Trust. Again.

Today I ponder trust.

Who do I trust?

What do I trust?

At core, is there truly any other trust than in Self and Universe?

Image from here

Walking With My Inner Critic

About a month ago, I realized that for the past while, My Inner Critic has been running my show. I was not allowing it voice, pushing it down in my quest to focus only on being happy. There is a difference between allowing happiness and pushing down alarm signals. I hadn't noticed how much I had demonized My Inner Critic until a number of mirrors graced me with having to look/feel more deeply.

In my journey to re-befriend her (and mine's a "her), I remembered a book I had read years ago by Hal and Sidra Stone. It's called "Embracing The Inner Critic." They came up with this form of finding integration and wholeness through a process called Voice Dialogue. I've written about it briefly before here and other places, but I'm too lazy to find the other links.

I loved the work and it's been a mainstay. It was the first work I did to truly integrate my shadows and I continue to use it, always going back to it as one of my primary tools.

As all my books are in storage, I went to the library (Barnes and Noble) awhile back to brush up on their work.

This rang so true for me:

"Whenever someone is not in touch with his or her vulnerability in relationship to another person, one may expect a judgment, silent or spoken, as a way of dealing with the situation. Unconscious vulnerability is a very dangerous commodity for this reason."

and

"An attack of the Inner Critic is a cry for help."

Damn, ain't it the truth? How often do we need to fall into judgment (of ourselves or others) when we feel whole and happy? It doesn't even enter our minds. It's only when we feel vulnerable that we put up walls. It's much easier to then point outward and find reasons to separate ourselves rather than feel the pain of being vulnerable.

I've been trying to just be with the terror of my vulnerability these past few weeks. A few weeks ago, I was down. I've noticed that this week, I'm feeling it especially more so than usual, but I believe I must be burying it, pushing it away. At least that what I think is up as I've been craving wine every night. I've written about addiction here, here and here. I'm trying my best to hear what this craving is trying to tell me and to listen to The Critic so I can hear what she has to teach me. I do want to hear it. I'm trying.

Image from here

From Rob Brezny's email...

...for the week of 2/11/09

"GUIDING QUESTION for cultivating PRONOIA: 'The secret of life," saidsculptor Henry Moore to poet Donald Hall, "is to have a task, something you devote your entire life to, something you bring everything to, every minute of the day for your whole life. And the most important thing is—it must be something you cannot possibly do.'

What is that task for you?"

For those who don't know Rob's work, pronoia is the belief that the universe is conspiring to bring us good.

Image from here

Thoughts On Depression

Through a blogger friend, I learned that another blogger I wasn't familiar with had committed suicide on Christmas Eve. Other bloggers I sometimes read have been talking about suicidal thoughts or tendencies. Or if not that extreme, they talk about depression. I think one even mentioned that about 50% of the bloggers she reads are on some type of anti-depressant medication.

Emotions are always moving, cycling through me. They flutter and can run the gamut in the course of a day. Sometimes I get on a jag that lasts awhile. Today, I'm coming off a few days of tension. A few weeks ago I was really sad. I could even say I was possibly depressed. When things on the outside don't look good, I can lose myself if I'm "off."

When I tuned into my "Observer" Voice, I realized that on some levels it feels kinda oddly good to feel so emotionally devastated and just be with it. To lie in bed all day long with the covers pulled up over my head, crying, staring at the wall. To kinda just allow all of it instead of pretending things were anything other than what they were in that moment.

I'm pondering depression and suicide. I'm fascinated.

What happens? How do people go from being sad to deciding to kill themselves?

I have an opinion/theory that we simply get caught in a loop. That we have a thought that triggers emotions which then trigger thoughts about the emotions which trigger more emotions about the thoughts which then lead on and on and on...stories upon stories and our reactions to them...ultimately to chemical imbalances, organs stressed and then the cycles and loops get even stronger, longer and ingrained.

But I don't know.

I do know that when I get in my funks it takes work to get out of them. I have to be really focused, aware and conscious to catch myself and start to remember that Blessings are the way of the universe. It takes time (sometimes days) to have those those thoughts become the primary vision I have of the world.

