How I Do Law Of Attraction

Law Of Attraction

Yeah...so....I have this knowing that I create my world. Why/how would I choose anything other than a perfect life? Is my life perfect? Am I always smiling, feeling that Divine Connection and Mystical Oneness I have experienced so many times?

No.

I can get lost. My mind starts going places that bring pain. I go into negativity, losing Trust in my Voice. I forget that what is in front of me is safe, that nothing can harm me, that I am on my Path, that all is well. I know that all experience is experience...but I'm human, not an Avatar. I don't stay in BlissEnlightenment all the time. I've stopped placing that expectation on myself.

I came here to be alive and experience all that is. Sometimes, it's not happy. Sometimes things are not what my mind wants them to be. I am in pain. I cry. I can be very good at whining. I get angry, upset, frustrated, lose hope. All of it.

How do I live this Truth of Creating My World? How does Law of Attraction work in my real, practical day to day life? What is my process? Where do I go?

I shifted a few months ago, but in my very recent history

My Story was this:

After being a Sparkly Bliss Bunny for a number of years, thinking I had mastered things and that life would only get better and better, I slowly and inexorably spiralled down into a place where I stayed stuck for a couple of years. Life as I thought it would be did not manifest. A very good life fell away, piece by piece. This new life was a dream I chose with full consciousness. My Inner Voice was so clear that this was the right path. The risks that others reminded me of were ones that I had considered, but from my perspective, they weren't that much of a long shot.

I was wrong. Or I had misguided expectations about timings. I don't know...the jury is still out, and I am letting it go. By defining my experience as a Risk, I opened myself to all that means to me. Part of my definition involves a possibility of delay or failure, especially when dealing with unconscious creation, or what one Teacher calls "creation by default." I've lost faith in my Voice a number of times these past two years. It seems it's gone in cycles where I am fine, I trust, then the world falls apart. I got depressed when I thought of my blocks to abundance and was in total confusion about which Path to take to find my way out of the mess. I knew that if I was in alignment, this would not be. And that, in some ways makes it even more difficult. I refuse to be a Victim, but it's not as convenient when I cannot "blame" anyone/anything else but myself for being right exactly where I am.

I've detached from the tenacious emotional entanglement I created. I no longer cling, no longer try to force things by focusing on what isn't working, thereby creating more of "not working." Part of my frustration was that I feel such a passion for this vision. Part of the Story, part of my justification for making my life hell by trying to force things before I am ready, is that it's such a good vision. It serves humanity and the planet in what I feel are really good ways. I've worked really hard to get it to manifest, my partner has been working about 50 times harder. It gets to this point, then right when it feels like this will be the time it will shift, completion eludes. It's never for the same reason. He is a Master at what he does. There is no reason for it not to have completed, except it doesn't. I/we have a block.

And now, I am in the unemotional state of: if I can get myself aligned, then it will be. I am no longer willing to be in pain with the clinging. I continue to let go of all the creative energies behind my beliefs in the story, the justifications/beliefs of all the words I used in italics in the paragraph above that keep me stuck.

But back then, I lost trust in the process, trust in my vision, trust in my Voice. I had spiralled down into a true Dark Night Of The Soul, with it peaking last fall until Christmas. My tools weren't working. I would start to come out of it then dive deeper into depression as time went on. Finally, after my daughter had a major incident at the hospital and I had to face the thought of losing her, I think I broke my resistence to fighting off pain. Instead of trying to be positive and flow with what is, feeling pain but not fully allowing all I know it can be, I embraced it. I went completely into pain and devastation, with the eye that it was Life and this cycle would end, with me returning to joy again some day.
I've been slowly making my way back, with these last two months or so being able to see more light than shadow. It grows exponentially every day. But that doesn't mean the shadow is fully gone. I sometimes have to work at changing the vibration that I established slowly over those two years. I find myself going back to fear when I am off...sick....frustrated...questioning...tired of patterns in my outer world (I am such a hedonist). But these episodes are getting further and further apart and the peace stays in increasingly longer cycles. I feel I am on my way to reshifting my vibrations and get my creations back on track to the way I want them to be--back to where I was and higher, rather than attracting/creating my fears.

My work/play these days:

Because I create and that creation is from my thought pattern, I want to focus on where I want to be, not what is in front of me. It's not a denial, it's a choice...big, important difference. It's an acceptance of where I am in this moment, not fighting what is, not trying to make pretty, but also not believing it has any basis in Truth. It isn't all of me. What is in front of me now is a result of my past vibrational offerings. I may not be able to be a blissbunny yet, but I can find something to take my focus off what is in front of me, see and allow it as temporary therefore not a monster. I can get me more into alignment with what I want. If I have happier or even more neutral energy running, I inch closer.

When I was in this cycle before, about eleven years ago, I flashed on an image one day while walking. I was in a huge room that stretched further than the eye could see. It was full of gears of all sizes- some as small as a few inches, some 20 feet tall. I had the lead gear in front of me. It was my job to turn all these gears. I would feel/see myself standing ready to move my gear, knowing that when I pushed mine it would start all the others moving. I knew the ones further away, many of which I could not see, might take a bit more time to move as the system aligned itself. Not much, mind you, but there was a bit of a lag time between what I put in motion and all of it moving together. This was the meditation/visualization I did many times throughout the day. Magic began.

These days when/if I start to feel "off," I allow that to be there, and simultaneously see myself in a boat on a river. I usually listen to Abraham tapes when I walk and this is a metaphor they are using now. I love water, love to row. It felt good so I adopted it. I put myself in the river, I feel the boat, with the oar in my arms. I feel myself turn the boat from trying to paddle upstream. I feel it turn, slowly, so that it's now going down the river, requiring no effort from me to move. The oars are just for steering. Life will carry me, my inner being will carry me, once I let go of the belief that I have to struggle upstream to get to where I want....especially since everything I want is downstream.

I also pray. I sit and meditate (realign my energy) on being a vehicle of my inner Spirit that is one with The All. That I now let go of the energy that I am using to separate myself and fully open to listening to what I know is there inside me but which I am not hearing. I remind myself that I want to feel good, because when I do things will flow and I will be of Service. It's OK to be where I am right now and that I am slowly changing my insides to be where I want to be.

