Days 16, 17

Yesterday's session was gentle. Not much to speak of. I find that when I do the sessions in different rooms, I have a different experience. The one room where the experiences are more intense is darker, more private, feels more cocoonish.

Today's started off a bit scattered but then I got into it. Immediately felt heat prickles in my upper chest. The tenderness that was there two days ago had peaked yesterday and is almost gone today.

The breathing got strong, but I decided to not push it as I still feel like my body is integrating the earlier sessions this week. I did have nice out of body trance stuff, some slight nausea, but it subsided when I breathed into it and expanded that area with the breath.

I am noticing these past two days that I am quick to have intense emotional responses to people...I am less patient. That's not like me. It passes pretty quickly and makes no sense, but there it is.

All in all, pretty quiet on the western front, stuff gently brewing.

Image from here

Day 15

Wow...Holy Kamoly this sure is getting interesting to me. Today's session was unlike any I've experienced in any of the breathwork sessions I've done this round or the many I've done in the past.

I began thinking it wouldn't be anything intense, wondering if my body would still be bubbling from a few days before. Then the breath started to breathe me. What I mean by that is that it just went into its own rhythm instead of me trying to make it harder or faster.

At first, mind thought to "work on" the third chakra as that was what came up yesterday. But then I felt the most bizarre thing....never felt it before. It was like a rolling flutter of energy (man this stuff is so difficult to describe) started a bit above my heart moving outward and down my hands. It kept happening. I just continued to breathe and feel, but then it felt like Body wanted more assistance. So I began a thymus tap. This is the endocrine gland located above the heart which is pretty shriveled up by adulthood. Alternative healers (of a certain flavor) suggest doing a tapping on it every day to restimulate it to grow and open. Then..shoot...can't remember how many years ago, but I heard that some chakra healers were saying that this was beginning to open as one of the chakra centers.

I don't know about that stuff, but I do know that my body was feeling what it was feeling and it wanted me to tap it. Then pound it, like an neurotic gorilla (these are the things that flash through this brain). So I did. I waled on it, using fingers alternating with closed fists. While it hurt (the area was really tender to the touch) I kept feeling like it was moving the energy. And there was no way that I couldn't be doing it. Yes, I could have stopped but the urge was strong to continue so I did it for a long while.

Then my breathing really started to be raspy. I kept drawing in a tremendous amount of air, and doing the outbreath just as strongly, moaning/rasping with each outbreath...um..kinda loudly.

I felt strong energy in a continuous flow out my hand and feet. Then, my body started to wave big time with the breaths and with each inhale, my head wanted to go back so my face was upward to the sky. I started to feel energy coming out my mouth and all of a sudden images of the movie "The Fifth Element" and pictures of saints with those shootings of energy came to mind. I remember flashing that the breath is life force. Every time I tried to slow the breath down, Body wanted more..not to push it, just to open. Strong beams of energy kept flowing out my hands, feet, heart, and mouth. I was able to let them flow (thanks, I think to the Tantric work I've done with holding energy and not needing to direct or stop the flow....high states of arousal with total relaxation).

I remembered flashes of an email I had written to a friend describing tetany in breathwork and how I don't get it any more. As he is a biological scientist, he was trying to understand the physiology of what's going on with me here. I conveyed my personal experiences in both my body and my coaching that when people start doing this breathwork, they exhibit many of the symptoms of hyperventilation. The first sign is a tingling around the mouth and fingers. Eventully it can lead to tetany, which generally first shows up in the hands and feet freezing up into claws. It's very painful and can lead to the whole body freezing up in pain. It has been my experience, though, that when the breather has a release of some emotional or psychic pain, both the emotions and the body release their hold simultaneously, not more pain, just bliss. So that what's going on can't be explained (to my satisfaction, anyway) as mere physiology of O2 excess or CO2 deficiency (they go together).

I told him that I no longer get that tetany of the hands or feet, but that my body went to pain where the blocks remained. What I forgot to talk about is the huge amount of energy that flows out the hands and feet. It's like there's energy pouring out holes in the palms and soles. I flashed that in a new breather, it could be that the hands and feet contract because their bodies are not prepared for the incredible amount of energy, so subconsciously try to hold it back.

Mind goes in flashes during these sessions because it's just stuff coming up/into consciousness. Unfortunately, it leaves just as quickly.

