Monday, May 7, 2007

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Law Of Attraction: Bodywork


One of the best ways to feel more in alignment is to be more in the body. A clear fluid body, free from accumulated stress can change a person's whole outlook on life. Ever get a massage? Remember how really really good a good one felt...like you are walking on air?


The body and mind are linked. Sometimes I wonder where one begins and another ends. If I am stressed, my body cramps up. Shoulders tense and end up around the ears. Eventually the backs goes out. I've had countless occasions where my emotional release has an impact on my physical wellbeing. One notable time was when my back was in a tweak phase. I tried everything- chiropracty, massage, yoga, etc. Nothing worked and my back was sore for a few months. Then one day I was driving in the car and I felt like screaming. So I did. I screamed, cried and yelled all sorts of obscenities for a good ten minutes; sounds like a short amount of time, but try to maintain that level of intensity for that long. When I was done, my back was totally free.

I've also experienced this in reverse. There have been times when my mind has been fretting,then I do a breathwork session, release whatever it is that I've been holding onto and I am at peace. I believe there is a reason some practitioners call it 'bodymind' rather than separating the two.

I've explored a number of different modalities and want to present a review, recommendations and links to all of them for anyone reading who is looking for tools that work in aligning themselves consciously with Law of Attraction.

Friday, May 4, 2007

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Q&A 1- Law Of Attraction

Law Of Attraction

I have a dear friend who is very supportive and encouraging me with this blog and other creative endeavors. He has asked to be call Sam on here.

We come from very different backgrounds. He is a man of science and math. I am a mystic. We have formed a very close friendship over the years. He has a number of questions about all this stuff. We talked about it and thought it might be fun to do Q&A's from time to time. His first question:

Pamm, what a beautiful blog you are creating! Very moving writing and
terrific artwork to go along. I can buy in some to what you are saying about
the Law of Attraction. Certainly there is great value in positive thinking.
However I cannot reconcile “creating my own world” with the idea that “my
life has a purpose”. My spiritual belief is that the universe will help me
accomplish things only if I am moving in the direction of the purpose that
has been set for me. Can you help me with an explanation?
Sam...I'm glad you like how this is going and thanks for the compliments.

First off, I want to say that this question has brought up an issue for me that I think will bear repeating many times. Sam...I have no answers. I do not propose that anything I have written here is "truth." It's just my Truth. I don't put these disclaimers all over the place because it interferes with the flow of writing and I have this in my sidebar Welcome. But I will emphasize it from time to time. I think that there are tons of Paths to the Divine and that mine is one. It may not be, and probably isn't, for anyone else and that's fine with me. I've gotten here through years of searching...all done internally then finding universal supporting evidence in my outside world. I finding my way through my body and get my mind out of the way, then ground it here after with my brain. With everything I hear, read, whatever, I wait until it feels right in my body before I take it is "me." I encourage all to do the same.

And I am happy to answer the question as I see it.

This is more than just positive thinking, but includes positive thinking. It isn't just "let's be Pollyanna and golly things will come my way." The thing about positive thinking is that it creates a vibration. That vibration attracts that which is like it, puts us in the energetic field to rendezvous with things similar. So if you want more love but the stronger unconscious thought is that you are afraid you won't get it, you won't get it. Your vibration is "won't get love." Likewise- if you strongly believe that your life has a purpose..AND if you hold no conflicting beliefs to get in the way of that belief, then the universe will definitely support you in that belief, just like it supports every other belief. I would agree that it will provide you every opportunity as you move toward your believed purpose, probably in truly magical ways (cuz it has so much to work with).

The only place we differ is the discussion of who/what is the prime mover here. Am I hearing you correctly: are you are saying...that God, The All, The universe is something separate? Is it Fate...something/someone outside us that plans what we do? Is there a tallying, a place where it is written, a man who sits on a chair who decides all this for each of us? Or is it us, our souls, our higher selves who direct this, then us tune into, lead us to the places in the universe (which it is a part of) that bring us what we want?