Life continues to shift. I don't feel I am in the surreal haze I was in, having to consciously put one foot slowly in front of the other to be able to walk. I have angels and fairies abounding that support and help me on my Path. They are there waiting for me to open my eyes and allow their support and love in. Life is good.

And I'm getting really close to the space I was in before, which was me running, flittering around, all sparkly, saying every day in grateful wonderment:

I love my life!!!

Art and Photo Credits

Beginnings from Lunar Archives sorry...I cannot figure out who the artist is....

Hope in the Prison Of Despair by Evelyn De Morgan

River pic borrowed from John Bokma

Law Of Attraction

Responsibility Without Blame

At first when I heard about this idea years ago, it resonated with me on an intellectual level. When this knowing entered my body, when I felt all that this means, my life truly changed. Magic.

I learned:

...Linear mind cannot fully grasp this concept. It has nothing to hold on to. Because it is a line, and a line has opposing ends, there must be good/bad, right/wrong, black/white, should/should not. Here, the world is created by a separate all powerful god with a plan, a god that judges from on high, condemns, doles out grace or damnation where he sees fit. If a person's life is good or they are born to a particular arbitrary tribe, they are one of The Chosen. If not, they "pay" for one reason or another: "bad" karmic debt being worked off, not accepting Jesus, Job at the whim of Yahweh because of a party taunt.

Mystic mind sees the whole. All is one. All is Love. Even when we choose to not feel/see/be love, Love is extended. We are always and in all ways unconditionally supported and given exactly what we believe.

Mystic mind is not "kind" or "warm and fuzzy" to the linear mind. It sees only play and creation and puts no value on experience where linear mind assigns its dualistic label. It sees that creation comes from desire and that desire often comes from challenge or lack. No value placed here. It's just the Dance of Creation recreating itself over and over for no other reason but the Dance.

...I am the creator of everything in my life, no exception. Everything that is in my now is because of a thought I hold. My beliefs and thoughts are conscious or un. Both create. I am responsible for it All.

....The comfort, safety, freedom and power of Responsibility. No longer am I at the hands of a punishing god. I no longer have to feel the despair of abandonment. I am Loved. The fates do not rule me. I am not a Victim. I am free....free to choose love, trust, hope, connection no matter what is in front of me. I am lovingly embraced and enfolded at all times. The universe slowly and lovingly reminds me over and over when I am disconnected from myself. It supports and shows me I am free to choose pain. And...in my forgetting and fear, I often do.

-My linear mind cannot begin to grasp the why's of my choices....especially my unconsious ones. Why would I, as a child choose disability? Why would I choose cancer? Why, as a woman, would I choose rape?

These are valuations of experiences by the linear mind. To Spirit, these paths (and other circumstance that our brains feel as pain) are rich, full, total in and of themselves. They are neither good nor bad...they just are. There is no martyrdom because martyrdom implies value. These experiences simply offer more to Creation. Perhaps in their extreme challenge, that which would never had been created sees the light. Even the linear mind's extreme pain of Death has no meaning to Spirit. It's not a bad thing...just part of a neverending cycle of birth and rebirth, creation and recreation. All just a part of The Dance which has no meaning but Itself.

...That just as I am not a victim of a god outside me, I am not a victim of anyone else. Linear mind cannot see our connection. But connected we are, partnering in our dips and twirls in Our Dance, all potentially adding to New Creation.
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All this is great. When this knowing entered my body in trance, it hit me deeply and altered much in my psyche. But/and I am a practical, well grounded Mystic. I want my spirituality to be alive. I want it to have applications in my life because I came here to live and experience that Life in my body, with all its adventures and emotions.

To be continued.....

Art credits:

Divine Vision by Dana Anderson

Past Lives With My Ex

Years ago, when my ex husband and I were in deep conflict, I was trying every avenue I could to understand our dynamic. I was looking at my early childhood: what early life patterns was I repeating here, patterns that had nothing to do with him but which I brought and he fulfilled for me? Where were my projections, what was my soul learning here? As I explored my early childhood, it occurred to me that there might also be issues that we carried as souls into this life from shared past lives. It made sense to me that if we are influenced from our early childhood that there was good chance that our soul memories might have impact here, too. I thought that if I understood what it was we were dealing with, it would help me on a very practical level right here, right now in this relationship dance we were doing.

So I did a few past life regressions over time, going into them with the prayer to be shown things that would help me to understand my life in my now.

I've spoken a bit about the experience of what I sense/see/feel in a regression here. There are simultaneous realities going on. I am me, Pamm, today with all feelings, reactions and perceptions. I also have the ability to discern the energetic connections and patterns going on. I am also inside my past life person, so feel/see/sense as them. I can understand connections between this life and the past one visited, can see people from then that are in my life now. I see them as they are physically in that life, but I just "know" it's the personality from this life. I cannot go inside them to see/feel in the moment like I can with my past life person, but I do understand and intuit very strongly what they feel, the overall way they think, their soul life task in that life.

The first life I came in contact with when I went back was to a time somewhere in the late middle ages. I was a village lass- I was blonde, considered the beauty of the village. I was a very simple person, with a very low IQ. Not quite to the point of being disabled, but not bright at all. I was buxom and wore low cut tops, with full skirts, usually went barefoot. I loved animals, could almost talk to them and remember one "scene" where I was in a barn type enclosure hugging and holding a cow close to me. It's like I was in love with this cow, communing with its gentle spirit.

I remember walking along a path and seeing a big tree. I "got" that I died there by hanging. This information was not available to the past life me, and I in my now was not troubled by it...it was just information for me. I didn't see or experience the death there, but knew it was significant.

I remember walking around the town and seeing my ex. He was a monk, with the shaven head and long brown robe, a rope at his waist. He wanted me sexually but couldn't handle the feelings. It came to me that he was the one ultimately responsible for my death in that life we shared. Because he couldn't understand or accept his lust for me, he told the Church fathers that I had bewitched him and was of the devil. This one helped me to understand that the things we were dealing with were not new for us. We had done this dance before. It also helped me to understand why I was afraid of his views on my Spirit Path. It helped me deal with that fear in a more rational way (a bit).