When I stopped stomping my upper chest and just breathed, I felt tremendous movement pouring out of that area. Opening. Flow. I felt the energy move into my throat. It wanted to be open. At first, that movement with wave and head back, face towards the sky was enough, but then it wanted to be able to completely relax into the feelings without having to effort in any way....even keeping itself up.

So, even though it was difficult to move, I tried to position the zafu pillow on its side so that I could drape my head over the elevated edge. That wouldn't work (too much efforting to hold my body up) so I went on a bed and hung my head over the side, throat exposed and continued to breathe.

After a few minutes, I felt a bubble of energy (can't figure out how else to describe it) start to form in my second chakra between the two hip bones. It kinda bubbled there...sometimes moving up a bit into the belly...then it would be down there again in the second ckakra area. I didn't feel it go down, like maybe it flowed up a bit with a breath then formed again? Not sure, but I definitely felt something trippy.

Not sure how long I stayed there, but eventually, the breath started to slow down. I tried to lay on my side, which is the position my body usually goes into for comfort, but it was having none of that. I had to be on my back, so that the chest was unimpeded. There was no way that amount of energy was going to be slowed down by any body positioning my mind thought appropriate or went to out of habit.

Oh...should mention that all day yesterday I felt my chest opening more and more breaths. I'm noticing I'm standing and sitting straighter. Body won't not.(smile)

It came to me to try and write this all down as soon as I could move..so I made myself get up, go to the computer and write. Dizzy. This is what was written with eyes closed, hardly able to move my fingers...no editing:

"not out of session yet, but need to write before I forget...stumble to computer...no pain in stomachor heart..moved to thuippoer chest...thyumus...pressure....keep breathing. body wants to do thymus tap so did until pounding on chst for long time.. pain...paniting...hoarse breathing ..pain sejsatono fo letting go i nhands feet ,ehce....head moves up and ak with each breath...five elements...pictures os fisaings...hands no pain but were before....eintnest pain snesaion..not pain...energy life..moving into throat....ears pluggeg...head swimmingn...go to bed and hang head over side....intesne energy from throat...thenfrom fifth chakra..bivbtating...slo ball of negy moving from there up..."

Hehehe..I'm thinking I translated it pretty well..who knows what some of that middle stuff was. Note to self...get a tape recorder.

After writing the above, I stumbled into my bed and pulled the covers over me to snuggle. I felt my body humming and my upper chest prickle. It felt like a cross between wool and what I would imagine burlap to feel like on the skin- more than an itch, not pain. I feel asleep for two hours, coming in and out of sleep and not being able to move, just feeling all the energy still working.

The rest of the day, today, I feel my breath all the way to my pubic bone and all the way up to my shoulders. When I check in, I notice I'm doing deep belly breathing even unconsciously now, like I used to before this last two years of slowly shutting my body down in pain.

During the course of today's meditation, I wondered what would happen if I did this, not for a month, but for a year. Today I thought I could just totally devest and start my cave stint (my kids have always said they think I'll end up in a cave some day, a hermit/nun), breathing, feeling the energy flowing all inside me and around me. Yum.

There's lots of stuff coming up around abundance for me. A few days ago, I realized that when outrageous abundance seems very close, somewhere way deep, I get terrified. I hadn't noticed until awhile back when it came to me that every time it gets close I drink lots or eat a bunch of chocolate.

I hadn't even noticed it before....but it's like I can't handle it so I try to bury the feelings of fear...like it's too much so I have to weigh my body down to handle the possibility of it all and stay grounded.

I also realized today that I have attracted a mirror of judgment into my life embodied in two people. Both are friends. I project that both have judgments to differing degrees around what I'm doing or not doing with my life right now. Both want to support me and consider me their friend. They care. But I feel judged. I am not saying they judge me as they have never said that directly...I am saying I am projecting that. The person who was my previous mirror for that died in April, and I wondered who would show up to take his place. Today I was able to identify where.

And I realized that in the stuff I'm doing/not doing with my life...the stuff/gift that triggered my decision to to do this journey to release and surrender/allow all that will be, mostly around abundance and relationship. It's not that I want the money, the stuff. It's not that I care that I may decide to sell my house.

It's the shame of failure. I have it inside me and I have plenty of mirrors for me.....my kids before, some of my friends, many people who know me but not well...those who only know some surface stuff.