Our souls are a part of Godforce to me...so yes, this can mean that the universe is "directing" me because I am a part of that universe. But to separate something out of the equation, as if we are not one, is the place I keep hearing that we differ. That, I, Pamm, am merely here acting out a script. This is an ancient discussion.
____________________________________________

And his followup question, copied from email:

Pamm, I would still like to say a few words in defense of the
concept of fate. While I agree that it is important to look within and that
there are many answers to be found there, I also think it is important to
look outside of myself for clues from the universe regarding my fate and the
purpose of my life. My spiritual belief is that if I am on the right path,
the universe will help me. If I am on the wrong path, my way will become
more and more difficult. It is important to be able to recognize and respond
to these signals. That way one can change direction before devoting enormous
amounts
of effort to a path that is flawed or fated never to be.

Sam
Again Sam, we see and feel the same thing happening but we approach it differently.

We both look for clues outside ourselves to see what we are manifesting. I see/feel that when I am on the "right" path (in other words, when I am in alignment with my desire and my Inner Being) things fall into place and they manifest. The universe is always helping me to figure out what my vibrations are in this moment, what beliefs I hold that are self defeating. I, too feel that if we get a "signal" that things aren't going right, it's important to recognize it and respond. The "flaw" you speak of is that I am not in alignment with the path and the signal I am getting is universe telling me that. The universe always brings me what I really believe about something, not what I think I believe or pretend to believe. It's a vibrational thing and vibrations don't lie.

Again, for me, it's as I stated with your first question...it's a matter of internal or externally based choice. Who/what chooses? Is there something out there that sits and plans every step of our way? If something outside us has a plan, when do we become free? If we are bound by fate then is the recognizing of the signal you speak of our choice? Is the choosing under our control? Or is that, too fated? If it's not fated, then when does Choice begin and fate stop? And who/what decides when fate stops and choice begins? For me..and only me...even with linear logic, "fate" as predetermined by some outside source, makes no sense to me...unless your belief is that everything we do, every breath we take is fated. My body feels dissonance there. This is the universe telling me that this idea is not a part of me. Hehehe....I guess I am fated to not acknowledge fate.

As far as a purpose...I think that when we find our self defined soul's purpose, we feel in alignment. Things click, the universe sings in harmony with us to support us in ways we could not imagine possible because we are one with the universe. No conflicting beliefs are interfereing with us allowing the universe to flow in us. But, again...this purpose doesn't come from outside us. The universe love us unconditionally, without hesitation. It loves us so much, it doesn't care what we do...it just goes on loving. It has no requirements of us; we put those on ourselves. We want to do service. We want to make our mark, we want to do what we can to further humanity in our own unique snowflake ways. And we do.
Law of Attraction.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

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On Linear And Mystic Logic


I've been reading about Fate and Choice on various blogs and in the media. I've been hearing about the controversy around "The Secret," a movie about Law of Attraction.

Each time I hear the detractors, I consider the logic being used. I introduced my ideas about this here and will return to pieces and parts of the topic over time.
Of course, Law of Attraction makes absolutely no sense at all when looked at from Linear Logic. Do the critics really think that all who see this Law think that people with cancer, for instance, my mother, would consciously create their own death from a horrible disease, creating suffering for themselves in that way? Or that anything can just be surfacely "positively thought-ed" away? Or that people who experience a natural disaster are "to blame" because they "created" a hurricane? Or that a woman in the Congo asks to be raped while her children watched? Please. Give me a break. It makes no sense at all.

It's unconscionable (not to mention rude, insensitive, and silly) to look at a child with leukemia and ask why they created this for themselves. If anyone uses this principle in this way they don't get it. If anyone uses this as an argument to refute it, they don't get it. They don't have to. What's important to me is that I do.

Linear Logic and Mystic Logic

Linear Logic (LL) cannot find answers here. I understand. And I also understand some of the critics' frustration and protective blasting because of the message that some use to get this principle across. When the idea is distorted, it can potentially and mistakenly take suffering people places that bring more pain if they operate from their linear minds. One of the tools of linear mind is blame and its opposite, forgiveness. If you start to attach blame to Law of Attraction, you get nowhere. It has no meaning and gets lost in a carnival atmosphere.

