Day 21

Today's session ended with a very long pee. I forgot to mention that every time I have a particularly good session, I always have to pee after. Yes...these sessions are that releasing on all sorts of levels as the body lets go.

I had another interesting thing happen in that usually I don't answer the phone when I'm breathing, but my daughter called and I knew it was important so I answered it. What was interesting to me about it was that when I put the headphones back on, I went dizzy/disoriented and it took awhile to correct. It felt like the music was influencing my brain waves. Never had that happen before. Trippy stuff.

Although I had the bowl, ready to vomit, I, again, spontaneously caught my breath when the sensation came up. This time, however, I was able to catch it after the first impulse and just feel/breathe it through....not fighting the sensation, just allowing it all and breathing into it more.

It feels really cool the way my body is responding energetically. The more I allowed the nausea, the more the breath played with it, the more I felt energy pouring out my heart. I also felt, for the first time, energy pouring out my back in the upper part of the lumbar area where it's frozen. I'm liking how I'm not getting excited when that stuff happens...just continue breathing, focusing and feeling, not letting mind get in the way, not pushing, just being with all of it.

After awhile, the energy also went down my legs and eventually, for the first time ever, I felt it pouring out my yoni. At first it felt like my uterus was contracting...or expanding?...not sure...not cramping or painful, just lots of pressure there, feeling very big. Then with a number more breaths, the energy slowly moved so that my yoni felt really really full...stretched tight. When I was able to relax into it, the energy sensation pouring out was incredible. My hands were throbbing (but not in a bad way) with so much life force coming out.

Before that, I got in touch with a deep longing for The Beloved and cried lots...had all sorts of realizations about life situations. Not sure what they all mean but it was great to feel them. It felt especially yummy top just sob. Really was a no brainer that I could cry this session, because I've felt weepy and emotional all day. I didn't disappoint myself. They showed up pretty quickly and got more intense as the session went on.

One thing I remember is this flash on when I was overweight. As I lost the weight, I would notice at plateau stages that old issues would come up. I wouldn't realize it for awhile, but then would go..geez..why is this bothering me now..haven't though of it for ages. As I healed the issuem (primarily doing this same work), the weight would melt off.

In my 3D life, I'm a confident person. But when I was younger (teens to 20's) I had huge shame issues. Earlier in this session I felt shame overwhelm me. All sorts of stuff has been going on in my life these past two weeks that has brought feelings of shame for me. In fact, I've been really good at creating all sorts of situations to bring it up. It all culminating with meeting up with my sister this past weekend so being reminded of old family issues. We are all very good at shame...which....lest I forget....also goes hand in hand with judgment of others, too. I've been wrestling with unusual-for-me internal dialogue lately, Judge has been running like it hasn't run for...sheesh....20 something years??? I'm highly critical of both myself and others right now...not like me. At. All. It does not make me happy.

I "got" that this may be like the weight issue thingie....like maybe this is surfacing now as I open loving life force is infusing my body more...like the last vestiges that were/are buried in my hip and frozen back are healing so all that is flushing itself out. The crying wasn't only about craving for Union, and also on a more practical level of the fear of having to make some decisions that may not be easy. But then again...this is precisely why I'm doing all this.

When does one pull the plug on important stuff? When is enough enough?...when all resources are exhausted? Or...does one cut one's losses and try to regroup with half a heart? And what to do when neither one feels "right?"

I guess my answer would be that I breathe. Kinda feels like all I want to do right now, smiles. Help!

Image is from here and is what I feel like during and after a session. I wish I could see energy. I can only feel it.