Powerful Living 3- Loving Myself

This is the third piece of how I live powerfully. The first two parts are about how I see The Victim, the second is my relationship with Death. These posts were inspired by Karen Lynch's Blog Birthday Bash.

________________________________

I love us folk "on the path." I love hearing our stories how we came to where we are (one of the reasons I love blogs...free, ongoing, mini-biographies). I love how dedicated we become to our path of self discovery. We spend hours reading, studying, doing all sorts of practices, going to workshops, taking online courses, doing classes of all sorts and kinds on body, mind and Spirit.

We are, as a group, committed. We do really difficult work, mucking our way through our issues (...and man this stuff takes time and energy...yes?). Once you're on The Path, there's "no going back...." right?????

Our goals are "honorable." We want to become better to be happier, more productive people. We want to be better partners, parents and friends to those we love, better citizens to co-create a better, balanced planet. Many of us want to become enlightened. We want to be our own personal best. And when many of us find answers, we want to spread the word of the world as we see it. We want to teach others what we've learned..."the way."

If the rest of the Speerchul world is anything like I was, we are always looking for the piece that will help us heal some wounding within ourselves:

"I want to heal the old relationship issues I have so that I don't bring those to my new relationship...I want to start healthy and whole."

"When I heal the piece about my father not loving me, I will feel whole."

"If I could just find where in my life I got this procrastination/eating/poverty consciousness issue from, my life would magically be better."

"If I can just flow positive energy, then things will also flow outside me in ways that are more in line with my vision."

"If I am a vegetarian and meditate enough and do enough yoga, my body will then be pure so I can move the energy better, which will lead me to enlightenment much faster."

And on, and on, and on.

I used to be a Type A person (I really, really was....and no one who knows me now who didn't know me then, believes me but it's true). I was really Type A with my Spiritual Path. After devoting most of my waking hours to either practice or pondering my Spiritual Path and personal growth; after about $30,000 in alternative therapies, workshops, books, heavy duty bodywork, classes, study courses- I had a realization.

By the time I hit about 38 I could see that I had come far, but oh my...I still had wa-a-a-a-a-a-aay more to go. When I would finally feel like I had an issue healed, four more would pop up.

Oh.

My.

God....

...it will NEVER end.

I will ALWAYS be fucked up.

I froze.

I started to freak out.

Then I felt it.....

What a.....relief!!!!

I will always be fucked up....wow....cool....No matter what I do, I will always be wounded. No matter what I do I will always have issues to work on, to mend, to be aware of. It's a part of being human. I don't have to heal anything to find a perfect partner because five more things will show up behind it...plus...my partner will be wounded, too. And that's OK...this spice is what we came here to do and play in.

It's OK that I'm not enlightened...I don't ever HAVE to be enlightened. And I don't have to go anywhere to find enlightenment, I don't have to buy any more books, go to any more seminars, spend any more money doing any of this stuff unless it's to play and fine tune...I don't HAVE to be doing this any more.

And...get this...Pammie...even if I get it even half way together this life, I will die and just start this journey all over again. It's never ending.* Ha-ha-ho-ho-he-he-ha-ha.

What a relief to let go of the striving for perfection!!!

And another big revelation??? I thought I liked Me before, and that all this was coming from love and "good, right" intention. And it was. But now I see that I was giving myself subtle, and not so subtle, messages that there was something wro-o-o-o-ng with me. That I was flawed, not whole, not complete, separate. My Victim had tricks-i-ly convinced me that I had so much wrong with me that there was no way I could ever get out of it, or feel whole because of all the imagined stuff.

Maybe I'm just a very slow learner. Maybe it's because I'd done all that stuff that I got to this place. I really haven't a bloody clue and it doesn't matter. What matters to me is that I really like what it's done inside me.

There's a calmness that was never there before. I laugh at myself. Whereas I was "on a serious mission" before, now I am much more playful and fun. I made peace with Victim, told it it no longer had the strongest voice to keep me from feeling whole. My self talk is gentle, different, fun, compassionate. When I go through hard times, it's not beating myself up because I and/or life are somehow IMPERFECT. It's more about...hm....feeling this ripping apart...not fun...what to do? Get lost? Lose trust in my Voice? Stop trusting? I now remember my Spirit and balance returns much faster. Instead of "Oh my... gotta go to some breathwork to figure this all out, gotta do this, gotta find that something that was the cause of this to root it out and HEAL!!!" Now it's: ...here we are. Feel, feel, be, feel. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. You are OK, you are loved, all is well. If you're lost, you'll find yourself again. Breathe.