When I was in college I took numerous Philosophy classes. I took them because I saw a religion there. Like a religion, it's trying to explain existence and how to operate in it. Like a religion, it has its laws, its rules of operation, its requirements to be able to discuss itself. I heard Philosophy trying to explain God and Religion, as if they are the same thing and like Philosophy was somehow outside that.

But Philosophy cannot explain The All in any way that makes sense to me. Philosophy goes all over the place trying to explain something outside its ability to grasp, using words that cannot apply, almost flailing it it's attempts. Reminds me of a dog chasing its tail.

LL holds duality, right/wrong/, up/down, separation, as Reality. LL will only consider thought that provides tangible outside proof of LL's self defined universal principles and rules. I am not demonizing LL here. It's a vital tool and has its purpose. It's the logic that builds roads, creates industry, takes thoughts and things in a line from point A to point B. LL lives in the physical world, sees the progression of time, sees differentiation.

But without its rules, it cannot function. When it's confronted with realities outside its existence it has to try to find a way to explain what it sees. But it only has its self defined, albeit limited, tools to operate from. What happens when something outside its ability to define/explain/understand presents itself? It grasps. Because the Linear cannot see it, will not accept that this something refuses to follow the very rules which supports its survival, it freaks out. It creates systems, rules, catagories that are more comfortable to that logic. It wants comfort in the form of "making sense."

It's a different story when another form of logic is used. Linear Logic (LL) does not acknowledge a type of logic I have named Mystic Logic (ML) as valid. ML is OK with that. It encompasses and includes LL, but is more. Because of its fluid nature, it allows for and accepts LL and all that LL wants to create for itself, but does not follow it or feel bound by it, its rules or its requirements. The reverse does not hold, as LL cannot go where ML goes. It doesn't have or allow itself the tools to go there. If it did, it's rules, the glue that sustains it, would not apply so it would die.

Mystic logic see wholeness. It recognizes that duality, right/wrong, up/down, exists for those who it serves, but that in the end, everthing is One, everything is Sacred. Whereas LL has to have tons of rules to sustain itself, ML only has one: that we create our worlds completely. The rest is all expression.

Death, happiness, cancer, catastrophe, joy, ecstasy, love, murder, pain, mass murder...it's all the same. There is no heirarchy of experience, no reward/punishment factor that is meted out by god, the Akashic records, karma, fate, whatever. No experience is "bad." No experience is "good." We give things those meanings. Although tragic and horrible for her to have to go through all she did and beyond devastating to me as a human, my mother dying of cancer was not an awful thing to ML. She was born, she created, she did a life cycle, she died.
Likewise for me to win the lottery or have amazing orgasms is not a wonderful thing. They are all just "things" in the Dance of Life, having no meaning other than creation upon creation.

And why? What is the purpose of all this? Because. No bigger meaning. Creation begets creation. We return to creation.

This idea cannot make sense to LL, which has to have "importance" in its hierarchical mode. No point in even trying to explain it. This lack of a recognizable purpose to life sounds depressing, nihilistic to LL when nothing could be further from the truth. The thing about Mystic Logic is that once it's understood and accepted, much of what cannot make sense to LL suddenly becomes clear. Former mysteries are no longer mysterious. My body/mind/spirit can go places other than a line.

I think that there is a possibility that ML cannot be fully understood until it is experienced or felt. I say this because I didn't understand it fully until I went there (the only way I can express it) and embodied it. It's difficult to translate into words as words cannot get all the layers of it. I carry pieces of it back with me and can access it, but I definitely don't live there all the time (I often live in forgetting and get lost in fear). I don't say these things to stop conversation, I say them because I see no other way. Even though I try, it cannot be heard in the way it is conveyed because I cannot fully convey it.