As I've been talking about with my best friend for awhile now, I'm in the middle of something where if it succeeds I get to be seen as a warrior who believed in My Voice-who trusted my inner guidance no matter what the world around me said, no matter what kind of fear it's brought up for me.

If it doesn't come through, I will get the opportunity to judge myself as an idiot..someone who was in the middle of something that made no sense, had no footing, was not grounded or safe in any way. Not logical. The Path of the Risk Taker.

But this is the really fun part: the longer I stay the more of a warrior or fool I become...and all depends on forces that lead to outcomes outside my control. (kinda sorta sounds like life, yes?)

It's not about the loss of the "stuff," it's the ego shame/loss of having made decisions when I'm using logic that is not linear. It's bringing up all my stuff around my Path, all my memories of past lives when I was burned. And in this life, there isn't the fear of being literally burned. It's what I call "the dumb shit factor" (a phrase I coined from that friend who died. He used to say so many people "were dumbshits"....and I told him I had a hard time trusting him with my inner stuff because I thought he would lable me that in his mind).

I've been tip toe-ing on the edges of this shame....not wanting to really embrace how it will be to walk thinking that my decisions had led to a major step...no giant leap backward.

My prayer today, while on my walk, was to learn to live with this and surrender to that, allow that possibility in my life...

How will it be to walk if this does not work within the next few months? I am no longer running from it. I am willing to face that terror now, so that if it happens, I have practiced it so that it is my friend.

And in the midst of all this, I'm really pretty darn happy and at peace. It's all just awarenesses, flittering through. Kinda like...oh...that's interesting....hm....would ya look at that....cool....nice to be putting things like that together.

Funny....fear if it works, fear if it doesn't. What a pretty pickle!

And, wow...feeling even more exposed and vulnerable with this all out there. Whew....
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I send a prayer to the monks and people of Myanmar/Burma. May they find peace and freedom within the contrast they are experiencing now.

Day 14- Being Gentle With Myself

Whenever I coach folks in breathwork, I always end the sessions reminding people to be gentle with themselves. To go slowly through the next few days, holding themselves like they would a child. I caution them to put as little on their plates as possible and to just be with all that bubbles up in awarnesses and openings. That shiftings will occur over the course of the next few weeks or so, so to just follow your inner guidance as to what you'll need.

Yesterday I stayed in trance pretty much all day. The only things Body wanted to eat were a few fruits and Miso. My lungs felt like they went all the way to my pubic bone and I found myself doing deep sighs every so often. I was in a haze all day, coming out only when I drove to do a few errands...which I probably shouldn't have done, but did. I easily slipped into trance again when I arrived back home.

I continued to feel energetic swirling, got weepy a few times so just cried at the state of the world. Not me, personally, just our condition as humans and how we choose pain and fear over and over....started to go there myself a few times, then went within again and remained in my blissbunny state. When the feelings came out my eyes, it was a release crying, leaving me cleansed, refreshed. I spent very little time at the computer, couldn't handle the energy of it. I engaged in my world around me and within me. Life as meditation.

I was reminded of the incredible amount of energy this work takes...both in the doing and the processing of it afterwards.

Today when I woke up, the trance had receeded, but I felt at peace.

I often wake up with strange things on my mind, but I have learned to listen to them and share when appropriate. Today I woke up feeling really vulnerable about this blog thing I'm doing here, sharing what has always been such an intensely private process for me. I feel mightily exposed. Vulnerable. Open. Raw. Just needed to say that. Tears.

With all this inner stuff going on (vulnerabilities, the caution of being gentle with the self), and putting aside my usual MO of Intense Italian Leo, I first thought to impose gentility on today's session. Then, a bit into it, I decided to just flow with what Body asked for.

It breathed gently. Never got to a really fast deep tempo. I went within. Again, focus was drawn to my power center. I kept opening and feeling expansion. Felt nausea again, but only faintly and I used it to localize where to breathe into.

At one point I went into deep trance and felt the sparklies working my body. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel them like little fireflies/happy wormies of energy going where healing is needed. They kinda flitterflutter here in a little wiggle line, then move to another area. All the rest of the body hums. But I don't get them much in my abdomen.