The next life I remember was not as clear. The images came in shorter clips. I can usually get a sense of where I am in a regression. With this one, I didn't know what continent it was on. There was danger- a natural disaster of some sort, like a volcano erupting or a huge earthquake of some sort. Fires were burning everywhere, it was dark. We were on a balconey watching all this. My whole body was painted blue and I had a long flowey robe on, a gold band across my forehead. We were embracing. For some reason, although the primary danger was this disaster, I was also in danger personally. Possibly being "blamed" for this disaster? Again...this one was not as clear. The only other thing I can remember was that this was a very very ancient life and our first time together, kind of sealing our soul "theme" in which I am "outsider" he is "accepted/normal."
A few years later, I am in the middle of trying to leave the marriage. I go to do a breathwork session and spontaneouslyf ind myself being burned at the stake while a crowd cheers around me. Patrick is standing so that he is eye level with me. He is smiling. The energy he shoots at me is "I gotcha."

Then I have one more memory. This one was another spontaneous one that I flew into one time when we were having sex. I was on top and we had been at it for some time, enough for me to go into my trance thing that can happen. All of a sudden, when I closed my eyes, I lost who "I" was. He wasn't him. It frightened me because I felt I couldn't control it. I opened my eyes, calmed down and it went away. Then I closed my eyes again and within a few seconds the same thing happened. I was "back there"...not sure exactly, but not in this time at all. I opened my eyes again to return. When it happened the third time, I had to stop our love making it freaked me out so much. I wish we had been of the same mind that I could have told him. It would have been so interesting to have someone to explore that with. Oh well.

Going back was helpful to my then mind. It helped me to come to terms with lots of who we were and helped me heal. Did it do anything to help the relationship? Nope. Wish I could say it did, but my primary intention of it helping our relationship didn't happen. Probably because in the end, it doesn't matter what went on in our past lives. It's what's happening right now that does. I know now that we can change patterns in an instant, but we have to understand and believe that we can and commit to doing the work it takes to do so.

I don't know if we are "condemned" to repeat relationships until the patterns of pain are healed. I don't think so, unless we think we are; if we carry guilt, anger or cannot find a way to forgive our parts in the Dance. I'm not there with him, yet. I do, however, hope he is happy.

Art Credits:

Wheel of Life from The Library of Congress
Monk from Avenue Vine
Spider Web by Phil Hine
Split Personality by Stanley Abeyesinghe
Dark Heritage by Brian Wiles.

What's My Path?

When asked what my religion is, I never know what to say. In Italy last year, to stop discussion when I would be asked, I would just say "Buddhist." It's an easy handle to hold onto, even though I don't consider myself one. I used to call myself an Eclectic-Esoteric-Ancient-New Age-Pagan-Mystic. Then I just said Tantrika. Now it's either that or Mystic. It doesn't matter because I get the same blank look either way. So although it has no name, per se, it includes

Tons of Tantra

A Little Mystic Christianity

Some Paganism/Wicca

Tons of New Thought

A Smidge of Hinduism

A Good Amount of Buddhist Practice

Shamanism

My Mother

But my primary source, my place of greatest learning, my primary guide and what/who I listen to most.
Me

Photo/Art Credits
Dalai Lama from Encyclopedia Britannica
Shaman's Medicine Wheel from here
Ocean from here
Kali from here
Mother Mary from Sandra Stanton
Drawing Down The Moon taken from here
New Thought/Law Of Attraction, Abraham-Hicks
Tantra ShivaShakti from here

Beltane

Beltane is right around the corner: May Eve. Green is everywhere. Plants are maturing as are the animals born in early Spring. We see wonderful signs of sensuality all around us. The air is warm but not stifling yet (well...at least if you don't live where I do in Northern California, but play with me here.). Scents of flowers fill the air. The sun is high in the sky and the nights are still balmy. This is the time to celebrate the budding sensuality of the teens, when we're no longer a child but not yet fully adult with all the responsibilites that time of life requires. It's time to celebrate our bodies, the life force we feel running through us. Time to dance, sing, dress provocatively and celebrate our Orgasmic potential.

This is one of the bawdy festivals we kinda sorta hear about from the olden times when people would dance around bonfires and have tons of sex. Lore has it that children conceived at this festival were considered Holy and the responsiblity of the community because no one knew who the father might be. You don't have to "go all the way" to celebrate the spirit of these times.

We always dressed really sensually with lots of skin showing. Silks, gauzes, ribbons of all sorts, shapes and sizes, jewelry, lots of makeup all over our bodies. Flowers are everywhere around the altar as are symbols of fertility.

I cannot imagine doing a Beltane celebration without a Maypole. Ours were always at least twelve feet high. We used 3" think ribbons of every color and hue. It's lovely when the pole can remain up all woven and be-ribboned until Samhain, when it's taken down at the celebration of Death, but today there is no thinking of that time. It's all about exuberant celebration of the very alive body.

I love the hypnotic energy of the Dance, with people weaving in and out to music. My favorite chant for this:

We are the Flow

We are the Ebb

We are the Weavers

We are the Web

I've found that if we think about what we're doing, the weaving and pattern always get mixed up. But if we let go of our logic minds, look into each others eyes while we sing and play with the un and down motion, it works perfectly every time.

My favorite time doing this ceremony was when I did it with a group of men and women. While the women were all colorful, the men dressed as the Green Man....paint smeared all over their faces and bodies, plant wreathes or leaves in their hair. They were wild with drumming, growling, yelling and jumping around. The pole was hidden. Then they had the women line up in two lines across from each other, creating a path for the men to thrust the pole they were carrying as a group back and forth as they slowly made their way to the hole the pole would go in. As they would pull the pole back they would take a short step back, then plunge forward with a groan out as they moved forward again. We women would be chanting Yes, yes, yes!! with each thrust. As they got closer and closer to the hole, they went faster and faster until they reached the hole, dropped the pole, fell down on the ground and pretended to orgasm. It was really fun.

