Day 22

Jiminy Biminies.

One would think that after...um...almost 30 years of inner growth and spiritual work I would remember a thing or two. But it's so easy to forget the realizations we have and the applications of it...then to actually use what we know.

Why is it that I can remind myself about certain things in concept, I can remember them for others when coaching, but when it comes to my own stuff I forget things?

When will I remember that the places of my greatest fears and pain are the places of my greatest power and healing?

I crack myself up.

It's now Wednesday. I've been in an emotional "something" since about Friday. I've been feeling, allowing stuff to bubble up and integrate, along with stirring and opening. It's been an amazing journey, indeed.

Today's session was about realizations of unconditional love and how I have been unable to be that. On all sorts of levels. The stuff's been dancing around in different areas, playing on the edges of my consciousness, but today it all kinda gelled together in a flash of insight.

I love it when the pieces just all fall into place at once without me pondering my way through it logically. There it is...all at once...understandings of a place where I hold myself back from Spirit. The impact of it manifested itself in all sorts of areas of my life that flashed before my inner eyes and showed me how I have been playing my fears out in my world.

My heart. I've been guarding my heart for years. When I was a Courtesan, I could not do it the Escort way because of my need to guard my heart. I guard my heart in relationships of all sorts and kinds.

My heart wants to open.

Ever since I was....wayverysmall, I've been spiritually driven. By the time I was a teen I was obsessed with my Spiritual Path. The obsession turned into a buring desire for enlightenment. The way there has taken many forms and I'm still a long way off, but I have gotten more open, centered, peaceful and happy overall. Way.

I've always said (and have heard it from others now over the years) that how I do sex is how I do relationship is how I do community is how I do the world is how I do God.

Today, I got (again?) that the ways I hold onto and protect my heart in relationship and my old line of work are the very things that keep me from that Union with the Beloved that I seek. That the pain of a broken or fear-filled heart, when experienced and allowed to transmute, opens my heart in ways that I have never been able to experience through the mind talking to itself about what it wants.

The universe is a very interesting place, indeed. I find it so cool that things in my life synchronistically appeared to give rise to huge emotional stuff for me. I got to feel them all, sift and sort, do this breathing around them, and now, today, I feel this internal shift.

I wrote the other day about how I was feeling judgemental and cranky about people and myself..and how I didn't like it. That's gone. Every time I looked at someone today I saw a Spirit on a journey and appreciated them. I'm spontaneously going to that place of compassion where I used to live. I look deeper than to what's presented. I am less impatient with one area of my life that has been a major contributor to my "decline" this past cycle..and I am OK with it in ways I've never been. Detached, watching, not knowing if I want to continue much longer, but no longer angry and distrusting. It just is what it is.

I wrote about little awarenesses that had come over the weeks. I've had other things in my life that have been triggering heart issues. Everything came together today for me as I breathed, crying with Thanks over the gifts all this (what Abraham would call) "contrast" has been.

I got again today that everything that I label as pain or have fear about in relationship is an opportunity to open my heart more, in surrender and unconditional love.

Shoot, I love the universe.

And physically? As these realizations flashed in during the fast paced breathing part of the session, opening me to more while just being present, I had tears of joy streaming down my face. Strong energy flowing in the heart and hands.

I made the connection that the big stuff, however, doesn't come with the intense breathing. It's when I slow down at the end and really tune into the subtle nuances of the energetic flow throughout my body when the big stuff seems to happen. It's like the fast breathing is the spark that gets things flushed, then stuff is integrated and moves through with the stillness.

I had the bowl again in case of the hurl feeling. Yes, it came again....right at the edge of very deep hover trance. Again, my instinct to push it down won over my desire to stay present and go deeper with it. But I was able to catch it on the second wave of nausea and breathe it through. Again, as it fizzled with the breath, the energy moved up and opened my heart even more.

I'm excited to have reached an opening here. I'm excited about finding more. I'm excited about learning and being open to what else is in store...I have no idea where this will go. And I'm excited that my sacro-iliac joint feels freer than it has in over a year....maybe two.

Golly, I love the universe.

Art

Fourth Chakra Dancer by Bonnie Herman Zachary