In fact, I don't feel much in my abdomen. In fact, at one point, it occurred to me that when I tune into the energetics of my belly, there is a void. I got an image of rolling around on my stability ball both directions in turn, first opening the front then the back of the chakra center. Again...I felt yearning for some deep bodywork...we'll see what the future brings.

In the meantime, it was a nice, slow session, but I must still carry residuals from yesterday as I feel as if I had an intense session, not a gentle one. More grounded than yesterday, but I notice that when I stand up, I have to center. My ears are ringing and my head is vibrating. Thinking mind wants to go back and read up on third chakra opening exercises. None that I recommend are calling me in this moment so will see what hits as right for me today.

Art:

Surrender by Elizabeth Moss

Days 11-13

Day 11's meditation was nothing to write about, so I didn't. Just breathed, felt. Nothing big.

Yesterday on Day 12, I did a short session as I spent from 9am - 4:30 doing a daylong Vipassana Meditation retreat with John Travis. The breathing session, again was not huge as it was short. But I figured it would suffice to get me "in the mood" meditatively, anyway.

The day was lovely. I wondered if I could sit that long, as the last time I did that long a meditation was in 1996 when I did a ten day silent meditation retreat at the California Vipassana Center in North Fork as a gift to myself. I did fine. I experienced lots of that vibrating in my sixth chakra area when I would would scan my body for "energetic holdings onto" then clear it so all the energy would flow freely.

We alternated between sitting and walking meditations, which was nice. I felt myself dive deep. It was a good thing.

Then maybe because of yesterday, today's breathwork session was the most powerful since I've started doing this 30 day thing. I'm still in a trance, having a difficult time functioning, haven't had the ability to be coherent enough to write anything. I'm thinking that may be partially due to my deciding to continue to go within and not shut things down fully, going back into my body, feeling, being in meditation like I was yesterday. I opened lots, can feel energy swirling.

I did some Tantric stuff at the beginning and got my body totally open and energized. So when the strong music started I kept breathing it until it started to slow down then reversed (rewound?) the CD to its beginning. I did this three times. I'm a little hazy on what all happened, but I know it was intense.

At one point I remember feeling like there was so much energy my body would blow up, but in a good way. I felt no blocks and felt really good about that, feeling like the Tantra stuff and all that I've been doing had released lots. But somehow, I think I couldn't feel my third chakra.

Then I remember saying an intense prayer to totally open and remove all blocks that were remaining. My heart started to hurt lots. Then I couldn't breathe. I started to feel that old compression I used to feel and said to myself.."yup....here we are, where we left off years ago when you were doing this big time before and decided you didn't want to go here yet....we get to play here again...maybe now it's time." I just kept forcing the air into my lungs past the compression. Hurt. Pain. Intense.

I remember lying on my side again, rubbing sciatica, feeling pelvis open, feeling abdomen open, heart constricted. Hazy... then I remember the music slowing down a bit and going really deeply into bodytrance....then all of a sudden bolting up because I was sure I was going to vomit. It felt like right before the hurl. Got frustrated with myself for pushing the sensation down reflexively. But then I remember lying back down again and going really deep into my body there.

Felt tingling, sparkling, shifting. Energy was moving around, I felt slightly nauseous so just breathed into it and felt it open, move. Kept breathing. Then I felt it moving into my heart, slowly moving like it did here, up my head and out the top, but not freely flowing..kinda like it was oozing out a small opening where in the previous experience it felt like the whole top of my head had blown off and energy was streaming. My arms felt all light and tingly whereas before they had been heavy and hurt.

So I just stayed there, breathing, feeling, opening, staying with all the sensations. I laid there a very long time, in the fetal position, feeling total blissbunnyness.

I have no energy to find art. It was good, I feel wonderful. Blessings abounding. I surrender to all of it.

Day 9 + 10

Was traveling on my fun abundance trip yesterday to San Francisco, so didn't have a chance to do the meditation. I missed it!! Today's was....interesting.

The breathing didn't want to be as intense today, so instead of forcing, I just flowed with that. When I started to really let go, my hands were drawn to my back on the left sacro-iliac joint..my body decided it wanted to lie down on its side and massage that area. As hands massaged they moved down a bit and went to strong sciatic blockage. OUCH!!! GAAAA!!! As I worked it, and just continued to follow my impulses, I rolled over on my back with my knees bent, feet flat on the floor. Then I made fists with each hand and put them smack dab into the sciatic nerves on each side of the pelvis. Then body started an undulating motion, with each side, in its turn, very sore as it bore down on the knuckles to knead that area. Not sure how long I was doing that, but it was for a good portion of the CD..probably almost half of it (20-30 minutes) as the tempo slowed down then picked up.

