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About a month ago, I realized that for the past while, My Inner Critic has been running my show. I was not allowing it voice, pushing it down in my quest to focus only on being happy. There is a difference between allowing happiness and pushing down alarm signals. I hadn't noticed how much I had demonized My Inner Critic until a number of mirrors graced me with having to look/feel more deeply.
In my journey to re-befriend her (and mine's a "her), I remembered a book I had read years ago by Hal and Sidra Stone. It's called "Embracing The Inner Critic." They came up with this form of finding integration and wholeness through a process called Voice Dialogue. I've written about it briefly before here and other places, but I'm too lazy to find the other links.
I loved the work and it's been a mainstay. It was the first work I did to truly integrate my shadows and I continue to use it, always going back to it as one of my primary tools.
As all my books are in storage, I went to the library (Barnes and Noble) awhile back to brush up on their work.
This rang so true for me:
"Whenever someone is not in touch with his or her vulnerability in relationship to another person, one may expect a judgment, silent or spoken, as a way of dealing with the situation. Unconscious vulnerability is a very dangerous commodity for this reason."
and
"An attack of the Inner Critic is a cry for help."
Damn, ain't it the truth? How often do we need to fall into judgment (of ourselves or others) when we feel whole and happy? It doesn't even enter our minds. It's only when we feel vulnerable that we put up walls. It's much easier to then point outward and find reasons to separate ourselves rather than feel the pain of being vulnerable.
I've been trying to just be with the terror of my vulnerability these past few weeks. A few weeks ago, I was down. I've noticed that this week, I'm feeling it especially more so than usual, but I believe I must be burying it, pushing it away. At least that what I think is up as I've been craving wine every night. I've written about addiction here, here and here. I'm trying my best to hear what this craving is trying to tell me and to listen to The Critic so I can hear what she has to teach me. I do want to hear it. I'm trying.
Image from here
...for the week of 2/11/09
"GUIDING QUESTION for cultivating PRONOIA: 'The secret of life," saidsculptor Henry Moore to poet Donald Hall, "is to have a task, something you devote your entire life to, something you bring everything to, every minute of the day for your whole life. And the most important thing is—it must be something you cannot possibly do.'
What is that task for you?"
For those who don't know Rob's work, pronoia is the belief that the universe is conspiring to bring us good.