That day, after doing the pole, we chased each other around the forest and kissed...some may even have completed the Sacred Rite, but if they did, they didn't make an announcement about it.

In the workshop where I made each of these celebrations a day long ritual combined with Tantra, we did a beautiful healing exercise where the women paired up and told their partner their sex history. How did they lose their virginity? How did it affect them then and what were the whispers of it now in their lives? As many women have body issues that stem from this time in their lives, I would also have them break into groups of four, sit nude in their small circle and one by one talk about their relationship with their body from head to toe, focusing on Yoni last. After the talk, the Speaker lies down in the middle of their small, intimate group. The women massage her with all the tenderness of a mother touching her newborn while whispering to her how beautiful she is. They give her healing Blessings that would relate to the areas she may have talked about with shame. Finally, the woman would be held by the others as a group. This is a very profound exercise for a woman. Beyond words.

In all cases, whether a women's group, women and men's or Tantra inspired, the ending, of course is a sumptuous feast. But this time, it's great fun to have it be a feast where you cannot feed yourself- we don't use utensils, we feed each other by hand. It's quite yummy. Especially the chocolate.



Art and Photos Credits:

May Pole from Ellie Crystal's Metaphysical and Science Website

Jeweled foot from Yasmina's Joy of Belly Dancing

Green Man from Spirit Passages

Butterfly from Wild Wall Flowers

Yummy chocolate picture from here

Ostara

Yes, the word Easter is obviously from Ostara, Oestre or Ova, the egg. If you've ever wondered where the mascot for this Christian syncretized celebration came from, it's because Rabbit is one of the symbols of Oestara- a symbol of fertility. This is the celebration of the Spring or Vernal Equinox. It's a time to celebrate young children, life, gaiety and rejoicing at the return of Life to the planet.

Flowers are blooming, the air is changing, trees are leafing out. Young animals are running around, birds return to sing again. The Earth gives promise of young growing life. We celebrate the return of Life to the planet with the sun staying higher and higher in the sky every day.

Candles return to bear witness to our intentions and are placed on an outdoor altar with profuse color everywhere. Flowers, strawberries, ribbons, toys and all sorts of fun stuff abound. I like it best when this ceremony is performed at dawn, but most people are not as excited about that symbology if it means they have to get out of bed early on a Sunday morning when they would rather spend a bit more precious time in bed. (pansies, I say!!!, hehehehe)

We wear bright pastels, bring smiles and laughter to play egg games, run and play tag and hide and seek in the fields. It's fun to plant some seeds for summer flowers. At some point we would share about how we have seen little indications that our intentions were growing and we give nurturing to each other in their "toddler" stages. I like to read an alternative version of the myth of Persephone. In this version, instead of being kidnapped and required to live in Hades' underworld for six months of the year as punishment for eating six pomegranate seeds, she chooses to go back to bring love and light to those who live there.

If I was doing this with a Tantric bent, I would include a circle where we talked about our early experiences with sensuality, sexuality. What are our earliest memories of sex? What are the messages we got about our bodies?

At the end of the fun and festivities we close the circle, then eat, of course- the strawberries, colored eggs, salads of fresh greens, lovely pastries and always always chocolate. Because it's important.

Art credits:

Ostara Image is Called Breath Of Gaia and it's painted by Josephine Wall

Rabbit from Spirit Weaver's Church

Persephone White Flower Gallery

Imbolc

Imbolc is celebrated in the beginning of February, generally around the 2nd. Bulbs will soon start to peek out of the ground. We know that process is beginning underground but even here in California we can't see them yet.

Imbolc means either sheeps's womb or milk (depending on what reference you're reading.) This holiday is a fire holiday, one of the high Holy Days in Wicca. When the Catholic Church made its move into the lands that observed this holiday, they knew that to outlaw them completely would alienate the masses and be counter productive. So with this Holy Day as with all the Wiccan Holy Days, they overlay it with a celebration of their own--Candlemas. It's still practiced in many cultures today.

It was around this time, too that the Romans used to celebrate their love rituals with Lupercalia. Around February 15, the young women would put their names into a pool to be picked by one of the young and they would spend the day together in celebration of passion and love. The Christian Church felt compelled to overlay this holiday with one watched over by a celibate Bishop Valentine, but that is a topic for another day.

Samhain, which is All Hallow's Eve or November Eve, is the celebration of the Veil between the worlds. It's the time we celebrate those who have passed on. Winter Solstice, in December, is a time of Spirit, in between lives. It's airy, full of Grace, when the Spirit is in the OtherWorld. We see the hint of the spark of return of life as the solstice celebrates the extremes of the dark, but the next day begins the journey, the rebirth of the Sun.

For me, Imbolc is the time of the spark of life returning but not evident yet. It's pregnant with possibilities, a beautiful time to let go of the old then bring in the new intentions for the cycle of this year. Some of the things I most love to do at this Celebration:

We are indoors, dressed in white and red with a fire burning in fireplace or woodstove. Each of us brings a large altar candle.

After grounding, calling in the SpiritGuides, the Elements of the Directions, Air, Water, Fire and Earth we connect our energies together. A prayer is offered. Then we sit in meditation and ask our Higher Selves what it is that we wish to let go of today. We write these down on small pieces of paper.

Drums start as we gather in a circle around the fire. Each woman, one by one, goes to the fire, says what it is she wants to let go of distilled into one word and does whatever her body wants to do to get it out of her. Some stand in silence, some dance, some scream and shake it out. As she does her thing, the rest of the women chant:

"Put___________in the fire, it will take you higher and higher."

This time we ask spirit what it is we want to invite in and we ask for a symbol that will signify that for us. When we come up and out of the meditation, we take special Sacred Candle Decorating Wax* stuff (wink wink) and put the symbols on our candle. After all or most** have finished we share what came to us in meditation and show our candle. We then light it.

We put these candles on our altars at home. We light them whenever we feel moved to reconnect ourselves to each other and our intention.