I see/feel this relationship and energy of the two forms of logic. We all have both to varying degrees. I would like to see acknowledgement of the strengths and weaknesses of both forms of logic in disussions on the topic of Law Of Attraction. This post has spent most of its time pointing out what I consider the weaknesses of LL. This was done primarily to compare and contrast the two as an offering for different considerations to those who question or discount ML. Again, I hold LL as vital to our time here on Earth. It helps us learn, gives us structure. I believe it may be true that one can find God through the linear mind. I also admit I don't understand how that can be. I am not wired that way so it's as foreign to me as the linear mind's ideas about me.
Art Credits:
Alchemical Creation by Awakening Arts
Flow of Compassion by Jessica Escobedo, Age 13. Print can be purchased here.
Cosmic Voyage from here
Fire of Compassion from Earth Echo

Monday, April 30, 2007

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How I Do Law Of Attraction

Law Of Attraction

Yeah...so....I have this knowing that I create my world. Why/how would I choose anything other than a perfect life? Is my life perfect? Am I always smiling, feeling that Divine Connection and Mystical Oneness I have experienced so many times?

No.

I can get lost. My mind starts going places that bring pain. I go into negativity, losing Trust in my Voice. I forget that what is in front of me is safe, that nothing can harm me, that I am on my Path, that all is well. I know that all experience is experience...but I'm human, not an Avatar. I don't stay in BlissEnlightenment all the time. I've stopped placing that expectation on myself.

I came here to be alive and experience all that is. Sometimes, it's not happy. Sometimes things are not what my mind wants them to be. I am in pain. I cry. I can be very good at whining. I get angry, upset, frustrated, lose hope. All of it.

How do I live this Truth of Creating My World? How does Law of Attraction work in my real, practical day to day life? What is my process? Where do I go?

I shifted a few months ago, but in my very recent history

My Story was this:

After being a Sparkly Bliss Bunny for a number of years, thinking I had mastered things and that life would only get better and better, I slowly and inexorably spiralled down into a place where I stayed stuck for a couple of years. Life as I thought it would be did not manifest. A very good life fell away, piece by piece. This new life was a dream I chose with full consciousness. My Inner Voice was so clear that this was the right path. The risks that others reminded me of were ones that I had considered, but from my perspective, they weren't that much of a long shot.

I was wrong. Or I had misguided expectations about timings. I don't know...the jury is still out, and I am letting it go. By defining my experience as a Risk, I opened myself to all that means to me. Part of my definition involves a possibility of delay or failure, especially when dealing with unconscious creation, or what one Teacher calls "creation by default." I've lost faith in my Voice a number of times these past two years. It seems it's gone in cycles where I am fine, I trust, then the world falls apart. I got depressed when I thought of my blocks to abundance and was in total confusion about which Path to take to find my way out of the mess. I knew that if I was in alignment, this would not be. And that, in some ways makes it even more difficult. I refuse to be a Victim, but it's not as convenient when I cannot "blame" anyone/anything else but myself for being right exactly where I am.

I've detached from the tenacious emotional entanglement I created. I no longer cling, no longer try to force things by focusing on what isn't working, thereby creating more of "not working." Part of my frustration was that I feel such a passion for this vision. Part of the Story, part of my justification for making my life hell by trying to force things before I am ready, is that it's such a good vision. It serves humanity and the planet in what I feel are really good ways. I've worked really hard to get it to manifest, my partner has been working about 50 times harder. It gets to this point, then right when it feels like this will be the time it will shift, completion eludes. It's never for the same reason. He is a Master at what he does. There is no reason for it not to have completed, except it doesn't. I/we have a block.
And now, I am in the unemotional state of: if I can get myself aligned, then it will be. I am no longer willing to be in pain with the clinging. I continue to let go of all the creative energies behind my beliefs in the story, the justifications/beliefs of all the words I used in italics in the paragraph above that keep me stuck.

But back then, I lost trust in the process, trust in my vision, trust in my Voice. I had spiralled down into a true Dark Night Of The Soul, with it peaking last fall until Christmas. My tools weren't working. I would start to come out of it then dive deeper into depression as time went on. Finally, after my daughter had a major incident at the hospital and I had to face the thought of losing her, I think I broke my resistence to fighting off pain. Instead of trying to be positive and flow with what is, feeling pain but not fully allowing all I know it can be, I embraced it. I went completely into pain and devastation, with the eye that it was Life and this cycle would end, with me returning to joy again some day.
I've been slowly making my way back, with these last two months or so being able to see more light than shadow. It grows exponentially every day. But that doesn't mean the shadow is fully gone. I sometimes have to work at changing the vibration that I established slowly over those two years. I find myself going back to fear when I am off...sick....frustrated...questioning...tired of patterns in my outer world (I am such a hedonist). But these episodes are getting further and further apart and the peace stays in increasingly longer cycles. I feel I am on my way to reshifting my vibrations and get my creations back on track to the way I want them to be--back to where I was and higher, rather than attracting/creating my fears.

