My Dance With Addictions*

What, exactly, is an addiction? Is it a biochemical thing, something that enters the body and inevitably causes us to have a set of responses? Are we victims of substances or cravings?

Did you know that there is a recovery center for people addicted to computer games? And that the people there go through a physical detox: sweats, tremors, vomiting...just like any other "chemical dependency." WTF??? If addictions and symptoms of withdrawal are due to the chemical leaving the body, what chemical is getting into the people from playing games?

If an addiction to a substance is only chemical, why didn't I have nicotene withdrawal after smoking three packs of cigarettes a day for a little over ten years?

How could that be? I had never tried to quit. It hadn't crossed my mind because I liked smoking. I had been working on my Inner Self intensely for awhile. I began slowly noticing an increasing desire that came from deep within me to be healthy in all ways. I started to not enjoy smoking as much, but knew I still craved the comfort of cigarettes. So I just started paying close attention to what it felt like to smoke. I knew I wasn't ready yet, didn't know if I would ever be ready to quit, I just decided to feel smoking. I remember that I actually had an increase in smoking for awhile. Again...no intention to quit, per se with all this, just an awareness of what it really felt like to inhale all that stuff in my body, feel it in my lungs. Then one morning, I woke up, and of course, wanted my wake up smoke. I panicked when I discovered I was out of cigarettes. I started to scrounge the ashtrays, looking for a butt. I remember stopping, and just saying to myself..well...shoot.. you could scrounge more, you could go to the store, or you could quit. I chose door number three.

I never got cranky (really...husband even said so, so we know I wasn't delusional). In fact, I was happy. Happy and felt light and free. I've never smoked again, never wanted to. It was never a struggle. I was done.

My drugs? After testing the waters with tons of stuff, I ended up taking lots of amphetamines every day for about a year in high school to overcome a debilitating shyness I had. I literally could not talk to people. I would try to open my mouth, but if the person in front of me wasn't a friend nothing would come out. Speed got me talking again. I ended up taking so much of it (interlaced with all sorts of other drugs) that I started to sell it to support my habit.

I wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating (part of my anorexic/bulemic phase....before they were called this) and wasn't doing too well physically. Then one morning I passed out in the shower. When I woke up, I realized that the vision of my father finding me on the floor of the shower from being so wiped out from drugs was not an appealing scenario. So I quit. I continued with other drugs for awhile, but that one was done.

Eating and alchohol were not initially that easy for me. I craved. I dieted, tried to quit drinking tons of times. It didn't work for years, until I figured out what addictions were. I have this theory that I built upon when I heard something from a wise man. He said that addictions are there because the substance triggers an archetype within us. He supported his idea by pointing to drunks and how when they drink, it's like a different personality takes over. I noticed this in me.

So with my experiences to date and this ringing-true-for-me starting point, I devised this whole idea about what an addiction is for me. It's a part, a Voice in me that needs feeding/filling of some sort. If I am able to do the work it takes to fill/feed it, the addiction is no longer needed for that job. There is no craving so it's easy to stop. If the Voice is not fed/healed/given what it needs, then the craving remains and it's pretty useless to even try stopping, because those denied desires of the Voices will take over in their sneaksy ways.

With the alcohol, I stopped drinking entirely for about twelve years. It was easy. Again...one day, after doing years more inner work, I was just done. The need for the craving was filled and it was no longer needed. Then about three years ago, I got tired of, what I called "Not being an adult" and missing out on all the wonderful potential hedonistic opportunities I had going to outrageous dinners and having the added wine pairings. I had never missed drinking, but wanted "more" in life (as I said, I am a hedonist). I also began to wonder what it would be like to drink but not impulsively. Could I do it?

I began the experiment. It was just at restaurants to enjoy those amazing meals (I am a total food snob and enjoy fine dining). It all went really well until the second year, when life began to get very stressful. The more stressed it got, the more I found myself drinking. Not much, compared to the old days, but more than felt healthy. About a year ago, I even started to scare myself a little because I started to crave it again on a regular basis. I tried to control the cravings, but it drove me nuts: the more I tried to control it, the more I craved it. For the first time in many many years, I also started to unconsciously eat to bury my pain. I became a slug, didn't want to go to the gym, which I used to love. I would notice I went in cycles when I was running from myself, afraid to go deep because of what it might mean. One huge lesson I've learned is that growth never ceases and that mine takes circuitous routes. Even though I get to a place of inner freedom, it doesn't mean that I'm done. It just means I get to do it at a different level.

Part three in this series will be about the Gifts of Addiction Awarenesses

*Even though I don't call them that.

Art

Embrace by Ilse Fourie found here

Le Bonheur by Jean Claude Gaugy- one of my very favorite artists of all time. This image was found here.
The Mask by Kathy Ostman-Magnusen I highly recommend you click on the link and read what the artist has to say about this painting. Lovely. Took my breath away.