I am much more present, feel much more Life Force moving through me. Because I'm not so worried about "doing things right," I have lots more energy to really be with others. Since I let go of my inner struggle, I'm no longer inside myself and can be fully here with them. Because I laugh at myself, I laugh much more with others foibles, instead of judging. If I make a mistake, it's no big deal. If others make a mistake it's no big deal. I see many more "mistakes" and "miscommunications" where I used to be sure someone was intentionally doing something to me. I feel much more compassion for the world and all our little things that make us human. I feel others hearts even more. I don't have to look far to always find the positive in life and others now: positive is just there. Because I am coming more and more to terms with the dark places inside me, I can extend that out to others. Because I'm gentle with myself, I can be gentle with others when they need that gentleness the most. I realized that before, no matter how hard I was trying, I couldn't extend out that which I wasn't willing to give myself. It wasn't balanced.

Am I saying that the journey isn't needed? Not really. I don't know about anyone else, we all have our own journeys. It obviously was needed for me because that's what I did. Am I saying that there is nothing more to learn? No. Do I think I will never attend another workshop, read another book, listen to another Teacher? I haven't a clue what the future brings. I may want to, but that's a very different energy than thinking I need to do this to get better.

So now when people talk or write me about the confusion they feel, or if they are upset that they haven't moved further upon the Path, or are upset or questioning something in their lives about their lovability...I remind them:

You are doing just fine. In fact, look at how really well you are doing- look at this, look at that. Be gentle with yourself!!! Instead of looking at what is yet to be done, let's look at what you've accomplished, how far you've come. You are on their path...learning right now, doing fine, doing the right thing because whatever you do is the right thing...there are no mistakes in the long run because you can always change course and go another way. What you're doing now will serve you in ways you can't begin to imagine now. You're doing really really well. You are learning lots, learning about yourself. The learning may not be able to be assessed in multiple choice format, but you will begin to notice things have shifted in magical ways and you are a different person than you were before, reacting differently, seeing things differently. You will be stronger in yourself.

I invite them to imagine they are with their best friend who is in deep pain. Would you berate that friend who is in agony now? Coldly or angrily tell them to go fix themselves? No...you would hug that friend. You would be there with them. Sit with them, hold them, love them. Please....be with yourself in the same ways you would be with this friend or a child in pain. Give yourself that which you give others.

__________________________________

I think that when we learn to love ourselves we shift in all sorts of ways. What we do on the outside may look the same, because much of the action is the same. But I think the outcome is much more positive when we approach our Living from a place of LovingOurselves Power. I also believe in the magic that when we are acting from a place of inner love and harmony, that our mere presence shows others that there is another way...the way of self love.

When people love themselves, they naturally extend that love outward toward the world. They don't have to be mean to others to protect "what's theirs." They trust. They don't judge others. They do no harm and live with a strong sense of internal ethics. Likewise, when they see action out of alignment with the good of The Whole, they act because they have to. When you love yourself, you can't not act. But the action comes from a very different place and intent.

Aside from a short period of my life, I have always done service work of some sort.

I am, once again, slowly beginning to work more for the a larger audience of people and the planet. But this time it's from an entirely different energetic intent. It's softer. Before, my motivation came from being driven by my Victim Voice that I needed to fix the imperfect world. I'm no longer on an angry mission to arrogantly change the world according to my image. I learned that although it may make perfectly logical sense to me, my image may not be the the highest Vision for the planet and its people. Imagine that....peoople have their own ideas about how they want to live their lives....and that might not match mine!!! It's like when someone is dying...long ago I used to think that I "should be" praying for the person to get better and live. Then I came to understand that it might not be what that particular soul wants. Who am I to say what's best here? Likewise, in the bigger picture of the cosmos, the world is just fine and is creating itself more and faster every day.

But there is pain and as this hurts the whole, it touches my heart. This time, I don't feel the need to heal the world. I want to support Earth and it's people in the ways they define they want that help. Because I'm an Italian Leo, I get on an occasional fun rant or four. But when that's done and I calm down, in the end, I am comfortable enough in myself that I don't need the world to fit my vision of what it should be. I trust that all is well and working its way through whatever the Soul Path is.

Service work still calls me. It's where I feel most alive. I am slowly beginning to put myself in the middle of places where people are remembering and re-awakening to their empowered selves and creating new lives in the ways they define and want them. Because I love myself now, and am not caught by my Victim, I no longer see Victims out there that need help or fixing. I see Strong Souls who have lived and learned lots through their ordeals and are ready for huge creation. I am excited to see what they will create and want to celebrate and support them. I feel called to do this because there is simply nothing else I can do.

Plus, it's really a lot of fun.

______________________________

* I don't suscribe to the whole wanting to get off the karmic wheel of life thing because I think from our soul perspective this Earthly life thing is a good thing. I think souls are chomping at the bit to get the opportunity to come back here and add to creation in this way. And...part of that co-creation is working with and loving our "stuff."

Art and Images:

Dalai Lama from here

Jesus from here

Kuan Yin from here

Mary from here

Tara from here