Each celebration,the candles come back to be on the main altar and our intentions are honored at each step of their manifestation. hands, feeling each other. And we sing a song:
<

May the Circle be open, but unbroken

May the Love of Spirit be ever in our hearts

Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again.***

We close the ceremony with a meal that has lots of red food and chocolate.

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*actually this stuff is a toy from a wonderful kid's catalogue called Hearthsong. It's really thin wax that softens from the heat in your hands and adheres to your candle.
**the really slow folk get to take some of the Sacred Candle Decorating Wax home with them to complete their project.
***Most people sing "Goddess" instead of "Spirit," but like I said I do things the way they feel right for me. The Merry meet...etc, line means "We come together happy, we leave happy, we come back again happy." At least that's what it means to me.....heheheheheh....

Art and Photo credits:

Imbolc painting from Crystal Wolfe Blends
'The Elements: Earth, Air, Fire and Water' by Susan Point; print can be purchased here.

Candle Decorating Wax and candles from Hearthsong, as linked above.

The Wheel Of The Year

From Cats In Gloves

Once upon a time our spirituality was more connected to the rhythms of the Earth. Most traditions had celebrations to give thanks for crops and to honor other seasonal cycles. The Old Western European traditions celebrated eight Holy Days which were aligned with the Soltices, the Equinoxes and the points in between which they called the Cross Quarter Days. There are probably tons of sites and other blogs that can go into all the history and such about all these and some day I will link to them and come back and edit this to reflect that for those who want to learn more and don't want to do a google search for Celtic or Pagan or Wiccan Wheel Of The Year.

I started doing these ritual celebrations in 1989. I attended a workshop of these rituals led by Hallie Igelhart Austin the author of Woman Spirit: A Guide to Women's Wisdom,* at her home in Marin County. I happily trudged there eight times over the year after my mother died.

I was so affected by the power of these ceremonies that I took their essence and brought them back to the womans' groups I was in. I borrowed some of Hallie's ritual components, but meditated, learned what they meant to me and came up with lots of my own stuff to share with the women. I found the process to be so profound, I even offered it one year as a workshop combined with Tantra. Although I stopped participating in the groups years ago, I am happy to say that the group continues and is still celebrating these holidays. It got so large that there are now at least two groups that have broken off. I did a year with a group of teens years ago, and it is my understanding that there is another young women's group that has just begun. The groups still sing the song I taught them as closing in honor of the line. It makes me immensely happy to have been there at the beginning of such a long tradition!

The Celebrations are not only a reflection of what is going on with the Earth. The more I meditated on them, lived them, tuned myself to them, I saw that they are also reflective of the Life Cycle of humans. So I celebrate them in that way, too. Pagans celebrate the New Year at Samhain, or All Hallow's Eve. The more I pondered them, the more I saw that these Celebrations had the most meaning in my life when I started the cycle at Imbolc in February. It feels "right," feels in alignment when I think of them in this way. And since I always took what I wanted from each Path I felt called to,and hardly ever followed any rules, this is the way they will be presented here.

I began this blog too late to have Imbolc and Ostara presented at their appropriate times. Beltane is almost here. I will present these holidays in their own posts over the next few days then talk about the other Holy Days closer to when they are actually celebrated.

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*Sadly, I could find only one copy of this book available on the net. It was one of the second waves of books I bought when first learning about Feminist Spirituality.

God Giving Birth

God Giving Birth by Monica Sjoo

Birth is not easy. It's not clean. It's messy, it's smelly, it's sticky. Women are in pain. They scream, they cry, they shit and pee.

Birthing is chaotic, can never be controlled. Even the doctors who try to do so from fear (with their surgeries, pills, forceps, sonograms, monitors, etc.) cannot control it because it's about life. I learned in a very personal way that no procedure or intervention can stop a complication or sad outcome that is not going to happen.

When you start attending births, you learn very quickly that there's a force present that is a part of you. You tap into it but it's not about you. This birth is about the family. A midwife does not "deliver" a baby. She assists the Mother to open and deliver this soul in this body in this plane of existence. The baby and the mother are who and what's in control. From our broader perspective and experience it's our job to watch the signs, see where things might be off either physically or emotionally then make suggestions to assist the two to work together in this transition. Our job is to be an invisible watcher, a vehicle, a conduit for soul entry.

The energy in control here is not a tidy glowing long bearded man up in the sky. It's not logical. The only rule it has is that there are no rules, no commandments, no scriptures, nothing to hold onto. Birth energy smells like Earth. It's dark and damp and musky, like the Autum. It's light and airy and joyous like a Spring day. It's about feeling and sex and the possibility of death at any moment.

In order to give birth vaginally, a woman has to let go of all she knows. She has to give her body entirely over to the raw energy of Life flowing through her. At births, and soon everywhere in my life, this energy expressed itself to me/in me as Divine Feminine. She wasn't the airy Mary of my youth.

She was Sheela Na Gig

Kali

The MotherPeace Tarot Priestess of Wands

Gaia

When I was 27, I remember becoming obessessed with this Earth energy I was feeling, trying to find out what it was and what it meant for me, why it drew me. I had no one to talk to, nowhere to go. So I did what I always did, being the scientist I was: I studied. I remember going to a bookstore and going to the religion section. There on the bottom shelf was a small section on Women's Spirituality. It turns out I intuitively ended up choosing some of what were to become "classics" that day:


The Motherpeace Tarot Book by Vickie Noble and Karen Vogel. (I had no idea what Tarot was, didn't "get" that I was supposed to also have cards to go along with it, but loved the text and images so bought it...then got the cards when I figured it all out later).

Spiral Dance by Starhawk- a definitive work on Wicca and The Goddess.

When God Was A Woman by Merlin Stone. Amazing book on history of The Goddess in the Fertile Crescent.


Another which is not so popular but is still one of my favorites called Earth Magic by Francis Hitching. This is a wonderful book on Ley Lines, Menhirs, Stonehenge, Glatonbury Tor and other standing stones. There is tons of really interesting information in here on history, maps, readings of energy patterns that have been done on the stones. The information in this one blew me away.