And I know about this stuff and have practiced it for years, don't have too many funks (although these days there are more than there have been in other cycles of my life..I'm being given opportunity to learn more in that arena :) ). I imagine/have a theory that those who don't have tools or practice would have a very difficult time coming out of the cycling loops of pain.

But I can't know.

I wish them well, I wish them peace, whatever that means to them.

image from here Wow...powerful one, yes?

Happy, Joyous 2009!!!

I wish us abundance in all things important to us: Love, Health, Feeling safe and secure.

I wish us pleasures of every kind: sensual, sexual, laughter, excitement, appreciation, cuddles, contentment, harmony, excitement, and happies.

I wish us creative expansion of that which has not yet been a part of our experience or that which we wish to increase.

I wish for us all a joyous, opening, expanding year...one filled with acceptance and allowing of what Life brings us...not resisting but rather trusting that all is well at every turn, no matter what it appears to be from our smaller perspectives...which sometimes can only see fear. May we all remember that every challenge is actually a Grand Opportunity and Gift.

Finally, I wish you Peace in the remembering of that which you know in your heart of hearts to be true:

We are well.

All is well.

Image taken from here.

The Mirrors Of The Divine Matrix

I've been savoring "The Divine Matix" by Gregg Braden, letting all the connections between current science and spirit sink in. I finally finished it. Great book.

The book began with a set up of a number of different physics experiments which, when taken all together, paint a an emerging explanation of how we create our worlds. At the end of the book he talked aboutt how we attract our mirrors and beliefs to us through The Divine Matrix which connects The All.

On page 162, Braden lists Key 19 of his list of The 20 Keys of Conscious Creation.

"Our true beliefs are mirrored in our most intimate relationships."

He then lists Five Ancient Mirrors of Relationship:

Reflections of the Moment...where our outer reality reflects our beliefs in the moment.

Reflections of What We Judge Most...where we get to experience that which we judge.

Reflections of What We've Lost, Given Away, or Had Taken From Us...where those we are attracted to mirror parts of ourselves we want to reclaim and tell us about ourselves

Reflections of Our Dark Night of the Soul...where we are gifted with experiencing our greatest fears so we can move beyond them

Reflections of Our Greatest Act of Compassion...where we finally embrace perfection in imperfection

Good Stuff.

Art: Mind Mirror by Catherine Akastar

Obama And The Mayan Calendar

I haven't talked about the election of a few weeks ago.

I was overjoyed. When Obama got elected, for some reason I flashed on things I've read about the Mayan Calendar and how we were supposed to really start feeling the effects of the 2012 shift during 2008. I thought it so interesting that Obama will be our president during this transition.

I still have no opinions about what the shift means in terms of where we'll end up. I keep getting this hit that it doesn't mean the Earth will be annihilated or that we are doomed as a species. I believe it's a New Age.

The sense I get is that Obama is a reflection and a manifestation of hope. I don't see him as having all the answers, nor do I pretend to think that I will be happy with many or most of his choices as President.

However...

The energy his campaign inspired- hope, action, community, participation, a vision of engagement;

The use of the internet and the example of its potential power to unite us in a common goal spoke to me of a shift in powerbase. A shift in the fundamental way we operate as a country and a world;

The dreams and desires of the masses to remember and live the ideals this country was built on;

All these speak to me. They speak strongly.

Then, while walking the other day...I pondered.

If it's true that this last cycle of the Mayan calendar means that the world as we know it will change....isn't it interesting that this election comes on the heels of one of the darkest political regimes this country has known?

It's like the last administration is a metaphor and the reality of where arrogance and disconncection from Spirit can take us when played out to the extreme. We, as a country, are pretty ruined on just about every level. Our people are troubled, questioning, searching. We're lost, clinging to an old idea of ourselves that needs ReVisioning in a new world.

But just like every spiritual quest, things often have to get beyond horrid before they get better. It's like Bush was our collective darkest night and Obama is the symbol of the dawn.

In Abraham terms, we went through this huge contrast to figure out what we don't want. Bush provided us with our asking. The election of Obama and all he symbolizes...not the man himself, but what was triggered is those of us who voted for him...is our opportunity to allow. Allow ourselves, our country, our world to receive and change in the ways we truly want to be as people of conscience and spirit.

We truly live in exciting times!

Art: It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn by Judy Chicago taken from here