Alambra

As a blogger I often wonder what to write about and how far into myself I want to go. I wonder what the focus and purpose of this all is for myself and why I chose to do it, much less continue to. I wonder if this blogland is a way for souls that are of a like mind to connect in ways that they never have the opportunity for. Do we write to bring light not only to our lives but maybe to touch others that yearn for those of a like mind but who cannot be found closeby?

I know that when I was a teen full of all my questions about life, that I had nowhere to turn to find someone who was like me or who could even understand the world I saw. That baseline of "aloneness" has been one that remains. When I find another who walks a similar Path, I get excited and feel more alive. I don't know where my words touch, or why I get the idea to write them, or what it is all about on a deeper level. Sometimes I write posts that tweak me. It pushes my buttons that people I don't know are now privvy to my innermost guts...my secret self. Reminds me way too much of The Burning Times.

There are posts that are too raw and get deleted before anyone reads them. Perhaps this one will end up the same way. This morning while on the morning walk, I was pondering if I felt like writing, what I wanted to write about, what was on my plate today overall and how was I feeling. Then Alambra came to mind and it was clear that if I decided to write, he would be the topic. But, how to tell the story?
_______________________________

It's just not a belief: I know there are past lives. Why? Because I've gone back a number of times and I know. No one will ever be able to convince me that my experience was not real.

In 1987, my dad had died. I was pregnant with my youngest (and have had pain around what I exposed her to...part of the stuff I have about our dynamic...but that is another story). Neither of these has anything to do with the place I was already at spiritually, but I think they added to the overall intense energies of the time of great Transition. I was also ending my stint as a Midwife because I was crispy fried burnt out. Two of my best friends and I were doing lots of Tarot, ritual, journeying together on SpiritPath stuff.

One of the things we investigated along the way was channeling. We got this book called "Opening To Channel," by Sonaya Roman. In it were exercises to open yourself to get in touch with your personal Spirit Guide/Channel Spirit.

One Sunday while my family was at church, I decided to do the meditation and meet my guide. I got myself comfortable, went within and started the journey. Whenever I have done any systematic journeying to meet guides there is always a sort "seeing/sensing" my body moving in a certain pattern in space...turn left, then right then go through an opening of some sort, go down a root of a tree...etc.

In this Journey, I went up a spiral staircase. Excited, apprehensive, wondering...I felt each step, looking around at my surroundings until I reached the top....where.... Stop. Look. Gasp...there on the door was a blinking neon sign that read "Do Not Enter."

I remember having all sorts of flashings of thoughts....on instinct, decided this was ego games trying to get me to not move forward spiritually. So I put my hand on the doorknob, turned it, and entered the room to find a bed. In the bed was Linda Blair in all her "Exorcist" glory: green face, split skin on her forehead and cheeks, those weird eyes. She was hissing and saying things-don't remember what. What I remember is thinking, again, that this was Ego Cayote Trickster, trying to keep me off course.

I walked up to her, put my hand on her face to remove the mask. The same face was underneath.

It was time to go now.

I walked out the door, down the steps and came out of trance, shaking. What the fuck was that all about?????

A week or so later, I went to see one of my Healer Witchie Women Friends. She's an acupuncturist/herbalist and person who facilitates past life regressions. I told her about the journey and asked for feedback. She suggested a past life regression. I sat in 'the chair' with a large crystal in each hand. I got comfortable and began.

There I am last year, five years ago, ten years ago, in high school....ten, five, a toddler, a baby....in the womb....there is the tunnel of light....then.....

I am a man. I am standing above a crowd of people on an elevated platform of some sort. I have black hair and brown skin...I am wearing a skirt thing...I have a gold armband on my upper arm. This armband, as well as my arm, are upraised. There is blood streaming down. The blood is there and the arm is up because it is holding a heart. A warm human heart that I have just taken out of someone and am holding up for the crowd to see.

Fwoosh, this present body is in crisis....I cannot move, I cannot breathe, I cannot move, I cannot breathe. I am feeling all this man, Alambra, feels. I feel POWER, I feel anger, sneering hissing jeering rage. Cannot move, cannot breathe, all sorts of voices going on inside my head and entering my consciousness from different areas of my brain. Me, in this time, is definitely freaking out.

I am trying to protect the consciousness of the baby inside my womb from all this.

I now understand why I was called to Midwife souls in.

I understand why I am a vegetarian.