Because I lived in a small town and was busy with three kids, being a midwife and starting another business, I had no access to the women who were doing all this in the big city. All I had were books. And desires. I started doing ritual, or what I thought was ritual. Some books would describe what the basic elements were and I would just put them all together in a way that felt right for me. The more I studied, the more resources I found. Soon, I found two close womenfriends who had some of the same interests. We began doing Tarot, exploring channelling, ritual, ceremony, we found other women and began women's groups. Eventually I joined an out of town group that celebrated the Wiccan Wheel Of The Year so got to learn more from those outside my circle.

Throughout this all, I kept asking to learn the earliest form of Spirituality on the Earth. My thinking was that the earlier the Path, the more pure it was because less logic and layering had been added on. I thought that people who were closer to our animal natures were more in touch with the Earth energies so had more of what I wanted to experience because they had more direct access to God. Lots happened during this time but it was during my twenties that the basis of my Inner Theology and Spirit Path began to take shape, even if in rudimentary form.

The core is:

I create my world in its entirety.

Law of Attraction creates.

Everything is connected.

Everything is God/Goddess/All That Is

Life is the Path

Every Mystery of Life can be explained in the breath.

And most importantly for me: the only reason is For The Dance.
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Art:

Kali by Thalia Took
Sheela Na Gig by Monica Sjoo
Gaia Shrine by Lauren Raine
MotherPeace Tarot image by Vicki Noble and Karen Vogel

My Early Spiritual Life

I've always been a very spiritual person. My earliest memories of feeling God were on a swing singing. I felt escstatic, joy overflowing. I think one of the reasons I have always wanted to fly is because of those body memories. Every Sunday at my Catholic Church, I remember feeling in total awe of my surroundings. I would feel myself soaring in the rafters of the church, way above..not in an out of body sense, but elated. I fervently prayed to Mary- she was the one I focused in on in my childhood. I had various statures of her, a blue rosary, even a blue Bible. I felt called to be a Nun so I could devote my life to Mary and Jesus.

It was a little before I reached the age of eleven that I started to have slight shifts in my ideas about the nunnery. By the time of my Confirmation I knew that something was wrong with the church I went to. In that ritual, the Bishop was supposed to symbolically slap us (it wasn't a strong slap, more like a tap). In response our ritual response was to kiss his ring. I remember feeling full on rebellion.

By the age of 13, I was done with Catholicism. I remember sitting in church, having a difficult time listening. I could find no shred of reverence or respect for the what I felt were hypocritical teachings and rituals. The Eucharist no longer took my breath away. I had long ago stopped going to Confession. All I could see was people making their four year olds come to church and sit for an hour when it wasn't their nature, and yell at or spank them for being who they were. I stopped going to church entirely at age 14. I had discovered that Christianity wasn't the only religion in the world. Even in the Midwest.

A teacher in my high school had introduced our advanced college prep English class to Krishnamurti, the Moody Blues, Paramahansa Yogananda and Herman Hesse. We read his book, Siddhartha. I read all of Hesse's books after that. My world changed.

Here was my Path- the Path of Life. Of fully going into it, embracing both the ecstasy and the pain. When I read Narcissus and Goldmund I saw that I had been Narcissus when young. I had been taught, and in my trust I believed, that the way to God was through structure and religion. Now I felt/knew/remembered that my true Path to God was through the body. Goldmund's woodworking, his finding the ecsatic in sex and the body rang true for me.* Texts, lessons, scriptures, rules, laws, commandments were all about the mind, not the heart. Here, my heart flew. I knew I had found my spiritual me.

I lived in Detroit at the time--not a haven for the mystically minded. I had no Teachers, no guides. I became pathologically shy.** I literally couldn't talk, except to my family and a few close friends. I mean literally...I would open my mouth and could not speak. It was weird.

I started smoking, drinking and taking drugs (the speed cured me of shyness). My reading interests were books on Hinduism and other Eastern thought and Satanism...which, I'm sure completely freaked my mother out. When I took acid, all my trips were spiritual. I had visions of spiritual symbols, read the Bible while high. I became a vegetarian at age 17, much to the chagrin of my grandparents who were cattle ranchers. I was a wild child, a Child of the Wind. (which I remember singing running down the road one winter night higher than a kite on acid with my shirt off....heheheh...quite fun!)

Then in my second year of college, I met my soon to be husband. I knew we were soul mates. I knew we had been together lifetime after lifetime and that this was more a matter of finding each other again than mere chance encounter and attraction.

Not much is available to my brain about that part of my life. I know I drank alot. I worked alot. We went camping alot. I know I had a spiritual life, but I also felt a bit lost. I had read this book that said if you drank or smoked, you were not worthy of being on a spiritual path. I remember throwing the book away.

We got preganant. I had my first daughter in a hospital. The birth wasn't a bad one, it was intense and really fast. The only "complication" was when the placenta didn't come out within three minutes so the doctor decided he needed to dig his hand into my belly and massage the uterus to detach it.** This was extremely painful, equalling a contraction, but worse because it was such a violation. He was being so forceful that blood sprayed all over him and the wall behind him when the placenta detached. And this while my daughter was still on my belly. The nurses were furious, but nothing like I was, once I came down from the high of giving birth.

But that man did me a service. My anger over this and other invasions after the birth gave me a cause. I was going to save babies and mothers from the medical profession. I became a midwife.

Birth is an extremely powerful experience. A birth at home is nothing like one in the hospital. I've never felt the energy in a hospital that I do at home. I could feel it the minute I would walk in the door. I have only kindasorta seen(?) one spirit in my life and it scared the shit out of me enough to know that I don't want to ever see one again. But I feel Spirit. I feel the energy. When you walk into a house where a mother is in labor there is a whole host of Beings and energy around there to assist this new Spirit into the world.

Those experiences of feeling Spirit, of witnessing and being midwife to souls entering the world opened me to other places within myself. I didn't know where I was going, didn't know it had a name, but I knew I had to find out what I was feeling.

A new chapter began.....

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* This was my first realization/connection with Tantra, even though I had no idea that Tantra existed then.

