Day 23

Most every time I've asked for spiritual learnings and opportunities, the universe provides almost instantaneously. In this case, I've asked to open my heart more and find places of unconditional love.,

It's easy to feel unconditional love when it's not challenged. Love and peace can flow effortlessly when all is going exactly as I want it, happies are staring me in the face everywhere I look. But then, that's about being conditional...things on the outside have to look good for me to feel good on the inside. It's when things on the outside aren't that way and I'm still able to maintain that feeling of peace and love that I've truly reached the level trust and inner peace that I want.

With my open heart flowing I pushed "publish" on my last post. I then went to see if there were any new comments. There was one.

It was from an artist from one of the images I had used. I don't write the artists before publishing images, but I always give credit to them, figuring if they don't want me to use their art, they will let me know. Until now the feedback has been very positive and sweet. This one informed me that I had used the image without permission, that she found the content objectional and that she didn't want her image to be associated with it.

I found it really interesting that it was from my post called "Secrets," in which I had taken made myself fully vulnerable. I took a leap of strength, openness and truth telling about myself, disclosing my past on here when I knew it was something that I could be judged for.

I reflexively went into protecting my heart mode. Nothing huge here and I had to laugh at the hilariously amazing perfection of the universe bringing me exactly what I wanted. I asked to consciously work on keeping my heart then instantaneously get judged for a post where I had tweaks about being judged!! The universe is such an amazing place to inhabit!!

I thought to write her. I decided, instead to just sit and feel and send her love. Stuff came up again later in that night, but I continued to send her love. I want my heart to open and remaind open.

Then yesterday was "one of those days," where it seemed the message was...sit...be...don't try to do anything because it ain't gonna work.

Plans got cancelled, my computer connection would not work. I got to feel abandoned in a few places. It was also "one of those days" for many important people in my life...all who turned to me to lean on and recieve support....a pattern in my life....and one which I am grateful to have because I love these people and am happy they love me enough to ask for support. But, if I'm not feeling whole, I can also go into a victim "I am never supported" mode. It was pretty cool to see how I was being provided with tons of opportunities to decide to either keep my heart open or shut it down in distrust, frustration, protection or fear.

So..Pamm...can you stay with an open loving heart in the midst of all these cool opportinities you being provided with? Or will you decide to shut down in distrust, frustration, protection or fear? Can you do this day in another way????

I did. I stayed open all day. At the end of the day, when I got another whammy, I got kinda off kilter, but all in all I was pretty excited about staying present, breathing and keeping my heart open.

Because it was such an interesting day, I didn't have time to do the breathing until about 10pm. Generally I do it by early afternoon. I decided it was a perfect time as I could just go to sleep after and let the energy continue to flow.

My intention/request for this session was for it to address the shame stuff I've been experiencing...and to continue to open the heart even more.

I noticed that with all this breathing these days, it's almost like the residuals of the session before carry over and the level of energy doesn't abate as much. It starts to get intense with just a few breaths now if I focus on it. My mind did wander a few times during the early partof the session and I wouldn't feel the energy moving. But when I would tune in again, then it would increase. The scientist in me decided that this shows that it's not only about the breathing, the chemical reactions of the O2 and CO2...intent and attention are a huge piece of this process.

I breathed for a long time....kept rewinding the CD as my body wasn't feeling any blocks at all. Finally, when the breath started at the panting stage, I was doing really deep strong panting and I started to feel firey sensations in my upper chest/thymus area and throat. It was getting stronger but the music started to slow down and I didn't feel ready to slow down...so I rewound it three times. The breath was really starting to open up into my throat...felt a fluid acculation thing I'd felt when I was doing this years ago and wondered if I would go into choke mode. But I didn't...was able to stay with the breath and let it all flow. I started to feel pressure in the back of my head....then went to rewind the CD again and mistakenly pushed the off button instead...dagnabbit!!

Then forward winding to the place I had been at got me out of that "special" moment and it didn't return. I decided to just slow it down and go with the after intensity tinglies and openings.

Still the nausea. Still the inability to just let that first hurl sensation to flow...but, again, did have presence of mind to let the second and subsequent waves be.

The thing about this time that's different is that I had low level nausea continue during the rest of and after the session. I felt some this morning.

About eight months ago, I had an intuitive hit that something may be up with my liver. I've been slowly getting my body ready over the two months to do a liver cleanse. I'll hopefully be ready for it in about a week or so. We'll see if things clear up after it.

And I'm thinking that instead of pushing things, I may do a gentle session today. We'll see what feels right in the moment.

Images:

top opening image from here

heart image from here