My work/play these days:

Because I create and that creation is from my thought pattern, I want to focus on where I want to be, not what is in front of me. It's not a denial, it's a choice...big, important difference. It's an acceptance of where I am in this moment, not fighting what is, not trying to make pretty, but also not believing it has any basis in Truth. It isn't all of me. What is in front of me now is a result of my past vibrational offerings. I may not be able to be a blissbunny yet, but I can find something to take my focus off what is in front of me, see and allow it as temporary therefore not a monster. I can get me more into alignment with what I want. If I have happier or even more neutral energy running, I inch closer.

When I was in this cycle before, about eleven years ago, I flashed on an image one day while walking. I was in a huge room that stretched further than the eye could see. It was full of gears of all sizes- some as small as a few inches, some 20 feet tall. I had the lead gear in front of me. It was my job to turn all these gears. I would feel/see myself standing ready to move my gear, knowing that when I pushed mine it would start all the others moving. I knew the ones further away, many of which I could not see, might take a bit more time to move as the system aligned itself. Not much, mind you, but there was a bit of a lag time between what I put in motion and all of it moving together. This was the meditation/visualization I did many times throughout the day. Magic began.

These days when/if I start to feel "off," I allow that to be there, and simultaneously see myself in a boat on a river. I usually listen to Abraham tapes when I walk and this is a metaphor they are using now. I love water, love to row. It felt good so I adopted it. I put myself in the river, I feel the boat, with the oar in my arms. I feel myself turn the boat from trying to paddle upstream. I feel it turn, slowly, so that it's now going down the river, requiring no effort from me to move. The oars are just for steering. Life will carry me, my inner being will carry me, once I let go of the belief that I have to struggle upstream to get to where I want....especially since everything I want is downstream.
I also pray. I sit and meditate (realign my energy) on being a vehicle of my inner Spirit that is one with The All. That I now let go of the energy that I am using to separate myself and fully open to listening to what I know is there inside me but which I am not hearing. I remind myself that I want to feel good, because when I do things will flow and I will be of Service. It's OK to be where I am right now and that I am slowly changing my insides to be where I want to be.

Life continues to shift. I don't feel I am in the surreal haze I was in, having to consciously put one foot slowly in front of the other to be able to walk. I have angels and fairies abounding that support and help me on my Path. They are there waiting for me to open my eyes and allow their support and love in. Life is good.

And I'm getting really close to the space I was in before, which was me running, flittering around, all sparkly, saying every day in grateful wonderment:

I love my life!!!

Art and Photo Credits

Beginnings from Lunar Archives sorry...I cannot figure out who the artist is....
Hope in the Prison Of Despair by Evelyn De Morgan
River pic borrowed from John Bokma
Law Of Attraction

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Responsibility Without Blame


At first when I heard about this idea years ago, it resonated with me on an intellectual level. When this knowing entered my body, when I felt all that this means, my life truly changed. Magic.

I learned:

...Linear mind cannot fully grasp this concept. It has nothing to hold on to. Because it is a line, and a line has opposing ends, there must be good/bad, right/wrong, black/white, should/should not. Here, the world is created by a separate all powerful god with a plan, a god that judges from on high, condemns, doles out grace or damnation where he sees fit. If a person's life is good or they are born to a particular arbitrary tribe, they are one of The Chosen. If not, they "pay" for one reason or another: "bad" karmic debt being worked off, not accepting Jesus, Job at the whim of Yahweh because of a party taunt.

Mystic mind sees the whole. All is one. All is Love. Even when we choose to not feel/see/be love, Love is extended. We are always and in all ways unconditionally supported and given exactly what we believe.