**many years later, I got an astrological reading done by a man named Edwin Steinbrecher. I will talk about him in a later post, but he told me I had two of three "alien" constructs in my chart. It is common for teens with any one of the constructs to become shy, suicidal, alienated if they have no mentors at this time in life. It was an immense relief to hear about this.

*** completely unnecessary and dangerous...not to mention a really rude thing to do to a newborn baby and mother.

Photo/Art credits:

St. Peter's ceiling from Declan McCullagh

Carved Wooden Leaf from Paris Parfait

Birthing Universe by Majak Bredell

A Passing

I want to honor an important man in my life who recently died. I will call him Dave. Unlikely people come into our lives and they change our preconcieved notions of what it is to be human. Dave is one of those people for me. He was a Teacher of mine.

When I met him, he was a pretty cantankerous crusty sort of fellow. We used to argue about his practices of dumping bags of garbage on the side of the road "to give the road crews something to do." Or when he burned his plastics. Or when he would go on a rant about how if he owned land with Redwood trees, he had the "right," bygolly, to cut them down because he owned them. He was always getting in shouting matches with service people. He was pretty cranky, pretty controlling, used to yell alot.

Dave was a staunch Republican cattle rancher, a retired airline pilot. He loved to sit and "run the numbers," as he called it, on his cattle. He would constantly figure and refigure the feed, buying the marginal cattle no one wanted, cost of putting them in the feedlot at the end. He loved being the outlaw cattle rancher, doing things outside the norm but the only one making a profit. He had been invoved in over 55 Real Estate transactions over the course of his life. He hated the IRS and told me stories of the ways in which he rode the edges of deductions. His advice if you get audited? Mess up all your receipts and bring them in their chaotic mess in a box to the IRS. Don't take a shower or shave for a few days before your appointment, and make sure you have something small or middling to "give" them so they wouldn't look deeper. And finally and most important: go in with a cigar. That last one probably wouldn't work these days, but he swore by his system.

He was 65 when we first became acquainted. At that time, he had a high prostate count. He was gluten intolerant with Celiac Disease- got violently ill for a few days if he accidentally ingested any of it in sauces. Consequently, we had to be very careful whenever going to restaurants. I suggested that he try Tantric exercises for his prostate. At first he was reluctant, but then decided to give them a try when I told him his prostate count could go down. As he was scheduled to get a biopsy and did not like the idea of being stuck with a bunch of needles, he decided to give them a try. After six months of his dilligent practice, his count went down dramatically.

He got hooked. He started doing all sorts of Tantric and Taoist exercises. After about a year of practice, he became multi-orgasmic (!!). Then he started meditating and journeying, eventually working with a Native American Shaman. He studied herbs, even became the "Herb Expert," giving information and advice to his aging and ailing friends. His diet changed to a more healthy one. He even went to a workshop with me. Gradually, he became happy, laughed lots, was much more tolerant of people, opened his heart more. And it was visible. His family and friends would tell me he looked twenty years younger and that they had never seen him happier. He was calmer, open, gentle and caring with people in ways they had never seen him before.

Dave had bad lungs. He was always short of breath, but the last two years had been hard on him. During the time we hung out together, he had gotten much healthier with walking and going to the gym but a few years ago he started having more problems, started needing an inhaler. I was concerned that he would have to go on full time oxygen as it was getting increasingly worse. Dave had not done much smoking in his life, but had lots of trauma to his lungs from flying. He was also a Pisces. I've noticed that all three Pisces men I have known well have trouble breathing. Not sure what that's all about, but there it is.

He didn't die from his lung thing, though. He got cut off while driving and the accident caused his neck to break. He died after deciding to do surgery to increase the likelihood of a better quality of life. He wanted to live, but I guess he decided to go over the berm he always saw in his meditations...the one he always tried to avoid because he knew it was the place of his crossing.

Dave was one of my angels. He was not always an easy angel as his crankiness sometimes crept its way into our relationship. It wasn't always easy. But this man wasn't the only one who changed as a result of our relationship. He taught me in a very immediate and personal way that no one stays who they are in the moment and no one knows where they will be called. I directly that changing and shifting continues all through life, no matter what age, if we allow and invite it. Who he was when he died bore no resemblance to the person he was when we met. Even at the age of 65 he opened to Spirit and continued his journey until he passed. He meditated every day, going to his special place, sometimes going so deeply he would have to choose whether to come back or not. I think this man used those last years to truly open to his Spirit and that he succeeded.

I feel honored that he shared things with me that he had never shared with another human being. He had secrets of metaphysical experiences that he had held inside for decades, thinking that if anyone knew they might not let him fly anymore. When he told me, he shook violently with the intensity of the memories. I think I knew more about his life than anyone on the planet ever had. I cannot explain how it affects me to have people trust me like that. It feels like the highest Soul Blessing I can imagine to have people open to that level of nakedness and intimacy with me.

I've noticed something about vets that served before Viet Nam. All the ones I have known (and there haven't been many) have wanted to talk about their experience during that time in their lives. Dave and the others I know talk about it incessantly if we will listen. Even though Dave was 65-78 when I knew him, and his years in the Navy were when he was in his early 20's, that time in his life was the main topic. I could count on at least one story every time I saw him. Even with the 30+ years he was a pilot for a major airline, the Navy stories outnumbered the airline stories by a factor of at least ten. I am not sure what this is about, but for it to be the main thing on these vets minds for all these years, it's Important.

So because this was his most important time in life, I wanted to post a picture of a Navy plane from the time he was enlisted. I don't remember if this was one of the ones he flew because I never pay attention to those kinds of details. I used to drive him nuts when I would come home from a trip and not remember what kind of plane I had flown on. And he always asked.

I miss you Dave.

Cleansing Cold

art by Drew Guest

I am really really sick. Sicker from a cold than I have been in years. I hab a head code and am all duffy.

I'm in my body; actually I'm in my sinuses and my lungs. They require I be present with them. I have to remember to breathe, to open slowly so I don't cough but to open to bring life force into me to heal. My body's a bit sore, I don't have much energy. All I want to do is lie around and feel.