I am afraid, I cannot move, I cannot leave this place, I cannot breathe.

Then I hone in on a voice from above my head....a little bit back and above on the left...she is gentle, she soothes me...she tells me all is well, I am safe, just flow, all will be OK. I am safe, I am here in this body that is alive right now.

I have learned over the years that there is a part of me that is always vigilant and will keep me safe, or as safe as I need to be. I flashed on a piece I had read one time about a man who was caught in an active meditation with the Tarot Devil and could not get out. He mustered all he could to move his pinky finger and broke the trance. I did the same. I returned, opened my eyes.

My facilitator was freaked, too. She told me that there had been a black cloud of smoke swirling around my head. I never did figure out if she meant in real life, but thought it was probably more likely, in her mind's eye. She did share with me later that she had a very hard time cleansing the crystals. They had to be buried for two weeks to get all the negativity out of them.

I felt sick. Had a very difficult time driving home and probably shouldn't have even tried given:
...my body's lack of ability to move much;
...how much I was crying from the trauma of all that I had just experienced;
...that my little world of thinking myself a 'good' person was now torn to shreads. I had crossed over and could no longer deny An Illusion. I have done horrific evil.

As the days went on, I decided to go to another Healer, to try for another's perspective. She suggested going back, but this time with protection and the intent to find out how he had gotten that way.

We returned. This Journey found me in him when he was a very small boy...age four or five. Alambra had already been recognized by the Priests as a Shaman and I got the sense that he was "pledged" for the Temple and was going to leave his family soon. I could feel that Alambra and his Grandfather were very close. I entered him when he was at a river, playing and splashing, entering animals, becoming one with them in their worlds. As we watched the water flow, Eagle soared above and we went inside Him, flying.

Flash forward to his teen years when he has now been a student in the temple for years. I see his main mentor/teacher. He is a rotund, repulsive man with beady rat eyes. He sees/senses me and glares at me, but says nothing. In another scene, I see a young woman that I know Alambra loves with all his heart...he adores her and she him. And I know that rat eyed mentor and the other teachers have decided that because he loves her so much she is the first person that he must sacrifice as his rite of passage to priesthood. I am desolate for them because I know what others have planned for these two innocent lovers and the havoc it will wreak.

In my journeys to past lives, there are varying consciousnesses that intersect. I see the scene from the outside as an observer. I can feel my present identity as me. Simultaneously, I can feel and sense everything from the inside of the person/life/me I am visiting. I think with them, see scenes from their eyes. I also "know" who certain players are that correspond to people in my now life. I cannot go into those heads, but I do "get" an overall sense of what their thoughts/the why's of their intent/the bigger life issue that they have and an understanding of the dynamics of the soul participation and the relationships for that life.

There is a sense of the time this life is in, and an overall view of the person's history. Images of scenes come in snippets like flashing memories on a screen, complete and unscripted...I have no idea where they come from or what will come my way. Some journeys give more insight than others. Usually, I experience all this as an overseer, but the life I am visiting does not sense me.

This was not the case with Alambra. The third time I visited him was after much despair about his choices and my quest to find a way to make him stop. I found him in a cave.* It was dark, with only a torch in a far corner. He was lying on a slab of stone in deep meditation. I felt/sensed him drawing on dark energies he believed gave him power. I "stood" there watching him. Suddenly he opened his eyes and demanded that I leave. I do not remember the whole conversation, but I remember me trying to convince him, appealing to all that is Holy to stop and choose differently. That his choices affected all times and lives, thousands of souls' times and lives, and that he had an obligation to consider the Whole and STOP! I remember him looking at me with anger in his eyes and telling me that his life was his to choose and that it was my task to learn to live with the knowledge of this darkness that is also me. He would not consider stopping now or ever. I was commanded to leave and never return.

I'm not sure how this all works, but I have never gone back. The journey to acceptance of the Dark and my place in it has not been easy. But it has been a great Teacher. I don't know if I could ever find the words to convey the understandings I learned in all this, but may revisit this over time here on this blog as I feel the whisperings of a return to doing deeper inner work again. But for now, this is just what happened. The journey to wholeness continues.

_____________________________

Picture Credits from top down:
Human sacrifice as shown in the Codex Magliabechiano, taken from ask.com
Healing Angel by Alyam Moser - go check this artist out... stunning paintings

*woah..I tried to find a picture of a cave to put on here but never found one that looked like the one we were in. But I did come across this article!