Mystic mind is not "kind" or "warm and fuzzy" to the linear mind. It sees only play and creation and puts no value on experience where linear mind assigns its dualistic label. It sees that creation comes from desire and that desire often comes from challenge or lack. No value placed here. It's just the Dance of Creation recreating itself over and over for no other reason but the Dance.

...I am the creator of everything in my life, no exception. Everything that is in my now is because of a thought I hold. My beliefs and thoughts are conscious or un. Both create. I am responsible for it All.

....The comfort, safety, freedom and power of Responsibility. No longer am I at the hands of a punishing god. I no longer have to feel the despair of abandonment. I am Loved. The fates do not rule me. I am not a Victim. I am free....free to choose love, trust, hope, connection no matter what is in front of me. I am lovingly embraced and enfolded at all times. The universe slowly and lovingly reminds me over and over when I am disconnected from myself. It supports and shows me I am free to choose pain. And...in my forgetting and fear, I often do.

-My linear mind cannot begin to grasp the why's of my choices....especially my unconsious ones. Why would I, as a child choose disability? Why would I choose cancer? Why, as a woman, would I choose rape?

These are valuations of experiences by the linear mind. To Spirit, these paths (and other circumstance that our brains feel as pain) are rich, full, total in and of themselves. They are neither good nor bad...they just are. There is no martyrdom because martyrdom implies value. These experiences simply offer more to Creation. Perhaps in their extreme challenge, that which would never had been created sees the light. Even the linear mind's extreme pain of Death has no meaning to Spirit. It's not a bad thing...just part of a neverending cycle of birth and rebirth, creation and recreation. All just a part of The Dance which has no meaning but Itself.

...That just as I am not a victim of a god outside me, I am not a victim of anyone else. Linear mind cannot see our connection. But connected we are, partnering in our dips and twirls in Our Dance, all potentially adding to New Creation.
___________________________________

All this is great. When this knowing entered my body in trance, it hit me deeply and altered much in my psyche. But/and I am a practical, well grounded Mystic. I want my spirituality to be alive. I want it to have applications in my life because I came here to live and experience that Life in my body, with all its adventures and emotions.

To be continued.....
Art credits:
Divine Vision by Dana Anderson

Sunday, April 29, 2007

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Past Lives With My Ex


Years ago, when my ex husband and I were in deep conflict, I was trying every avenue I could to understand our dynamic. I was looking at my early childhood: what early life patterns was I repeating here, patterns that had nothing to do with him but which I brought and he fulfilled for me? Where were my projections, what was my soul learning here? As I explored my early childhood, it occurred to me that there might also be issues that we carried as souls into this life from shared past lives. It made sense to me that if we are influenced from our early childhood that there was good chance that our soul memories might have impact here, too. I thought that if I understood what it was we were dealing with, it would help me on a very practical level right here, right now in this relationship dance we were doing.

So I did a few past life regressions over time, going into them with the prayer to be shown things that would help me to understand my life in my now.

I've spoken a bit about the experience of what I sense/see/feel in a regression here. There are simultaneous realities going on. I am me, Pamm, today with all feelings, reactions and perceptions. I also have the ability to discern the energetic connections and patterns going on. I am also inside my past life person, so feel/see/sense as them. I can understand connections between this life and the past one visited, can see people from then that are in my life now. I see them as they are physically in that life, but I just "know" it's the personality from this life. I cannot go inside them to see/feel in the moment like I can with my past life person, but I do understand and intuit very strongly what they feel, the overall way they think, their soul life task in that life.

The first life I came in contact with when I went back was to a time somewhere in the late middle ages. I was a village lass- I was blonde, considered the beauty of the village. I was a very simple person, with a very low IQ. Not quite to the point of being disabled, but not bright at all. I was buxom and wore low cut tops, with full skirts, usually went barefoot. I loved animals, could almost talk to them and remember one "scene" where I was in a barn type enclosure hugging and holding a cow close to me. It's like I was in love with this cow, communing with its gentle spirit.

I remember walking along a path and seeing a big tree. I "got" that I died there by hanging. This information was not available to the past life me, and I in my now was not troubled by it...it was just information for me. I didn't see or experience the death there, but knew it was significant.