I don't really do this sick thing very often, but when I do, I try to find out why my body decided to do this right now. What's it trying to tell me?

A few weeks back, I got really sick from alcohol for the first time in twenty years. I had been graciously taken to an outrageous Japanese dinner and way overdid the sake. Not my usual MO. Later that night, when I woke up and drank more water, I got progressively nauseous. I ended up being sick all the next day and queasy/not right for about five days after.

While I was out of it I started to self pleasure at one point and brought myself to a huge clitoral orgasm. Normally this is it for me...once I have one of these, my body wants to rest before it will go there again. But this time, they came one right after the other...four or five. All explosive, all equal in strength.

I got that it had to do with the vomiting I had done- that it had opened up my Hara, or third chakra so there were no blocks to interfere with the orgasmic energy moving through me. I learned that I have work to do on my Third Chakra, the place of power. It's time for me to look at the whys and ways I have given my power away, abandoned myself.

I remember another time I was sick about fourteen years ago. I had a raging fever, all my body hurt, and I couldn't even get up to get myself some water. I was all alone. I don't know if I got delirious or whatever, but I started to get these wonderful little rivulets of wormie type energy going through my body. They would be on my arm and leg, then my torso, then head, then down my legs. They were beautiful and I almost didn't take the fever remedy that someone finally brought me. I didn't want them to go away.

And now I have this cold.

I have not been self pleasuring.

I have not been feeling little delightful sparkly zingies.

I have been crying lots.

Lungs have to do with grief. My sinuses feel like they are holding unshed tears.

So I am letting them flow, allowing whatever is there that I have kept inside for whatever amount of time to release and not be held in my body any more. I'm thinking this is a cleanse, so I am allowing my body to just do and be what it wants. It feels like it's a good thing.

What Is Tantra?

After years of study, practice and observation, I decided that in one way Tantra is like Christianity. There are over 1700 flavors (sects) of Christianity with huge diversity of opinions, doctrines, practices, etc. It is the same here with Tantra.

For instance..the Dalai Lama is a Tantrika. So was Osho/Rajneesh (the guru guy from Oregon who had all the Rolexes and Cadillacs and who got thrown out of a number of countries. His followers were accused of doing the first mass terrorist bio attack..they poisoned a restaurant buffet with E Coli to make sure people could not vote in a local election and they would control the town).

With all this diversity, I decided there are three broad but distinct divisions of Tantra. Once delineated they make the question "What is Tantra" much easier for me to answer.

1) Souped Up Nookie Tantra

This is a term I read in a book by David and Ellen Ramsdale called Sexual Energy Ecstasy. This form of Tantra is the one everyone is familiar with and is in the media. It's about all that stuff that usually elicits a smirk in people when the word Tantra is mentioned: burning candles, putting on nice music, breathing a bit together and all sorts of positions from the Kama Sutra. It's sweet, and makes for nice experiences that are generally outside the norm of most people’s sexual lives. For the average American who knows how to do missionary sex, who has no idea that sex can be longer than five minutes, and who has no idea that a man can be multiply orgasmic, it is a very good thing if you want more out of sex. This really isn't intentionality about anything spiritual, but rather a better sex life. We Tantrikas would say everything is of spirit so this is, too.

2) West Coast Tantra (my name for it) or Neo Tantra

This form of Tantra took off in the 60’s and 70’s with the Somatic Psychology movement. Basically, some new Agey thinkers in the realm of the body and how it is connected to the mind and spirit, took many select ancient Tantric practices, combined them with new psychology, threw in new Relationship as Spiritual Path theory/practice and voila. It's a combination of intense sexual "exercises," Reichian Therapy, Breathwork (ancient yogic pranayamas, Holotropic Breathing, Rebirthing, and lots of other forms), ritual, Deep Tissue Massage and release work, elaborate, advanced Master Level Souped Up Nookie practices, conscious relationship practices, yoga or Tai chi, Gestaldt therapy and a mesh of many other therapies the particular Teacher/Practioner might have studied and found opened them up. All of these exercises and processes open the energetic channels that hold Kundalini energy.

The ultimate goal here is Spiritual Enlightenment through the Body as Sacred Vehicle. This is the form of Tantra that most of my formal training was in. By this I mean tons of workshops from a number of different Teachers, many of them being weeklong ones. One was over the course of a year. I did a ton of independant book study (on Neo and Mystic Tantra), even getting eight or so college credits as my degree was Religious Studies. I also assisted my teachers and after time, offered workshops in my community. The biggest name Teachers of this type of Tantra are Margo Anand and Charles and Caroline Muir. The best Teacher I know is Dawn Cartwright . Her intuition, presence, ability to maintain herself in the middle of chaos, insights, healing energy, and the ways in which she has synthesized all the different elements and practices combine to make her a "Master Teacher," in my opinion.

3) Ancient or Mystic Tantra (my name for it)

This is the old Path and it is extremely rigorous. Often the practitioners are celibate, only partaking of sex in ritual called Maithuna, and do hours and hours of daily meditation, yoga and visualization of deities. There are extremely complex breathing meditations, body postures (mudras), chanting mantras. In India, this Path is not admired too much (she says very subtley). The practitioners often go to live with the lowest castes, often choosing to live in Crematory grounds. They participate in activies that are taboo and the more extreme sects do stuff that is considered downright repulsive in most any culture (which is not discussed much at NeoTantra workshops, she says very amus-ed-ly).

All of these are designed to quickly rip away attachments, dissolve the ego, and sever any semblance of its feeling safety in the outer world. Kundalini is raised so that pure mind/enlightenment can be obtained. Everything is seen a divine and as such, Sacred and practioners' goals are to be in union with the Divine/One with God. The Path is often called the Fast Path to Enlightenment or the Path of Fire. The best Teacher I know that is available to the West and the public at large is Daniel Odier . This is and was my Path internally, athough I haven't been too rigorous lately.

In the end of it all, I've come to define Tantra as the Path Of Life, lived fully and with presence

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Painting "Kundalini Rising" courtesy of Cynthia Re Robbins
Shaivite Sadhu by Asian Art
Meditation from Tranqulity Is Yours site.