Had lots of awarenesses that bubbled up, but just as with dreams, many of them are lost to my conscious mind now. I know that if they are important to remember, they'll come back to me.

One that does stay is a wondering if my sacro-iliac joint thing (it gets highly tweaked from time to time to the point where I can't walk...and I have almost constant low level sciatica) is from when I had that kundalini thing years ago and discovered that if I held my hips a certain way the energy lessened/went away so I could function.

As far as this pea brain can remember (where does the brain go as we age???) this is the first time I've made that possible association. Can't remember if this was a problem before then or not...but I tend to think if so, it wasn't as bad. I tend to remember my back problems prior to that being at the thoracic level (bra line/heart chakra level).

At any rate....after doing that undulating thing for quite awhile, I noticed a bit of that abdominal pain again, so incorporated that into the massage, too. I started to feel energy rushing through my whole first and second chakras. This led to an impulse to self pleasure. Images of Shiva making love again, opening me, opening all my centers eventually led to intense orgasms.

My orgasmic energy has felt in transition these past two years. I've attributed it to stress, aging, or shiftings of some sort. But these opened me way up and felt more like they used to. When they were over, all the abdominal pains were gone, sciatica is way less and the beginnings of back tweaking I felt from walking uphill with heels in San Francisto are gone. (High heels on Nob Hill you might ask? What were you thinking, Pamm??? Hey...what can I say? Some things are really important).

I want to try and remember to feel my pelvis remaining open as it does today. I want to enhance that opening of the first and second chakras over the next few days. Roots, sexuality feel important. Plus... I think it would be good to do this meditation again today. Will see if there is time later this evening.

Art images:

First chakra from here

Second Chakra from here

Day 8- Abundance, The Body And The Past

Right off the bat, I could tell the mind was racing today as I'm getting ready to leave for a night's adventure with a dear companion.

When I coach people, I often suggest that they ask a question or put out a prayer so they can receive answers during the session...then to let it go and see what comes up. Today my question was a wondering what my blocks are to outrageous financial abundance.

I am Blessed in this area. I've definitely been through scary times, but my overall belief is that, in the end, I am always taken care of. I flashed on this book I once read called "The Trick To Money Is Having Some." It was a hilarious book about personal growth folk (he is one of them) and how it's often difficult for us to manifest big money. The author's thoughts were that it's harder for those on a spiritual path to be outrageously abundant because we put so much on it, bring so much conflicted energy to it that we put up blocks to it. I'm not in angst around money right now, but I am curious so I thought it a good time to ask....and just receive whatever came up.

Body wanted to move. Monkey Mind..or what I thought was Monkey Mind, began. But I decided to let it flow, not push away to see where it would go.

At one point, about ten minutes in, Body wanted attention...so I began massaging in my abdomen...no....that is only slightly tender now. What was holding before is now releasing. Legs are tender but no shooting, intense pain.

Arms wanted to dance so they did. Then, when I wasn't paying attention, all of a sudden they were on my back. They went to the lumbar region, the only place in my spine that's frozen. I see chiropractors, healers always being drawn there, but realizing the work is way too much to do in one or seventeen sessions. I yearn for Rolfing....two rounds with emphasis here. Maybe intense bone crunching chiropractic in the off days??? Or...maybe...it occurs to me...this is good for right now and am I'm not going so that I can create something new????

The snippets of awarenesses began.

-There I am swinging high into the sky...about three...singing...feeling like the creator of my world.

-There I am at 7, overweight, dancing when I see a neighbor laughing at me, stopping my dancing in shame.

-There I am in Jr. High....in gym....shamed. Still overweight, I am trying to do gymnastics. I do one of those summersaults over five people, land on my back and knock the wind out of me. The pain is in my lumbar (...today's mind asks if this is the origin of this frozen area..mind, body, mind...this is the back part of the pain in the abdomen). I get up,walk to my friend whisper "I can't breathe." When she wants to get the teacher, I tell her no..shame over my body and its inability to do this stuff is too much to be noticed here in this class where I have no abilities.