I remember walking around the town and seeing my ex. He was a monk, with the shaven head and long brown robe, a rope at his waist. He wanted me sexually but couldn't handle the feelings. It came to me that he was the one ultimately responsible for my death in that life we shared. Because he couldn't understand or accept his lust for me, he told the Church fathers that I had bewitched him and was of the devil. This one helped me to understand that the things we were dealing with were not new for us. We had done this dance before. It also helped me to understand why I was afraid of his views on my Spirit Path. It helped me deal with that fear in a more rational way (a bit).

The next life I remember was not as clear. The images came in shorter clips. I can usually get a sense of where I am in a regression. With this one, I didn't know what continent it was on. There was danger- a natural disaster of some sort, like a volcano erupting or a huge earthquake of some sort. Fires were burning everywhere, it was dark. We were on a balconey watching all this. My whole body was painted blue and I had a long flowey robe on, a gold band across my forehead. We were embracing. For some reason, although the primary danger was this disaster, I was also in danger personally. Possibly being "blamed" for this disaster? Again...this one was not as clear. The only other thing I can remember was that this was a very very ancient life and our first time together, kind of sealing our soul "theme" in which I am "outsider" he is "accepted/normal."
A few years later, I am in the middle of trying to leave the marriage. I go to do a breathwork session and spontaneouslyf ind myself being burned at the stake while a crowd cheers around me. Patrick is standing so that he is eye level with me. He is smiling. The energy he shoots at me is "I gotcha."

Then I have one more memory. This one was another spontaneous one that I flew into one time when we were having sex. I was on top and we had been at it for some time, enough for me to go into my trance thing that can happen. All of a sudden, when I closed my eyes, I lost who "I" was. He wasn't him. It frightened me because I felt I couldn't control it. I opened my eyes, calmed down and it went away. Then I closed my eyes again and within a few seconds the same thing happened. I was "back there"...not sure exactly, but not in this time at all. I opened my eyes again to return. When it happened the third time, I had to stop our love making it freaked me out so much. I wish we had been of the same mind that I could have told him. It would have been so interesting to have someone to explore that with. Oh well.

Going back was helpful to my then mind. It helped me to come to terms with lots of who we were and helped me heal. Did it do anything to help the relationship? Nope. Wish I could say it did, but my primary intention of it helping our relationship didn't happen. Probably because in the end, it doesn't matter what went on in our past lives. It's what's happening right now that does. I know now that we can change patterns in an instant, but we have to understand and believe that we can and commit to doing the work it takes to do so.

I don't know if we are "condemned" to repeat relationships until the patterns of pain are healed. I don't think so, unless we think we are; if we carry guilt, anger or cannot find a way to forgive our parts in the Dance. I'm not there with him, yet. I do, however, hope he is happy.


Art Credits:
Wheel of Life from The Library of Congress
Monk from Avenue Vine
Spider Web by
Phil Hine
Split Personality by Stanley Abeyesinghe
Dark Heritage by Brian Wiles.


Thursday, April 26, 2007

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What's My Path?

When asked what my religion is, I never know what to say. In Italy last year, to stop discussion when I would be asked, I would just say "Buddhist." It's an easy handle to hold onto, even though I don't consider myself one. I used to call myself an Eclectic-Esoteric-Ancient-New Age-Pagan-Mystic. Then I just said Tantrika. Now it's either that or Mystic. It doesn't matter because I get the same blank look either way. So although it has no name, per se, it includes

Tons of Tantra
















A Little Mystic Christianity










Some Paganism/Wicca










Tons of New Thought








A Smidge of Hinduism











A Good Amount of Buddhist Practice











Shamanism




My Mother

But my primary source, my place of greatest learning, my primary guide and what/who I listen to most.
Me

Photo/Art Credits
Dalai Lama from
Encyclopedia Britannica
Shaman's Medicine Wheel from here
Ocean from here
Kali from here
Mother Mary from Sandra Stanton
Drawing Down The Moon taken from here
New Thought/Law Of Attraction, Abraham-Hicks
Tantra ShivaShakti from here