be that if I am in relationshp with someone and I think they are interested in someone else and I feel jealousy, then that means this person is important to me....or, why else would I feel "threatened?" Do I not feel secure? Not good enough? That my Beloved will leave me?

If Ego thinks it's superior and gets an attitude...well...what's important that I am not seeing here? How do I feel "less than" so therefore trying to find a way to feel more? One wonderful persona of my Ego is someone I call Aphrodite. She's a hoot. She wants all men to bow down to her, wants to believe all men adore her. She requires her due adoration or she simply leaves. She also lets me know when I'm not nurturing/valuing myself so need that outer reference for value. If acquiring "stuff" seems important the message may be that I feel insecure.

My journey has led me many places, but they have all returned to the place where I want to integrate, love and accept all of me. Playing with Ego continues to be a sometimes exhilarating, sometimes exasperating Dance. I no longer have too many judgements about its judgements. I appreciate its gifts, laugh at it lots while just shaking my head at it's finagling to be heard and followed. It isn't all of my Voices, only one. We still have a rocky time of it from time to time, but I now stand with it through thick and thin, seeing it too, in all its many manifestations as Sacred. Ego is now my friend.

*A personal reference for me. This is an amazing restaurant that I have been to twice and is the epitome of fine dining extraordinaire. Eating there is a spiritual experience...and it makes me happy.

Art:

Blogger messed up and I lost the artist, but the image of the transmuting rose is from The Michener Museum

"Mother Earth", 16"x20" Oil on Linen ©Jenness Cortez Perlmutter from here

"Aphrodite "by Tomasz Kostecki

This post was included in the Carnival of Personal Growth. Thanks, Karen!!