-the area right under my heart starts to hurt...does this block in my back power center hold back energy and opening of my heart?

-which leads to awarenesses about love

How I am conditional in how I am willing to share my love
How when I open to love with one person, I open to love with another....love begets love
How maybe my outrageous financial abundance is blocked because heart is blocked..as isn't abundance about letting in love?
About how blessed I am

Curious to see what awarenesses continue to bubble up today around this. Good stuff continues.


No time for art image searches today...I am off to be abundantely wined and dined and arted and funned. Yum.

Day 6 + 7

I never got enough time to post yesterday as I had company (my dramatic daughter was up from LA). But I did have a session...and it was a great one.

About half way through, my lower abdomen started hurting again, so I decided to dig into it. I contorted my body to get it from all angles. Then I found my fingers being drawn to the Spleen 9 point (in acupuncture, inside below the knee). Intense pain shot up and down my leg, through my leg so I just stayed with it, breathing all the way.

I noticed intense sexual energy coming up all through the session. When done, while coming down from the strong breathing, at one point I got nauseous. Yup...things are moving.

I'm thinking it would be so wonderful to be able to get some Rolfing done along with this. In the past, I've pondered how cool it would be to develop a system of combined intense bodywork/breathwork. I mean...of course I breathe with bodywork..how can I not? But I think it would be so cool if there was something where the worker coached intense breathing while doing release work in a certain body part.

Then todays's session was amazing. It came to me that when the music slowed down to just continue the intense breathing, making strong energy of my own. Great flash on all of life, really...just because the energy around me doesn't match mine, it's about keeping my own process and connection.

Body really let go. I went into a complete wave*.....I heard Richard say things this time that I haven't heard before and am loving this CD more and more every day. He said something to the effect of "when we attend to the breath, we make love with the Universe, the Beloved, OurSelves in body." This stayed with me.

..and then all of a sudden I was making love with Shiva.

He was blue. I felt him/us in Yab Yum, energy flowing from his Vajra, through my chakras, up to my heart then back to him, back to me over and over with every wave/thrust. Tears were streaming down. I felt all sorts of heart awakenings touching me, opening me.

It ended with me waving big time....feeling this overwhelming ecstatic opening (I think my arms were up at this point) to service to Shiva and All Beings. Ecstatic tears flowing freely. Wow.

Biggest message to me with this day's meditation?

Reminding myself: Where there is pain in the body, or fear in the mind, there lies my greatest power as it's the point where I hold myself back.

I'm playing more right where that lives...wherever it shows up...whether in my body or in my psyche.

Golly, this process is so cool. I'm enjoying it no end.

Just be.

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And how is all this affecting my world so far?

One of the things I have always loved about this work is that it's so organic. There generally aren't trumpets to announce: this is a direct result of what you're doing!!!!

I am happier, even more at peace, even though a few glitches in the matrix connected to last year showed up today.

Business is hugely, crazy busy. Lots of stuff looking good. But more important: I am detached. I'm not pushing, not running, but not emotionally engaging. I may start to "hope," but then it just just kindasorta happily flits away. No effort, really, just an organic letting go of its own accord...kinda like an old pattern that automatically engages out of habit but then gets bored because it finds no fuel to feed it.

My middle daughter, just left after what was the most peaceful, happy, connecting, joyous time this family's had together since the youngest was born (that would be almost 20 years ago). It began when the youngest one was one day old and middle daughter held her. Youngest screamed and it's been a battle ever since.

But "something" happened a few months back and the youngest changed. She has become calmer, more centered. Who knows where this stuff comes from? But it's here and it's all good. I've been callling it "the alien that inhabits my daughter's body," and her siblings are beginning to see what I mean. We're all kind of in shock that she actually hugged her sister goodbye, then kissed her on the cheek. She initiated it. There is no way I can begin to explain what that is for this family in the context of a blog post. But it's huge.

So, yes, little things in the scope of life, but huge in my world, indeed. I don't care where the shift came from...all I care about is that it's here. And it feels really really good.

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* a wave is when the whole body/spine moves, undulates with the breath.

Art:

And isnt' the universe an interesting place?

For some reason, when I came out of the meditation, I thought...hm...Shiva blue? I generally think of Krishna as blue.

But then when I typed in "shiva yab yum" into google images, this image was the first to come up and you can find it from here. Love that stuff.