Days 28-30 And Beyond

Although I've not been writing, I have been doing my breathwork sessions. Days 28-30..and the days since have all been kind of progressions of a theme.

There has been lots coming up around surrendering. Surrendering to not really knowing what's going on...yet trusting and feeling lots going on. I continue to open, continue to feel, continue to experience the energy moving through my body in different places. It all feels like there is healing going on, slowly, yet surely, as my body accomodates more and more Life Force.

These last few days, there was a pattern of taking awhile to get into the intense, fast paced tempo of the cathartic, circular, fast breathing. I found myself rewinding back over and over from minute 21 or so to minute 15 and getting then keeping that intensity going.

One thing I'm finding interesting is that I'm starting to experience that numbeing, tetany in my fingers after I've been breathing for a long while now. It feels like the breath has cleared lots on one level and that now I'm accessing another- one that's possible scarier so my hands are holding.

The pattern the past few days has been that after a number of rewinds of the CD, all of a sudden my upper chest/heart area starts to generate tons of heat, along with prickles. Then the breathing starts to really breathe me. Huge inhales are followed by long slow exhales, where I feel everything flowing out of me and don't want to stop. I feel lots of energy flowing out my feet, knees, all the chakra areas from throat down. It kinda pulses, but mostly is just a steady flow that feels like there is a hole in the area where something is pouring out.

The nausea comes now with the deep breathing and doesn't wait for the rest period. I allow it. Today it had progressed from feeling like it was in my belly to definitely being in the throat area...first in the lower throat, then more towards the area closest to my skull..then into the inner ear/temporal area. As it moves, the area it inhabited before is left feeling free. So in other words, when it shifts from my abdomen to my chest/heart area then up..I feel no stomach nausea. Not sure if this makes sense, but it's the best I can to to describe the physical feelings.

Day29, the energy was really intense and it felt like if I wasn't able to totally relax in the middle of the intense feelings, that my hands would have been experiencing pain and tetany. My arms went up perpendicular to the floor, outstretched to the sides and didn't want to come down. It was weird. On all days, when my hands have started to go become numb, with more breath, they relax and just allow the energy to flow, instead of being all curled up in pain. There is also lots of enery in my backm which I'm very thankful for after decades of being numb. Plus, there is the beginning sensation of the tightening of my throat, which used to happen all the time when I used to do this years ago. But this time I slow it down, knowing that each time I touch there, healing occurs. I don't need to push because I'll be back tomorrow and can let the energy flow a bit more to allow the healing slowly, without trauma (I used to choke and stop breathing from chest pressure and my throat feeling like it was closing).

I've decided to continue this journey. I won't be journaling about it as much as I have been. I'll probably only be updating about it from time to time, maybe with big breakthroughs. But I keep hearing "A Year Of Breathing" in my head. So we'll see where this goes.

My assessment of this 30 days?

I feel more alive. It's not an effort to do this at all. I crave it, and get almost frustrated when my life (which has been busy with family matters) puts it off until the end of the day. I feel that if I start to fall "off the path" during the day, and start to feel disconnected, all I have to do is breathe and I'm back to feeling loving and OK.

I feel very vulnerable. Some days, such as today, I'm weepy. I'm feeling more energy from those around me, am much more sensitive to their moods and overall energy output...like..are they primarily a happy person? Frustrated? Angry? I feel their energy literally cut through me and I have to breathe to not feel overwhelmed. I figure that with time, I'll be able to maintain my openness and not be influenced as much by those around me.

In the meantime...

I feel lighter, more at peace than before I started. I walk with my meditation more and more as a constant reminder of Life. I'm clear that I am beyond blessed. I've come to some difficult decisions that might not be easy in the implementations, but which feel good in my body. I keep getting images of

1) selling all my "stuff" and entering a buddhist temple or going to my cave.

2) selling all my "stuff," moving to LA to live with my daughter and starting anew

I'm noticing that the constant there is selling all my stuff. So, I guess, a garage sale might be happening soonly here, smiles.

Surrendering....I'm learning what this means. Still have more to learn.

The journey continues.